


The Healing Of Time

by orphan_account



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Avengers - Freeform, Fluff, Multi, Smut, Stucky - Freeform, Stucky x Reader - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-30
Updated: 2020-03-01
Packaged: 2020-07-26 22:06:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 33
Words: 57,754
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20034643
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Steve and Bucky are still working out their own relationship when a brand new piece of it comes crashing into their lives. Now they not only have to get her to trust them, but also uncover her gritty and melancholy past. So she can have a bright and joyful future!





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> This story is not a top priority for me. I am writing this for fun and as a hobby, which means that there are some mistakes and issues within the story. I am aware of them, thank you, everyone, who has brought them to my attention. I appreciate it. But please be aware that this is fanfiction, with fictional characters, and I am a person. There is no reason to be rude or take any of this seriously. I try to spread good messages in my writings, and that is the only thing that should be taken seriously. 
> 
> Moral of this, I plan on fixing any errors in my writing in the near future, not sure when, but I promise to! Please remember that this is FANFICTION, and should not be taken seriously, this is for fun and to make myself and others happy :)
> 
> (3/27/2020 update) Also, I am on a break from both writing and the internet for the foreseeable future, I plan to be back by May 1st. Some traumatic things have happened in my family lately and I have taken the lead in attempting to deal with it. Please bear with me for the time beginning, I will be offline for a while and will likely not be interacting with my readers for a brief period of time! Much love and happiness for you all <3

Sunlight cascaded across the scratched tiles, muffled beeping and talking drowned out the sound of ringing in her ears. Everything‘s so white...too white, Snow. The smell of clean and coffee took away from the dried blood deep within her nostrils. A clean, crisp air blew gently onto her mouth and nose. Hospital, large, open room, high up, small windows. She could tell.

Close, loud talking took her away from trying to take in her surroundings without even opening her eyes. “She’s just resting now and could wake up at any moment,” A woman’s voice, “She seems to be...with us. But she’s cuffed to the bed for safety.” 

With us? Cuffed for Safety? 

The girl turned her right wrist, and felt the lukewarm metal under her skin, as she felt more of the handcuff, she found that it’s ice-cold...cold...she hates the cold. It’s so cold there.

“And her fingerprints?” A man’s voice, deep and smooth, like black coffee. 

A memory came to her, a man with blue eyes, blond hair...and a shield...Captain America. That voice, black coffee. Both times shes heard it, it’s reminded her of black coffee.

Captain America...Avengers...she was captured. 

Mission. Mission. Misson...Like a blinking light in the distance, not bright enough to fill the dark surroundings. 

“No matches in our data and her DNA sample brought nothing up either.” An ache in her right hand, a needle, IV. The feeling of tape pulled on her skin settled in the creese of her right arm. They drew blood.

A melancholy chuckle came from the same black coffee voice, “I always forget about that...DNA.” A gentle hum came from somewhere else in the room, to her right, closer to her than the other two voices. 

“Do you want to look over the other one?” The woman’s voice asked. A loud shuffle seemed to be right next to her head. 

The Other One? There’s another one? Another one of what?

A few minutes passed before anything else was heard, “You coming, Buck?” Black Coffee. 

A new voice, a gruff, deep one responded, “I’m right behind you.” She could hear the smile in the voice. Soft footsteps became distant. 

As soon as she knew the coast was clear, the girl opened her Y/E/C eyes. She squinted at the brightness of the room, and the window high up on the wall across from her. The room is large, very large, with many different curtain made rooms, for multiple patients. The walls are much taller than average walls and had a thin long window stretching across the entirety of it. 

She glanced down, looking herself over, and was quick to notice her short-sleeved hospital gown. Light baby pink with a light baby blue patterned into it. Pristine white socks on her feet, and on her arm, the branding. The Hydra symbol. Sat healed and faded in the middle of her forearm on her left arm. About two by two inches. She was cuffed to the sidebar of the bed ob both sides, not very long but long enough for her to lift her arm up in the air, and if she was sitting up she could reach her mouth with her hands. 

“Oh-” She jumped as she looked quickly to her right, the curtain is drawn back and a woman with long black hair stood there, “You’re awake,”

She gulped as the woman entered, two tall and muscular men followed quickly behind her, the one with long brown hair stared holes into her. She deemed the woman a doctor, based on her outfit and clipboard.  
The doctor reached out a little white cup, but the girl just stared at it, “You have to drink something, you’re dehydrated.” 

The blonde man took the cup and placed a straw in it, he put the straw to her mouth, “Drink, you can do that much, can’t you?” 

She looked at the straw and then back up to him, “It’s fine, we can just put her on an IV for it.” The doctor grabbed the cup and placed it on the metal table next to her, on the table was a file and a pen.  
Something about all this feels so familiar. But she doesn’t remember much of anything, other than a name. Y/N. 

“I don’t know how long it will take before we can get her to talk if she even speaks English,” 

The brunette man looked at her, “She understands.”

“What?” The doctor asked. 

“She’s following the conversation if she didn't understand, she wouldn’t look at the person speaking, what would be the point? But each time one of us talks, her eyes imminently go to them.” 

“Are you sure, Buck?”

“I’m sure.”

The girl stared at him for a moment, until he looked at her, in which she quickly looked away and bit down on her bottom lip. She felt the chill of his eyes on her but ignored it with all of the power inside of her.  
“Doesn’t mean she’ll be talking anytime soon.” The doctor responded, “Bucky, she’s likely different than yourself, she could have been born into this life, she could only be a teenager, we won’t know anything unless she tells us.” 

The girl was a little irritated at the brunette man, ‘Bucky.’ She stopped following the conversation with her eyes, feeling like she was no longer allowed to and just stared blankly at her socks, then she looked at the bare legs, a bit of hair had grown on her shaved legs...Papa would never approve. 

A pang of panic quickly struck her. Papa. The pale man with red eyes and white hair. His words, his whip, his razor. Him. 

She caught herself taking in a quick breath, drawing all attention to herself. “Can you breathe?” The doctor asked, leaning down to tamper with something next to the bed. 

“Maybe it’s the mask?”

The Doctor reached to grab the mask but the girl pulled back and began to sit up. The men reached to grab her, “Whoa, you’re all right, I’m just taking this off.” 

The girl finished sitting up and looked the woman up and down, the girl then leaned forward a bit, and brought her hand up, taking the mask off herself, this caused her Y/H/C hair to bounce. She leaned back a bit and placed the mask down next to her, she heard the aggressive clanking of the cuffs. This told her that the action was fast and swift. 

The girl turned away and caught the blue eyes of the brunette man, a memory then hit her, hard. 

She sat at the end of the large, comfortable bed. Her hands folded in her lap and the black dress to tight on her body. She flinched and stiffened up as the metal door opened, “You deserve it, you did good...enjoy yourself.” Her papa’s voice spoke cleanly, as he entered in with the man, his metal arm...she had to tell herself to take her eyes off of him. 

Don’t look unless told to. Don’t speak unless spoken to. Pleasure unless told not to. 

The brunette man watched the metal door closed and heard the loud locks. He turned and looked at her, she quickly put herself to work. She began to undress. 

“No.” He spoke sternly. She stopped and stared at him, as he looked at her she looked at the ground. He sat at the end of the bed. 

Oh...she thought. She approached him slowly, he wishes to undress her himself. She reached to put her arms on him, but he caught her arms in his hands, his metal hand cold and has a much harder grip, it almost hurt...almost. 

“No.” He said again. 

She backed away from him and just stood in front of him, waiting for him to speak. But he never did, he never spoke. After he just stared at her standing in front of him for a very long time he turned and patted the bed, “Sleep.” He instructed. 

She nodded and approached the bed, taking her heels off, and lied in the bed, over the covers. After a while, she began to feel comfortable, before she felt slow soft movement on the bed. She flinched as he placed his hand on her ankle. 

She quickly sat up and pulled her knees to her chest, he then grabbed the blanket and pulled it out from under her, “Lay down.” She did as she was told, and felt an odd feeling in her chest as he lied the blanket over her. 

He went back to sitting at the end of the bed, and she fought back tears. She didn’t know why she was crying. 

The memory sat in the front of her mind and in her chest, that same feeling came to her and she wanted to cry. What is this feeling? Why did she want to cry? He didn’t harm her, in fact, he was kind to her, and that made her want to sob her heart out, cry and cry until she couldn’t shed any more tears. Why? 

She stared at him, and he stared back, “You...remember?” He spoke softly, and carefully with his words like if he used the wrong ones, she would turn to dust. 

She nodded her head slowly. Both of their eyes began to dry, they didn’t even want to blink, fearful of losing the memory. 

“Bucky?” The blond man placed his hand on his companion's shoulder, the girl quickly pulled away from the eyesight. 

“We...we had an interaction.” 

“An interaction?” The doctor asked. 

“Her…” He cleared his throat, they quickly understood what he was implying, “Hadn’t called her anything, not that I remember, and we didn’t speak but I was...getting rewarded...with her.” He gestured to her with his head, she stared at her feet and blushed.

“Did-did,” 

“No, Steve, we didn’t. I wouldn’t. I let her sleep, and I stayed up, she was…” He gulped and looked at her, “They made you an assassin, I see.” He took in a deep breath, “I’m happy you didn’t have to do that anymore.”

She knew he was looking at her, waiting for her to do anything, but she wouldn’t even let herself blink. She held her breath, if she becomes a statue, she can avoid all of this. 

She got caught, by the Avengers...Papa will be worried, he will miss her. He would? She couldn’t picture his face, but she could feel his presence, warm but hard. 

After a while, the sun fell in the sky, the moon replaced it. The girl began to fidget with the cuffs. There was no way she would be able to break them from pure force, she can’t even bend them. She tried to reach for the table, but failed, she then used her foot, and rolled it closer to her, the table slotting around her bed and the metal table sat above her legs. 

She could reach everything on the table just fine, thankfully, the Doctor left her file behind. She tried not to smile to herself as she had a thought, ‘idiot doctor.’

She found no information in it other than the word ‘unknown’ a lot, and a list of medication she had been put on. Borning, and didn’t help her much. 

As she read through the list, a young man entered the room, “Hello.” He spoke cheerfully, “I have food for you.” He lifted up the plate and put it on the table in front of her, along with a glass of ice water and a staw. “Enjoy, let me know if you need anything.” 

She ignored the meal and continued to read.

She deemed it about two in the morning before she decided to eat the food, the hunger pains becoming too much to handle. 

After she ate, she spotted the pen on the table, without thinking, she clicked the pen and began to move it on the file, and wrote one-word on the cover of the file. 

Y/N


	2. Chapter Two

A feeling of curiosity had seeped into all of the Avengers about The Girl, something about her drew them to her, made them think and wonder about her. Was it her skeleton-like appearance, the bruises, and cuts tattering her sun-deprived skin? Maybe the brand of the Hydra symbol on her arm that they were quick to discover. All of them also felt something towards The Girl...well almost everyone.

“That girl is a criminal, Bruce. We should just put her in a cell now.” Tony had just gotten the reports from Cho about The Girl. He was very specific about being kept updated on her.

“Is that what you think, Stark?” Steve asked loudly as he entered the lab, looking for his shield, Tony had taken it upon himself to ‘work’ on it. Bucky stood in the doorway, staring at the ground and hiding his metal hand in his pocket.

“It is what I think,” Tony then rolled his eyes and took in an annoyed breath, “Unless you have some kind of history with this one too?”

Steve shrugged, “No, no, I have no history with her, but Bucky does.”

“Of course he does,” Bruce commented with a playful tone. He didn’t seem all that invested in the conversation though. He was much more focused on whatever was on his computer screen.

Tony rolled his eyes, “Yeah, I’m sure that they do! She’s still a criminal.”

“Only in the same sense as Bucky,” Steve defended.

“More like Natasha.” Bucky quickly spoke up, “No one knows that she has the same situation as me, and something tells me this is a...Red Room situation.” Bucky didn’t look at anyone as he spoke.

“What are you idiots talking about?” Natasha asked as she exited the elevator. Not the best conversation for her to walk in on.

Tony thought to himself, speak of the devil and she shall appear. “The Girl.” Tony handed Steve the shield. “Capital T, Capital G.”

“What about her?” Nat smiled at Bruce who offered his chip bag to her, she took a chip. Steve tried not to wonder about their relationship.

“Hey, Nat, you speak Russian?”

Natasha smiled at Bucky, “What kind of a question is that?” Of course, she responded in Russian. Bucky rolled his eyes as Steve walked to him with a smile.

Sun low in the sky, dew in the grass, Natasha, Bucky, and Steve entered the hospice, Cho imminently noticed them, “Oh, here for another visit?” The smile told them all they needed to know about her mood towards their interest in The Girl.

“They’re seeing if I can get her to talk.” Natasha responded with a smile, “Have you gotten anything out of her?”

“No, our nurses say she’s sleeping right now and I have been busy with the other patient all morning, we...we had to have him moved to a private room. He was acting violent, yelling in Russian.” Cho talked about it very nonchalantly, telling them she didn’t care for the other patient.

“Makes sense.” Steve shrugged, watching Cho pull back the curtain, they were surprised to see The Girl asleep on her side, peaceful looking.

The look of fear of confusion in her eyes when she would look at them made Steve’s heartache. He feared the worst for this girl, what if she was what Tony says, or worse what if she was abused and used into this. What if she has a history as deep as his own and Bucky?

Bucky looked at her with a fond look in his eye, he did his best to ignore it, but he felt drawn to The Girl like he could get her to trust him.

“She should be awake soon, though our nurses tell me that she was up late. You might have to come back later.” Cho approached the table and quickly noticed what was written on the file. “Look.” Bucky and Steve were quick to see it.

A name, written in small, shaky handwriting.

Y/N.

“Y/N.” Bucky whispered with a small breath, he then looked at her, “Why would she write her name down?”

“How did she even get ahold of the table?” Cho questioned as she looked at The Girl's cuffs, “Still cuffed.”

“If she was uncuffed she and the other guy would be out of here by now.” Natasha said, sitting on the chair and looking at her, “She branded.”

“I’ve never seen anyone with a brand.” Bucky sat in the chair next to her.

The Girl moved her eyes from under her eyelids, listening to the conversation and pretending to be asleep. Hoping they would leave eventually, though it doesn’t seem like they will anytime soon.

She was quick to notice the new woman and her voice, she was light on her feet and spoke with a lot of confidence in her voice. The Girl felt the doctor gently touch her wrist, and flinched at the touch, opening her eyes and looking at the doctor.

“Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.” The Girl sat up quickly and noticed all the eyes on her. “I’m just checking your vitals, is that okay?”

The Girl just watched carefully as the doctor checked her over, “You’re doing good, I’d take you off the IV,” Cho didn’t finish her thought, she wasn’t sure why.

The Girl looked at the IV in her hand and then the bag hanging from the metal hook, “That is your IV,” The doctor said, touching the bag and the tube. The Girl went to touch the bag, but the cuff quickly stopped her.

Bucky stood up, “Uncuff one of her hands.”

“What?”

“If we want her to trust us, we have to trust her, right?”

“Bucky, I don’t know-”

“Steve,” Natasha butted in, “I think it would be a good idea.”

Steve looked between the two and sighed, he grabbed the key in his pocket and approached her, The Girl was unsure of him, at first but knew what he was doing. Steve reached his hand out to her, she stared for a moment, before she reached her hand out, and placed the back of her hand on his palm, Steve thought of one word about the action.

Cute.

He unlocked the cuff from her wrist and the bed and placed the cuff on the table, he took a step back and looked at her. She was looking at her free hand with an excited sparkle in her eyes, they then landed on the branding on her arm, and the slight sparkle in her eyes dimmed out to nothing. The dull coming back to claim her Y/E/C eyes.

“Y/N?” Natasha spoke, and she quickly looked at her. “Can you speak Russian?” Y/N had no response but based on the look on her face, Natasha knew she could understand her, “She understands Russian.”

“Maybe she’s just mute?” Steve said sarcastically, his inner Tony poking out.

Cho then opened the curtain, “Brent, be a dear and get our patient some breakfast.”

Brent was happy to fetch Y/N something to eat.

“Y/N, do you need to use the restroom?” Cho asked, placing her hand on Y/N’s shoulder.

After a moment of just looking at Cho, Y/N nodded, “Yes? Okay, well, we can walk you to the restroom.” Y/N perked up at the idea of walking, getting out of the bed and stretching her legs, along with just doing something in general.

Steve pulled the key out again and uncuffed the other cuff, but just the side attached to the bed, he grabbed the open side of the cuff and kept a tight grip to it. Y/N got a better look at the length of the chain, about ten inches. Not even a foot of arm room.

She took in a deep breath and swung her legs off the bed, her socked feet touched the ground and she trusted her legs to keep her up. She could feel the cold of the tile through the socks, and the ache in her legs as she put her body weight on them. She placed her hand on the bed, keeping herself up.

“Good?” Steve ask her in a gentle tone, reaching out to catch her if she fell.

She looked up at Steve observing his blue eyes, and again, she thought of Black Coffee. His voice, his face, his eyes, him. He reminds her of Black Coffee...why?

Y/N took in a deep breath and stood on her feet without any help, she felt a slight tug on the cuff, and took a small step forward, in a split second, it all came back to her. Walking, running, talking, being a person, it feels so natural. Instinct.

Bucky pulled back the curtain as she stepped out of her curtain room. Bucky went to grab her shoulder, but stopped himself, and pointed to a door at the end of the room, “There, that's the restroom,”

As they approached the bathroom, she felt her legs become shaky. Not with weakness, but with a need. A need to run. To go fast, to let it out. To let something out. Not to run away, but just to...run.

She and Cho entered the bathroom, Cho turned her back to Y/N as she used the restroom. When Y/N finished her business, they exited and Cho smiled at her, “Y/N, do you want to go for a walk? Maybe we can take her to go get fresh air?”

Y/N nodded and smiled at the doctor, just for everyone to freeze for a moment. She responded...she smiled, even if it was weak, and maybe even fake, it was a response to a question.

Bucky couldn’t stop the smile on his face as he looked at Steve, who was too shocked to smile. “O-okay, we’ll go outside.” He muttered as Bucky grabbed the other side of the cuff. They made their way to the door that would bring them to the courtyard.

Y/N couldn’t shake that need, the need to run. It only got more and more intense as they went on, approaching the door. Would she be free? No, not really. But would she be freer than she was before? Yes, absolutely. And that meant something, something! Anything. The need went from running to screaming, the need to run as far and as fast as possible screaming and yelling as loud as humanly possible. Tears.

Tears fell from her eyes as she smelt the fresh air, and felt the coolness of the clean oxygen hit her skin. Her eyes stung in the sunlight, and from the salty tears. She felt herself grip her hospital gown and the concrete ground under her socks.

“Are you okay?” Steve asked, placing a gentle touch to her upper arm, he then gently moved it up to rest it on her shoulder.

She looked up at him and blinked, she is...she is okay. And that felt wrong.


	3. Chapter Three

It’s always quiet around the Avengers compound. The wind blew leaves in the trees, sometimes a car or truck would drive through, birds chirped, a quinjet might fly off. They are far away enough from the city for it to be quiet most of the time. 

Silence can also be deafening. 

Y/N sat down at the bench, Bucky sat across from her with a loose hold on the other end of the cuff. Cho approached with a tray of different breakfast foods, Steve noticed the small portions, “Doesn’t seem like much.” 

A bird landed in the grass near Y/N, she watched it with curiosity and the tiniest bit of glee. 

“Because it’s not.” Cho put the food in front of her, “If we gave her too much, she could be overfed, and that can get dangerous.” Cho sat down next to Y/N and just looked at her. Y/N, on the other hand, was looking at everything she possibly could. “She was starved, had to of been,” Cho muttered, glancing at Bucky, who was watching Y/N. 

Y/N then looked up, but for the sun to hurt her eyes. She closed then tightly and looked down, noticing the food in front of her. She blinked a few times before she grabbed a piece of watermelon from the fruit cup. A smile tugged at Bucky’s lips. 

Natasha, Cho, Bucky, and Steve watched with curiosity and wonder as she bit the red, juicy piece of fruit in half. It was exciting, to watch her eat, which was strange. It was like watching your child try a new food or activity for the first time. 

A security dog began barking, and Y/N jumped and turned to look at the noise, dropping her piece of watermelon on the table. She took in and quickly let out a shaky breath. 

“It’s just a dog, you’re okay,” Bucky hadn’t noticed that he had let go of the cuff. It danged from her wrist, no one seemed to notice, not even Y/N.

Her comfortable deminer completely shifted, she was stiff and looked like she was about to cry again.

Natasha felt her mood drop as she glanced at Steve, who was looking at his hands, worry, and disappointment written in his eyes. 

Cho then grabbed a juice from her lab coat pocket, apple juice in a plastic bottle, “This might make you feel better?” Cho put the juice in front of her, Y/N stared at it for a moment. “It’s apple juice if you want it.” 

Y/N took it in her boney hand, a purple bruise covered a large portion of the back of her hand. She just looked at the apple juice, tipping the bottle around, watching the yellowy liquid bubble and move within the bottle. Bucky then took it from her and opened it, he cracks of the plastic cap made her eyes widen, he then placed the bottle and cap down in front of her. She looked at Bucky, then to the juice. 

“It’s okay, drink it.” 

Carefully, she lifted the plastic bottle and took a very small sip of the juice, just to place it back down and look at Bucky, almost like she was waiting for another order. The thought of Bucky giving her orders made his stomach drop. 

“Did you like it?” Natasha asked in Russian. 

Y/N looked at her and took another drink, confirming that she enjoys the drink. 

“What’d you say?” Cho’s hair blew gently as a breeze came past. 

“I just asked her if she likes it.” Natasha shrugged.   
She finished the apple juice in less than ten minutes. 

Steve and Bucky met with Cho in private, Cho had a file of papers with her, plans for Y/N. Steve glanced at Bucky, who was watching Cho organize her papers, Cho took in a deep breathe, “So, I have a few plans, medically, but first, we’ll need someone to look over her, psychologically.” Cho began, “We need to get her communicating.” 

“How do you propose we do that?” Steve leaned into his own question, shifting in his seat, Bucky took note of the movement.

Cho smiled when the door opened and in came Banner and a blonde woman. “Bruce brought in someone he believes can help us...his very own physiatrist.” 

“Best of the best, boys,” Bruce said. 

“My name is Dr. Lucy Winter, but everyone calls me Lou.” She sat down and brushed some hair from her face, “We’ll start with simple stuff, getting her comfortable with us, though, if we try too many, it’ll overwhelm her, she’ll get scared.” Bucky and Steve agreed to that. “Do you have anyone specific that you want her to...speak to?”

“Either myself of Buck,” Steve said. “She’ll probably be much more hesitant with me, than him.” 

She nodded as she wrote something down on her pad, “Okay, let's try Sargent Barnes first, then Captain Rogers.” She continued to write on her pad, “How is she, in general, hostile, communicative?”

“Neither, radio silence, emotionless, timid, refusal of eye contact,” 

“Signs of abuse,” Lou shrugged her shoulder, “What is she doing currently?”

“She is in her bed, we provided her with a couple of books to take up her time, we wish we could let her do more, but we’re unsure,” Steve explained, Bucky held his tongue, he wanted to mention letting go of her cuff earlier in the day, but decided against it, not wanting to hear any lip from Steve. 

“How much interaction have you gotten from her?”

“A smile and a nod.” Cho said with glee, “She enjoyed being outdoors,” 

Lou nodded, “Well, that’s wonderful, may I meet the lady of the hour?” 

They approached her curtain bedroom, where she lied on her side, back to them, cuffed to the bed, she was drawing a pattern over the Hydra symbol embedded in her skin. 

“Hello, I understand your name is Y/N?” Lou approached her with her hand out, asking for a handshake. Y/N quickly sat up and leaned away from Lou, who didn’t seem to even mind, she just sat down in the chair with her clipboard, “Your friends tell me you had apple juice today, was that your first time having apple juice?” Lou’s positive energy only seemed to confuse the girl. 

Bucky and Steve watched from the curtain, sensing her confused energy. 

Lou seemed to frown at her, “So you’re not much of a talker?” She looked at Bucky and Steve, “Has she said anything at all?” 

“No, she hasn’t spoken a word, to anyone. Even when we were...out on the field with her, she was silent.” Steve explained. 

Lou then cocked her head at her, “You have permission to talk, you know that don’t you?” That got her attention. She stared at Lou and opened her mouth, like she was about to say something, but closed it again, looking away from Lou and at her brand. “You have permission to do anything you’d like, you just have to ask, you have to use your words.” Lou then looked at her clipboard and began to write on it.

Y/N squinted her eyes at the woman, she looked at Steve and Bucky. Steve and Bucky saw what she was doing imminently, taking in her surroundings. Looking for an escape route, she looked back at Lou and opened her mouth, “Hail Hydra.” She spoke in Russian, no one in the room understood her. 

Steve felt himself gasp, while Bucky racked his brain...he’s heard that before. He knows what it means...

Lou quickly looked at her, “I’m sorry?” 

Tightening her jaw and looking away, the girl felt panic crawl up her spine. Two days, it had been two days and still, no Papa, no rescue, what if she is trapped here, stuck forever, as a prisoner of the Avengers. 

She touched her cheek, feeling the wet of her tears. 

“Nat?” Steve spoke into his phone, “Can you come down here, we need a translator.”


	4. Chapter Four

Something feels...wrong. Tony thought to himself and looked away from the soon-to-be new and improved suit for Rhodey. He shook his head, his messy hair bouncing slightly at the action, ignoring the thought, asked Friday to turn the music up and continued on with his today project, thinking about what his tomorrow project will be. 

Natasha approached with a pep in her step, as she came into view of Y/N, she was quick to stop, seeing her in tears. 

“Y/N, what did you say to Dr. Lou?” Natasha asked in Russian with a tone in her voice that was a little too unkind. 

Y/N just stared at her, when she recognized the woman, in an instant, her name came to her. “Natalie?” She blinked as Natasha took a step back, a wave of a surprise coming over her. “Where is my papa?” Russian is obviously her first language. Natasha told herself. 

Natasha looked at Steve and Bucky who were staring at her, waiting for her to either translate or speak to Y/N again, “She-she asked where her ‘papa’ is.” She took in a breath and gulped slightly, “Can you speak English?” 

“Tell her she is permitted to speak English, see if that does anything,” Bucky added. 

“If you can speak English, you are permitted to speak it, speak to us, in English, Y/N.” 

“Do you know where my papa is?” She spoke, in English, Russain accent thick on her tongue, staring Natasha dead in the eyes, the tone in her voice chilled the room. “He is supposed to come and get me, I have been here too long.” She looked away, glancing at the floor, then to her hand, “Have I finished my mission?” 

Misson. Black Coffee. Steve Rogers. New York. 

Flashes of information flooded her, but nothing connected, she had no idea what her mission actually was, just that there is one. 

Bucky quickly grabbed a chair and sat next to her, “Your-your papa can’t come, we can’t let him,” Bad choice of words. 

She looked away from Bucky and seemed to stare at nothing, but her eyes were technically focused on Steve’s face. “Black Coffee.” She whispered, with a flash, she grabbed the IV tube and ripped it out of her arm, reaching to cause any kind of harm with the sharp needle. Natasha and Bucky moved Lou back, and they stood out of her reach. Steve looked around, taking in surroundings in case this turns south and he has to fight his way out. 

“Y/N, calm down, calm!” 

She dropped the IV, her hand was becoming covered in blood, pulling it out in the manner that she did would cause that. She began to sob, hard and neverending. Bucky and Steve held her down as Natasha cuffed her to the bed with shorter cuffs on both hands. After they cuffed her down, Cho came in to stop the bleeding and put her IV back in. Along with giving her a dose of anesthetic.

Steve and Bucky entered their apartment, avoiding each other like the plague. Steve imminently went to his bedroom, while Bucky sort of just stood there, thinking. After a few moments, Steve walked out in his gym clothes, “I’m going for a run,”

“You don’t want to talk about it?” 

“Nope,” Steve closed the door behind him, leaving Bucky with his thoughts. 

Bucky entered his own room, though he couldn’t remember the last time he had slept in it. It was comfortable, and Tony did everything he could to make it comfortable for Bucky, even though Tony didn’t like Bucky, he needed him happy. Bucky didn’t enjoy being away from Steve. They did everything together nowadays. 

Sleep, wake up, eat, workout, go over missions...sex. Bucky sighed as he found himself in Steve’s bedroom. He looked at his pajama pants near the hamper and sat on the bed, thinking more and more about her. 

He was infatuated with her. 

He can’t deny it. 

He needs, needs to be around her!

Why?

What is wrong with him? 

What is it about her that draws him to her?

The thousands of thoughts were like title waves, one after the other, flooding his brain completely and if he’s not careful, he’ll drown. 

Bucky had to physically stop himself from walking as he stood in front of the hospice doors, he took a deep breath, “What am I doing here?” He growled to himself and leaned on the wall across from the door. 

The door is gray, with a small window on each door, they’re swinging doors that go in both directions, good for wheeling patients in and out. 

“Being an idiot.” He quickly looked at Sam, who was standing at the vending machine, “What’s up, man?” He smiled at Bucky with a look in his eye that makes Bucky feel a little more grounded, the water retreating back into the ocean. 

“I don’t know, I want to see her, but she’s...she’s hostile.”

A shrug caused Bucky to raise his eyebrows at his friend, “Maybe, or maybe she’s just scared.” Sam grabbed his soda from the machine, he knew that if Steve caught him drinking that he’s getting chewed out for not taking care of his body. 

“Scared?”

“Think about how you acted, you were so afraid, man. And for the right reasons. What if...what if she just was uncomfortable with the new person, maybe she didn’t like the mood, something told her she was in danger, and whatever that is...it’s up to you to make it go away.” Sam pointed at him and turned around, walking away, “Or maybe I’m just talking out of my ass, don’t get mad at me if she stabs you with an IV needle!” 

Bucky chuckled and pushed himself off the wall, Sam made up his mind for him. He entered to find Cho sat at her desk, “Bucky?”

“Can I see her?” He asked, putting on his ‘kicked puppy’ face. 

Cho sighed. 

They approached the private room, two guards stood on each side of the door, “Can you go in alone, or do you need me in there?”

“I’ll be fine,” Bucky felt his heart drop as she door opened and he saw her sat on the bed, both of her wrists cuffed to the bed, he almost flinched at the sound of the door behind him. 

He walked to the end of her bed and followed her eyes, she was staring out the wall-length window. The night sky hung over them like a blanket, it was both comforting, but could also suffocate you at any moment. The thought scared Bucky. 

“Bucky.” She spoke softly. It caused his heartbeat to go a bit irregular at the sound of his name on her lips. 

“Yeah,” He nodded, confirming that it’s him. “Why did you attack us?” He didn’t know what he was going to ask when he had opened his mouth, but that’s what fell out. 

She shrugged, something inside of her had woken up, he could tell. Her eyes weren’t glassy and fogged over. She was aware, incredibly aware. 

“I didn’t have a window.” 

He didn’t know how to respond to that. 

“My bedroom, with my bed and my bookshelf, no window. Once, I had a plant.” She looked down at the floor, “It died.” 

“Plants need sunlight, if you didn’t have a window, it probably wasn’t getting any sunlight,” Bucky explained. 

She looked up at him, she was sobbing, tears were rolling down her face and her eyes were red with irritation, “That's what my papa said.” Bucky’s skin crawled.

“Will you tell me about him?” 

She looked at Bucky, “You’re the Winter Soldier.” 

“I was.” 

“They called me...дочь,” She spoke in a weary tone, afraid of her own voice. “It means Daughter in English.” She smiled to herself, the smile was sad and...afraid, “The daughter of the Hyrda...cut off my head...two grow back.” She looked at Bucky’s hard blue eyes, and held up two fingers at him, “My papa always told me that, anyway.” Her hand dropped back into her lap and she turned away from him.

“Do you...believe that?” 

She shrugged, “I don’t know anymore, I don’t know what I believe. My papa told me that if I didn’t come back to him, he would rescue me, but-but I’m…”

Bucky didn’t want to ask, “But you’re what?” And yet he did. 

“I’m trapped here,” She glanced at him, only to quickly look away again. “I don’t know how I got here, why I’m in New York, I don’t know anything!” She began to sob. 

He reached his hand out and grabbed her hand, holding her left hand in his own, his metal hand. He looked at the brand on her arm, and it struck him. 

He, himself has been branded by Hydra in his own way. He looked at his vibranium arm...or at least he was. 

He noticed a scar on her chin, it had to of been as old as her, she got it as a child, toddler, baby even. It blended in so well with her skin it was hardly noticeable unless you were searching for it. 

She was silent for a while, she looked away from the window and at their hands, she pulled her hand away and looked at the cuff, a tear fell again. 

“Do you remember?” 

“Remember what?”

“Your...victims?” 

“All of them, every single one.”

“I don’t.”


	5. Chapter Five

White hair, like snow. Red eyes, like the Hydra symbol. Intimidating demeanor. He placed the styrofoam cup in front of her folded hands, into her eyeliner. The bitter tar splashed into it with little sound. Cold Black Coffee. She did good, she knew what coffee means, reward, trust. She stared into the swirling liquid, small foamy bubbles danced on the top of the liquid, she followed them with her lifeless eyes. 

“You’re doing a very important job, Daughter.” He put his hands on her shoulders, too close to her neck, not massaging, but gripping. Remaining in Control. “Drink, little one, you deserve it.” His tone is low, a whisper, but that doesn’t make it any less of a command. She fought off a shutter as the tar slithered down her throat. “Do you see the pictures in front of you?” She nodded her head and looked at the two printed out pictures.

Her father let go of her and walked around the frost-covered table, he put his fingers on the picture of the brunette man, “Who is this?” 

“James Buchanan Barnes, referred to as Bucky. The Winter Soldier. Assassin, Hydra’s greatest asset.” She noticed his emotionless expression and dull blue eyes, the person he once was, has been erased now.

He put his other hand on the other picture, “And him?”

“Steven Grant Rogers, also known as Captain America. The only survivor of America’s Super Soldier Program.” She noticed her father’s eyes focused on something behind her, but she knew better than to turn around. 

“What are you to do to them?” 

“Kill Captain America. Bring Hydra their Winter Soldier back to them.” 

A shuffle from behind her made her stiffen up even more than she was, “You’ve trained her well, Vikram…” That voice. She recognized the voice. “I’m impressed.”

Papa smiled and nodded his head slightly, he’s nervous. The disembodied voice makes him anxious. “Thank you, Doc.” 

Doc. Doctor. 

Dr. Kudr. Rubber. Classical Music. Butterflies. 

She blinked and grabbed her cup of coffee taking another drink. 

“She’s ready for her mission.” 

“At least let her finish her coffee, Doc. She needs to be rewarded, after all.” His hand touched her knee and slowly moved under her dress. His hand came to close to her sex. 

Don’t bite the hand that feeds you. She reminded herself, stiffening and taking another drink of coffee. Her eyes landed on Captain Rogers. 

His face and the taste of the coffee tattooing her brain. 

She didn’t wake with a jump, or a jolt, not even a sharp breath. Rather, her eyes just opened. Dark. 

Too dark. 

Black Coffee. That’s why she made the connection. The touch, Captain’s face, the taste and texture of the thick drink. 

She looked at the handcuffs attached to the bed. She’s sick of this. 

Her eyes focused on the stars outside the window, and her heart dropped. 

In a book, from her childhood, she read of stars. But...but she had never seen them, not like this. They’re...they’re so many. They look like eyes, but she didn’t feel like she was being watched, rather that she’s...connecting with this million-eyed beast. The night sky, and it’s millions of eyes. 

She heard the door open, and imminently knew it was Bucky.


	6. Chapter Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, I understand that this is a bit out of place. But I want to address that I am currently going through a bit of a dry spell. I'm having some pretty severe writer's block. My main focus is this fanfiction at the moment, but I am taking a short break from it, I will be back and I will do my best to update it when I can! Thank you for the support and for being patient! Much love!

Lou and Y/N sat in the room, it was well decorated, chess set on the short table between them. The black leather chairs were much more comfortable than a hospital bed. 

“Bucky tells me you have been talking a bit more.” 

A shrug. 

Lou then smiled and picked up her purse from beside her, the girl across from her watched the action with caution. “I brought you a gift. I saw it and thought of you.” Lou grabbed the fluffy white object from her purse and reached it out to Y/N. Her eyes landed on the small stuffed white rabbit with a blue ribbon tied around its neck. “I get that you’re a little old for toys, but look at how cute it is.” 

With hesitation, she took the toy into her frail hands and stared at it, her long cuffs making little sound. She cocked her head to the side and fighting a smile. 

“What are you gonna name it?” 

She looked up at Lou, her expression alone about made Lou burst into tears, “N-name?” 

Lou tried not to celebrate too much at getting her to talk, “Yeah, are you gonna call him or her anything?” 

Y/N looked back down at the rabbit and took her bottom lip between her teeth, clearly thinking about what she would call her new toy. “I don’t know, I can’t think of a good name.”

Lou smiled at her, “That’s okay, you don’t have to, why don’t you think on it?” 

With a nod, she placed the toy in her lap, protecting it with her arms. Lou could only imagine it was her first gift, ever. 

“How have you been, have you gone outside at all?”

Y/N shrugged, “They’ve offered, but…”

“But?”

“I don’t know if I should.” 

Lou squinted and wrote a note on her paper, Y/N watching the action with curiosity, “What...what do you write, on there?” She pointed with her finger. 

Lou lifted her head, a bit surprised by the question, “Oh, I write down...important things you tell me, or that you do.” 

“Why?” 

“To help you.”

“Help me with what?”

“Healing.” 

Healing. That word lingered in her mind, she held the toy to her chest and walked with Steve. She glanced at Steve and tasted cold black coffee in her mouth. She hates that flavor. It uses to mean something, something good. 

“What am I healing from?” She blurted out, stopping in her tracks. 

Sam, who was walking behind her froze, never hearing her voice before. He looked at Steve, who was looking at her. “What do you mean?”

“Was I injured?” She looked at Steve, the look in her eye both curious and almost dangerous. She’s aware that she’s getting more confident with every moment she’s cooped up by the Avengers. 

“You weren’t physically injured,” Steve answered, still confused. 

She took in a breath and looked at the rabbit, “Then why am I healing?”

“You hurt your heart.” Sam almost covered his mouth with his hand, surprised at his own words, she turned to him, confused, “Not your actual heart, more like your emotions, and you didn’t hurt them. Someone else did.” 

Her eyes moved away from Sam and to the floor, he felt relief. She narrowed her eyes, “Who?”

Steve slow blinked at Sam, “That’s for you to know.” He wanted to shrug the conversation off. 

Cho entered her room, “Y/N, do you want to go out today?”

She stared at the rabbit, which she had sat in her lap. “Am I allowed to?” 

“Of course. We want to build trust, we want you to trust us.” Cho approached, a key in her hand, “If I take the cuffs off, you won’t do anything drastic, right?” 

Trust. Her eyes landed on the brand on her arm, “May I have a sweater?” 

“Of course you can sweetheart.”

“I promise not to do anything drastic.” She smiled at Cho, who seemed to beam back at her. 

She held the rabbit in her crossed arms and she hugged herself, the sweater warming her. She no longer wore hospital gowns, rather t-shirts, sweatpants, and sneakers. She and Cho walked the halls of the compound, “Do you want anything to eat, the cafeteria is right over here.” 

Y/N nodded and followed Cho. Cho grabbed one of the pale yellow trays and began to grab various foods. Cho didn’t seem to mind when Y/N wondered a few feet away, looking at a little blue bag with a chocolate chip cookie on it, along with words. 

“Dr. Cho.”

“Yes, hun?”

“I can’t read.” 

After that day, Cho would come in every night after her shift, and help Y/N learn to read. This bonded them, they began to build trust with each other. And soon enough, they ditched the handcuffs completely. That didn’t stop them from keeping the door locked though. 

Bucky and Steve entered her room to find her standing at the window, leaning over and looking down, a tight grip on the sill, and her stuffed bunny dangling from her hand. They both quickly realized that she is mentally stunted, a child in an adult body. She’s mentally behind them because she wasn’t ever able to have access to the outside world, all she had was...Hydra. 

“What’re you looking at?”

“The ground, we’re high up.” She looked at Steve, who asked the question, and tasted black coffee again. 

Bucky approached the bed and grabbed a book from off the table, “How’s reading coming along?” 

“We always read children's books.” 

“Yeah?” Bucky flipped through, “Can...can you read Russian?”

She nodded and hummed, “It’s boring in here, I wanna do something.”

“We can go for a walk,” Steve suggested. 

“Walks are boring too.” 

“Harsh.” Bucky chuckled, “We could watch a movie.”

“A movie?” He piqued her interest, she turned away from the window and looked at him. “What’s a movie?”

Steve glanced at Bucky, then back to her, “It’s a form of entertainment, we can show you, c’ mon.” 

They sat on the large gray sofa of the common room and waited for the movie to start, they had let her pick a movie, she picked Titanic, to both Steve and Bucky’s surprise, given that they assumed she would pick one of the many Disney movies from Natasha’s collection. 

Steve and Bucky would attempt to say something when they would be quickly shushed by Y/N, who was deeply invested in the movie. 

Bucky let himself get interested, but Steve found himself watching Bucky and Y/N, wondering what they thought of the movie.

Before long, the Car Sex Scene came up, and Steve looked at his phone awkwardly. “Why are they doing that?” She asked. 

Bucky and Steve looked to each other, wanting the other to answer her, “Um...cause…” Bucky looked at her, as she attentively paid attention to him, “They love each other, and want to open themselves up to one another.”

She didn’t respond but just went back to watching the long film. 

By the credits, she was still crying, “Hey, it’s okay, it’s just a movie, it’s not real.” Bucky gently grabbed her wrist to get her attention. 

“It’s not?”

“No,” Bucky giggled, “It’s all fake, they’re pretending.” 

“So Jack is okay?” 

“Yes, he’s okay.” Bucky looked up at Steve, who was looking at her fondly. 

Steve was deep in thought, thinking about Bucky and her, and their interactions and how he wants to see them interact like this more. That he would be happy to take care of both of them. He pulled himself out of his thoughts at that. Coming to realize exactly what it is that he just imagined. The future of him and Bucky...and she’s there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, I understand that this is a bit out of place. But I want to address that I am currently going through a bit of a dry spell. I'm having some pretty severe writer's block. My main focus is this fanfiction at the moment, but I am taking a short break from it, I will be back and I will do my best to update it when I can! Thank you for the support and for being patient! Much love!


	7. Chapter Seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm still not completely back from taking a break but I had a bit of inspiration to write! So yay! Anyway, it still might be a bit before I update again, but I am doing my best and I also have the plot mapped out so I know what direction I'm going in for the story, now I just have to write it lol. Easier said than done!

She pulled the navy blue hoodie tighter around her gripping the fabric tight in her hands. It caused her fingers to ache. She lifted her heavy eyelids to be met with a completely dark room. She sat up in the hospital bed and let out a hot breath, and from that, she saw a cloud of heat in the cold from her mouth. 

This confused her, they keep it at a good temperature, why is it so...cold? 

Cold. 

The word itself caused her to shiver and bite her lip in fear. She quickly got out of the bed, as her bare feet touched the ground, she just about yelped at the temperature of the tile floor. She instinctively looked at the scratched white tile, to discover that it’s coated in a layer of frost. After a moment of shock, she shook herself back into reality and grabbed the slippers that sat on the floor, tucked away under the bed. 

As she approached the door, she heard muffled speaking. As she reached for the metal door handle, she stopped herself, a thought entered her mind. She places the back of her hand on the door handle...freezing. She then leaned forward and put her ear to the door.

“When we go in, we have to keep her down.” She couldn’t place the voice, it didn’t sound like any specific person, rather it sounded like multiple men’s voices layered on top of each other.

“I’ll grab her legs, you get her arms.” Black coffee. Steve. She stepped back away from the door, and fear quickly activated her fight or flight mode and she ran to the corner of the room, she grabbed the chair that sat there, and threw it against the window, just for it to bounce off and onto it’s side on the ground, the room quickly grew colder. 

She took in a deep breath as cold tears began to fill her eyes. Cold tears. Why are they cold? She sucked in a breath and as she reached to grab the chair again, she heard the door crash open and two hands grab her ankles. 

A scream came from her mouth as she tried to kick the person off. He pulled her feet out from under her and she fell onto her chest, she turned quickly, to be met with the blue eyes of Steve Rogers. 

“Steve?” She whispered, and then a metal hand grabbed her arm and pulled it behind her, a flesh hand grabbed her other one and pulled it back as well. “Bucky…” She didn’t say his name, rather she mouthed it and looked up at him, but she was not met with the face of Bucky Barnes, but rather, The Winter Soldier.

Her mission. It flooded back. 

“Kill Steve Rogers. And bring Hyrda their Winter Soldier back. Kill any Avenger that gets in your way.” 

With a deep breath, she woke up. 

Bucky and Steve looked up at the girl who was asleep on the couch. She sat up quickly and they imminently could tell from her body language the dream she had just had. 

She curled up into herself and put her hands flat over her ears, “Papa…” She whispered slowly, “It’s so cold papa…” 

Bucky jumped up imminently and grabbed a blanket, he approached cautiously, just to realize that she either didn’t notice him or didn’t care about his presence at all. He put the blanket over her shoulders and moved to sit on the couch in front of her. Steve stood up, but he put his hand out to tell him to stop. 

“Y/N?” She looked up at him, tears falling from both her eyes, he reached out to wipe them, but she pulled away reluctantly. He was able to reach her face and with his fingers made the tears disappear. 

Silence fell between the two, his pointer, middle, and ring finger resting under her Y/E/C eye. She reached up and with her smaller hand, grabbed his and pulled it away, she moved it away from her face so she could look at it clearly. She stared at his hand, just staring at it, she then began to rub her fingers, feeling all the groves in his skin. 

She leaned forward slightly, and put his palm to her cheek, holding his hand there and closing her eyes. He moved his fingers a little, rustling her hair under his fingertips. 

Her eyes opened and met his, “You’re touch is so nice.” 

“It is?” He whispered back, Steve blinked his dry eyes at the sight, causing them to tear up from the lack of blinking from watching them so intensely. 

“You don’t hit, you don’t touch where I don’t want you too...you never have.” She looked away from his eyes, and he knew what she was feeling just from the look on her face, “You denied me, even when under control of Hydra, you’re good, James.” He flinched a little. That name, her Russian accent, the look of guilt and regret in her eyes. 

“Y/N…” He warned, she then turned to look at Steve. 

She took in a breath, “I came to New York to kill Steve Rogers.” She watched the shock taint his beautiful face. “And to obtain The Winter Soldier under my control,” Bucky’s hand dropped from her cheek and he pulled it into himself. She looked back at him, and put her eyebrow together in confusion, “I...I don’t want to sleep in the hospital anymore.” She shook her head, “I don’t want to hurt either of you. But I feel like I have to.” 

“You don’t,” Steve said quickly, taking a step closer, she looked up at him, her face blanks from emotion, “You don’t have to hurt anybody, not ever again. We’re here to keep you safe,” He dropped to his knees on the ground in front of her, he carefully grabbed her hand, “You don’t have to listen to papa if you don’t want to…” He put her palm on his cheek, and leaned into it, closing his eyes, replicating what she had done to Bucky. “You don’t have to kill, hurt, not ever again if you don’t want to.” 

“If I don’t want to?”

“You never have to do anything you don’t want to do ever again,” Steve’s voice wavered with emotion, he wanted to cry, he needed to cry. He felt so horrible for her, it ate away at him. 

She leaned close to his face, and studied his eyes, she was searching for something. She was looking for if he was deceiving her, lying to her, hiding his true self from her, anything that would make her suspect that he or Bucky have vial intentions. 

But all she found was guilt, sadness, and...care. 

For some reason that made her even more confused and weary of him. She wants them to be deceiving her, and lying to her, getting her to trust them just so they can use her. As a weapon, as a daughter, as a toy, as anything they want. She wants that because it’s all she’s ever known. 

She pulled away from him and wet her lips with her tongue, she looked away from both of them, staring at the wall, “I don’t want to sleep in the hospital anymore, it’s too cold.” 

Cold. 

Bucky nodded, “Okay, I understand. We’ll...we’ll see what we can do.” 

Steve smiled weakly and looked up at her then at Bucky, “We’ll do whatever you need, I promise.” Steve’s voice made her glance at him, and she found nothing but sincerity and kindness on his face and in his sky blue eyes.

And that almost frustrated her. It almost annoyed her. She didn’t like it, she didn’t like his kindness, it’s offputting and weird to her. 

The elevator doors opened, and she was met with a large living room with a big flat-screen television and a large gray sofa that was almost a complete rectangle but was missing a side, that side was also the same as the television. 

There were displays of old black and white paintings of a city, New York City, the first one was New York in the twenties, the second being the thirties, the third being the forties, and the last being the fifties. The wall across from the paintings was floor to ceiling windows, the entire wall, it was beautiful. 

She glanced at Steve and Bucky, who was watching her carefully. She tried not to smile and approached the windows, her stomach dropped as she glanced down, the feeling thrilled her and made her move closer with glee. She put her hand up to her mouth as she giggled quietly to herself. 

“You like windows, huh?” Steve asked, now standing next to her. 

She nodded and flatly placed her hand on the window, the window wasn’t warm or cold, it was cooler than the air around her, but wasn’t as cold as her dream from the day before. “Is this where you live?” She asked, not taking her hand from the window and looking up at Steve. 

“Bucky and I live here as well, yes.” 

“Do we have our own rooms?”

Steve took the question as her asking to see her bedroom, he smiled at her and reached his hand out to her, she stared at his hand for just a moment before she took his hand in her own and they entered through a large archway into a hallway, there were more black and white paintings of New York things, like men on half-built bridges, and old cars on the streets. But there was one that stood out to her as they walked down the hallway. She kept her eyes on it as they walked. A little boy and a dog running down the New York streets, the little boy has a stick in his hand and the dog was reaching for the stick with his mouth. 

Steve stopped them at the last door in the hallway, other than the double doors at the way end, there was a total of six doors not including the doubles at the end of the hall. The doors are black, to contrast the white walls, and to match and black and white theme of the entire apartment. The apartment itself must be entirely based on the black and white paintings of New York. 

She locked eyes with Steve and he gestured for her to enter the room, she felt eyes on the side of her and looked at Bucky who was looking at her with a sense of pride. 

With a deep breath, she grabbed the room temperature door handle and pushed open the door, she was met with a room not too large, but larger than the hospital room. She was surprised to see light pink bedsheets with white flowers decorating it. She walked in slowly, taking in the room. 

There was a fluffy white rug that fit inside of the room beautifully, a mirror hung over her bed, and on each side of the mirror, wall lights that dimly lit the bed, along with that were two bedside tables. Whitewood with two drawers. The bed was made very neatly, with no wrinkles. The duvet was light pink with the white flowers, while the sheets itself were white with a light pink pattern displayed on them. As she approached the bed, she saw the many different kinds of decorative pillows and then finally her eyes landed on her gift from Dr. Lou. 

The white rabbit with a blue ribbon sat on the bed propped on the pillows, leaning slightly to his left. She picked up the toy and smiled at it. 

“Do...do you like it?” Steve asked reluctantly. 

She turned to look at him, tucking the rabbit close to her chest. She blinked and took in a slow breath, she then looked around the room more. Across from the bed on the wall was a flat-screen television, on each side of the television is a black door. 

“What...where do these go?” She asked with a shaky voice, feeling like she wasn’t allowed to ask questions about her gift. 

“Oh,” Bucky seemed to get excited by the doors, he opened the door on the left and reviled a bathroom, “This is your bathroom, and this door,” He opened it, “Is your closet.” 

She didn’t say anything as she took a step back and nodded her head a little. 

“Are you okay?” Steve questioned. 

She took a moment to respond, “I’m okay, just a little…” She shook her head and shrugged slightly, “I-I don’t know,”

“Jarring, isn’t it?” Bucky asked, approaching her, grabbing her arm and pulling her to sit on the bed with him, “It’s part of your healing, we’re…” He paused himself as he watched her shift her focus to her feet, she watched her foot move back and forth on the rug, moving the strands of faux fur. “Do you know what normalcy means?” He asked. 

She looked back up at him, “I can guess,” 

“Okay, well we want you to have normalcy. We want you to be a normal woman, not a weapon for Hydra.” 

Y/N smiled at that and looked at Steve, who was smiling back at her. 

“Does normalcy mean happy?” She asked Steve. 

“You could say that, yeah…” He said with a nod, he began to approach her, he sat on the other side of her, “If normalcy means happy for you, then that’s what we’re trying to achieve.” He locked his hand in hers, Bucky then did the same. 

She felt something settle inside of herself. Her insecurity and annoyance of their security and...love seemed to fade away and she felt something inside of herself that was unfamiliar and brand new. The word that identified it was one that she heard plenty of times before, but it was always used in a way that seemed to be...a threat.

Trust.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm still not completely back from taking a break but I had a bit of inspiration to write! So yay! Anyway, it still might be a bit before I update again, but I am doing my best and I also have the plot mapped out so I know what direction I'm going in for the story, now I just have to write it lol. Easier said than done!


	8. Chapter Eight

It was raining today. Not too heavy, and was far and few between, but it was still raining. A gray hue filled the air of New York, humidity also hung in the air. It was sticky and wet, but somehow it wasn’t draining on emotions, it was calming and refreshing. Summer was fading into autumn, and soon, winter would come.

Dr. Lou sat down at the table across from them, her eyes shifted to the door behind them, “Is she just in there?” She asked.

Steve looked behind him quickly just to look back, “Uh, yeah, she is.” He said with a slight nod, folding his nervous hands together and setting them on the tabletop.

Lou nodded and opened her case, pulling out a thick black binder, the binder is thick, but it’s not nearly filled, “Here I have all of my notes and um...things I wanted to discuss with both of you, I never got the chance to ask Cho, but is she on any medications?” Lou’s voice was cheerful, hiding her real concerns.

Bucky glanced at Steve, “She’s on daily vitamins, Cho said she was deficient in a lot of um…” He shook his head slightly, not knowing what to say.

Lou smiled and nodded, “Okay, if you two can, I would like a list of her medications, if you can provide me with it, of course.” Steve and Bucky both nodded, but said nothing, “I should just get down to business, I want her on antidepressants.”

Steve and Bucky come from a time where things like antidepressants were not talked about openly and had a stigma around them. A nasty stigma at that. Steve’s eyebrows came together, while Bucky glanced at him, almost nervous about his reaction.

“Lou, are you sure?” Steve asked, trying not to sound like an old man. Bucky’s eyes shifted away to look at nothing, his eyes were technically looking at the black tabletop, but he wasn't looking at it.

Lou smiled and took in a soft breath, “I understand that something like ‘antidepressant’ sounds scary, and I can be. But it’s not a ‘happy pill’ it’s not...fake joy.” She shook her head slightly, the blonde bun on the top of her head jiggled, “It’s a balancing act, right?” They were looking at her face with intensity, Bucky couldn’t help but notice that her mascara as clumped slightly at the corner of her eye, it annoyed him. “Okay, let me explain it like this. There are four ‘happy chemicals’ in your brain, cause your brain is really just some meat and chemical reactions,” This interrogated the two men in front of her, which made Lou feel a bit of joy, “Dopamine, Endorphin, Oxytocin, and Serotonin, they all release for various reasons, right? Like, Steve, when you work out, your body releases these chemicals as almost a reward.”

“Oh, damn,” Steve muttered and smiling a little.

“Her ‘happy chemicals’ are…” Lou shook her head, “Let’s just say, she’s used to being punished for having them, so as a survival tactic, her brain rarely releases them, and an antidepressant would...put them inside of her, she wouldn’t become...happy as can be, and still she might even have off days, because all the antidepressants would do-” She paused herself, regaining her thoughts, “It makes the chemicals in her brain balanced...normal.”

Bucky smiled, thinking back to Normalcy...and what that means for her, what it means for them.

“What does...normal entail?” Steve asked cautiously.

Lou leaned her head to the side, “Well, she’ll begin to gain motivation to do things, like go out, eat, anything she enjoys. Notice, if no one is watching, or making her do something, she’ll just lie in the same place and stare at nothing, that’s not good, that’s a lack of motivation, a lack of motivation to even...exist.” Lou got a nod out of Steve, she already knew she had Bucky on board, “She’ll begin to eat more, how often does she eat as it is?”

“If we give her food, she’ll eat it.” Steve said with a nod, “She’s still very much in a headspace of...at any moment the food could disappear, we worry about overfeeding her.”

Lou nodded and hummed, jotting a note down, “With the help of Lou, we could write out a daily meal plan, how many hours does she sleep?”

“We lay her down at about eight, and she’ll sleep until one of us wake her up, we think she sleeps the entire night, but we’re not sure.”

Bucky sat up slightly, “I worry she doesn’t sleep in the middle of the night, that maybe she sleeps for only a few hours, then is up until the early morning hours,”

“Have you asked her about this?”

“Sort of, she doesn’t like to answer questions,”

Lou raised her eyebrows, “Tell me about it.” That cracked a smile out of both Steve and Bucky. She chuckled, “What does she do during the day?”

“Watches television, unless we’re interacting with her.”

“And what do you do with her?”

“Talk, mostly, we talk to her.” Steve nodded and glanced at Bucky, to confirm what he’s saying, “We can get her to read a little every day, but she’s generally uninterested in reading.”

“Okay, what does she watch on TV?”

“She watches Titanic a lot,” Bucky began, “Um...cartoons a lot of time, though I did catch her watching Game of Thrones and she seemed very interested in it.”

Lou nodded, “So she’s not...partial to any one thing?”

“Not really.”

“I worry that she’s mentally stunted, I don’t know her mental age just yet, it’s difficult to...know.”

“We don’t even know her physical age, Cho said she could be from...what was it she said?” Bucky asked, turning to Steve.

“From twenty to thirty, but we don’t know for sure.”

Lou nodded and wrote something else down, “Okay, now...you two might not know the answer to this but has she...menstruated at all?”

Steve looked at Bucky, who was looking at him, “We...we don’t know, Cho might, but we have no idea. If so she hasn’t said anything to either of us.”

Lou wrote on her pad again, “Okay, has she talked or asked about her...papa?”

Steve nodded, “Yes, she’s asked about his location twice and has mentioned him in like...haze-like state, she’ll say his name in her sleep, she must think about him...often.”

Lou hummed, “Well, that can be expected, he was a huge impact on her life, whether it was positive or negative, whether we like it or not,” She smiled a faux smile, “Now...does she ever sleep in front of you, like nap during the day?”

Steve moved his head from side to side, “She has once, and she must have had a nightmare, it was when she asked to move out of the hospital, she never told us what it was, and she hadn’t been talking in her sleep.”

With that, they ended the meeting and Lou left.

Y/N sat on the sofa, staring out the large windows at New York in the morning. Rather than going to Lou, Lou thought that it might be a good idea if they held their therapy session at the apartment. After being told that she was most comfortable there, Lou thought that it would be a good environment for their session.

“Hi, sweetheart.” Lou smiled and sat down on the sofa, she sat in a different section than Y/N. She put her bag on the ground and began to pull out her notepad and pen. “I got you another gift, like a housewarming present.” Lou smiled and reached into her bag.

You got a smile out of her quickly, using the present to gain her attention, Y/N leaned forward to see what she was reaching for. “I saw this, and thought that you would love it,” Lou said, lifting a coloring book, with a box of deluxe expensive colored pencils.

She took it and opened the book, putting the colored pencils to the side, and flipping through the pages. The coloring book is filled with a variety of things. Scenes of animals in a forest near a pond. A pattern of triangle flags played over each other hanging from strings. A cake with candles and strawberries. Birds in birdhouses.

When a smile appeared on her face, Lou knew she achieved something positive. “A coloring book, your color inside of the white parts. I thought that it would be good for you, to focus on something, a way to...relax.”

She nodded and looked at the colored pencils, running her fingers over them, causing them to roll in the flat box. “Thank you…”

Lou was taken back by that, she’s never thanked her before. “You’re...you’re very welcome, Y/N.”

With a smile she looked back down at the coloring book, flipping through the pages, “Steve told me that it’s nice to thank people, polite is the word he used.” She struggled to say polite, it’s obviously a new word for her.

“How are you adjusting to living with Steve and Bucky?”

“Good, I think. I’m not as…” She did a hand movement that was meant to replicate shaking.

“Anxious?”

“Yeah, as I was. I don’t feel…” She bit her lip.

“It’s okay, hun, I’m here to listen.”

She shifted anxiously and stopped making eye contact, “I don’t feel so cold all the time, here.” She was nervous about admitting this, but Lou couldn’t see why.

“Okay?”

That reaction made her brave, “I...I don’t know how to explain it, but cold is like…” She shifted uncomfortably. “Cold is scary,” Lou’s reaction stayed calm and normal, “I don’t want to be cold, ever. Everything was really cold, Papa was cold.”

“When you say cold, what do you mean?”

“Cold is...bad, everything bad, papa is cold, no windows is cold...black coffee is cold.”

“Mhmm…”

“This doesn’t make sense.”

“No, no, it does!” Lou assured, “It makes perfect sense what you’re saying. And it’s good to talk about it, talking about it will help you heal.” Lou put her hand on her chest, “I know that this is all scary, but...what we’re trying to do, is we’re trying to make you feel warm.”

Warm?

She smiled at that, “It is warm...Bucky is warm, Steve is warm, they make me feel warm.” Y/N nodded, “The apartment is warm and kind, it’s all so kind.”

Lou smiled, “I’m glad, hun, I am.” Lou blinked back tears, “I am proud of you, and you have made so much progress so quickly, I am proud of you, Steve and Bucky are proud. You’re doing so good.”

Y/N smiled and nodded a little, but her smile dropped slightly, “Lou, can I ask a question?”

“Always.”

“What’s our goal? Like why do we do this? What is it for?”

“What do you want it to be for?” Lou asked.

With the question, Lou wasn’t terribly surprised that her face fell into a puzzled expression. Of course, she’s never been asked what she wants, she’s never been allowed to want. She has fallen into this habit of serving others as a means to stay alive and believes she has to continue to do it even when she’s away from her father, who has controlled every aspect of her life from the moment she was born.

“You’re allowed to want, and you’re allowed to not know what you want. By doing this, we are developing our sense of self,” Lou began, gaining her full attention, “Once you begin to know that you can want, you will begin to want things.”

“I-” She thought to herself quietly for a moment, “You’re right, I don’t have a sense of self, as you put it.” Lou smiled at her, “Wh-Why?”

“Why do you lack a sense of self?”

“Yeah, is...does it have something to do with me, like did I do something to stop it?”

“Don’t blame yourself for the way you are, Y/N.” Lou bit her lip, “You didn’t do anything wrong, I promise. We just have to go through a journey of finding ourselves, everyone has to do it at some point in life, really.” Y/N nodded, listening to what Lou had to say,

“How do we find a sense of self?”

“We find what we’re good at and what we enjoy, we find hobbies.”

“Hobbies?”

“Like coloring, working out, some people’s hobbies are writing, reading, your hobby can be anything you want it to be.”

She nodded and seemed to look around herself, thinking, “Things we’re good at?”

“What is something that you’re good at doing, like something that comes to you naturally?” She seemed discouraged by the question, “It’s okay to now know, Y/N.”

With that, she shrugged, “Then I don’t know.”

Lou nodded, then smiled, reaching into her bag, “Well, our time is just about to be up, so I should give this to you now.” Lou pulled out a dull pink and grey striped journal, with Y/N’s name embroidered on the front of it in black. “I had this made for you, inside of it, you can put anything you want, but I want you to do one thing for me. Okay?”

She took the notebook and looked at it, running her finger over her name and feeling the texture of the cover. “Okay…”

“When something happens that makes you feel good, write it down.”

“I think I can do that.”

“Good, I’m glad.”

Steve entered the apartment, to be met with silence. “Buck? Y/N? I’m home!” He called into the silent apartment. He walked through the living room and into the dining room, and from the dining room into the kitchen, and he found a pad lied on the island. He lifted the pad to find Bucky’s handwriting.

‘Went for a walk around the compound! If you’re reading this, it means we’re not back yet!’

Steve smiled, and ripped the paper out, crumbling it and putting it in the trash can. He began to put the groceries away and avoided the plastic bag of pill bottles, folded up papers, and a daily pill holder, four for all seven days. Steve finished putting the groceries away and grabbed the bag. He entered her room and kicked the door closed behind him, he went into her bathroom and began to put each pill into their proper place. She would be taking many vitamins, trying an antidepressant, birth control, and a pill that would regulate her blood pressure. When Steve questioned the birth control, Choe expressed her concern that Y/N has never talked about menstruating and they have been shown no proof that she has. Birth control is a method of potentially regulating those types of hormones in her body.

Steve sighed when he finished, and put the box to the side, he opened the cabinet that was designed as a mirror and began to put the pills away, he pulled his phone out and took pictures of the papers, making sure to get good, clear ones. He also set alarms on his phone to tell him when they need to get her to take the medications.

Steve finished his duties and exited her room, as he closed the door, he heard the elevator doors open and muffled talking from Bucky. He entered the living room, finding the two taking their shoes off. “Hi you two, how was your walk?”

“It was good!” Y/N said. Since moving in with Steve and Bucky she has become more vocal and has begun to answer their questions. Her child-like behavior has also begun to subside. It was obvious to both of them that her childish behavior was a defense mechanism.

“I’m glad, baby girl.” The pet name slipped, and he hesitantly watched for her reaction to it. She didn’t seem to notice at first as she began to walk away, but she suddenly froze and turned to him. Bucky smiled slightly as he watched the two.

“Baby girl?”

“I’m sorry, Y/N if you don’t want me to call you that, I won’t.” He shook his head and put his hand gently on her forearm.

She smiled, “I don’t care if you call me that, it’s just that...I’ve never been called that before.” She struggled to find her words as she spoke, her Russian accent twisting up her words.

“You’ve never been called baby girl, or you’ve never been called a pet name?” Bucky asked.

“Pet name?” They’re always reminded that English isn’t her first language, it’s somehow always jarring when they teach her a new English word.

“Yeah, it’s for people who love each other, they call each other things like, baby girl, doll, sweetie, honey, babe, those are pet names.”

She nodded slowly seeming to understand what they’re telling her when she makes another confused face, “People who love each other, like...father and daughter?”

They felt a tingle of worry at her question. They didn’t know what she was potentially asking, and if they answered wrong, it could take them a few steps backward. They have been taking leaps and bounds the past few weeks she has been living with them, there was bound to be something to set them back a little bit.

“Sure, it could be father and daughter, mother and son, sister and brother...boyfriend and girlfriend, anyone, really...”

She didn’t respond, seeming to be deep in thought, she then reached her hand up and put her palm flat on Steve’s cheek. A habit she developed after the day she asked to move out of the hospital, she enjoys putting her hand on their cheeks, just feeling them.

“Pet names are supposed to be nice?”

Bucky smiled widely, “Yes, doll, they’re supposed to be nice.”

“Doll? Like a toy?” She asked, dropping her hand from Steve’s cheek.

Bucky shrugged, “More like...a perfect, beautiful little doll, that is so beautiful that she’s put on display.”

She didn’t respond, but rather, she narrowed her eyes and turned around, walking away from them, Bucky quickly looked at Steve, worried he upset her. Steve shrugged and began to follow her, “Baby girl?” He said carefully as they both entered the hallway.

“Yeah?” She asked, turning to him, a confused look on her face.

“Where are you going?”

She smiled, “I’m going to do something for Lou.”

Steve smiled and nodded, “O-okay, go ahead.” She turned away from him and entered her bedroom, but didn’t shut the door behind herself like she normally did. Steve felt something inside of himself relax.

They’re making progress, real, actual, genuine progress! It shocked him, he smiled dumbfoundedly in the hallway for a moment, thinking over their interaction, her words, the open bedroom door. Steve slowly and hesitantly turned back to walk to Bucky, to tell him what he needed to know.


	9. Chapter Nine

Steve and Bucky left her alone a lot. They worked too much and just kept her cooped up in the apartment. It made them feel guilty, and they could tell it took a toll on her. But what were they do to? She was quiet most of the time, but you could always tell she was in a good mood depending on how much she has to say, it’s not often that she talks when she's upset...though rare, not impossible.

Y/N sat at the dining table, eating lunch when Bucky joined her, sitting next to her and eating his own lunch. “How are you feeling, do you like your sandwich?” 

She nodded with a smile, chewing her food. After a moment, she reached over and touched the pepper shaker, “What is this?” She asked, looking over at him. 

Bucky smiled, “It’s a pepper shaker, and that is a salt shaker.” He pointed at them, when he noticed the crook of her arm, odd little dots covering it. He stared for a moment, before realizing that they’re scars, needle scars. When she noticed him staring, she quickly put her hand over her arm. 

He felt a twinge of guilt as she put her sweater on over her tank top. “I’m sorry...I didn’t mean to stare.” Bucky reached for her hand but she pulled it away, “I have scars too, we all do. It’s nothing to be ashamed of…”

After a moment, she took in a deep breathe, “I stare at them a lot...because I don’t know where they came from.” Bucky felt like he was supposed to say something to that...but couldn’t. What do you even say to that? She began to fidget with the ends of her sleeves, not looking at him, “I don’t remember much of anything, really…”

“Doll…”

“Doll?” She looked up at him quickly. 

His mouth hung open for a moment, “Um…”

“Like a toy?”

Oh...no. He shouldn’t have called her that, and he quickly realized that as her eyes began to well with tears. “No, no. I’m sorry. It’s okay...I didn’t mean it like that-”

“I’m not upset...I-I don’t know whats…” She took in a breath and looked up at him, “I don’t know what's wrong.”

Bucky hesitantly put his hand on her shoulder, holding her still, “That’s okay.” 

“Can...I don’t…” She glanced down, “Something...weird happened, earlier.”

“Okay? What is it?”

She shifted uncomfortably, “I think something's wrong, but I...I don’t know...I’m bleeding.” 

Bucky imminently knew what she meant, “Okay, that’s normal, for women.” 

“It is?”

“Yes!” He quickly responded “I have to call Cho.” 

After what felt like forever, Cho and Y/N came out of the bathroom, Cho smiling and Y/N looking a bit uncomfortable. Bucky glanced at Steve, who was smiling at Y/N, “How’re you doing?” 

She shrugged and looked at the ground, “Weird.”

“I showed her what to do, and soon enough, we’ll work our way from pads and to tampons...this is new to her. If she has any questions you can’t answer, just call me.” 

Cho left, leaving the three to stand there uncomfortably. After a minute or so of silence, she looked up at them and clenched her fist, “My stomach hurts.” 

Steve nodded, “Yeah, cramps, those are normal…”

She raised her eyebrows at him and then looked at Bucky, “I’m sorry.”

“Why?” 

“For getting sad earlier, Cho said that it affects my mood and stuff, but I don’t know why that word made me so upset.”

“What word?” Steve demanded looking at Bucky. 

Bucky looked at her anxiously, “He called me Doll.” She said, her eyes glazed over with an anxious expression like she was going to cry again. 

“And it made you cry?” 

“Yeah…” She then glanced at the door, “May I be left alone?” The boys agreed and left her room, closing the door behind them. Steve and Bucky walked to the living room, silently waiting for one of the two to speak. 

Bucky stopped, “What are we doing?”

“What?”

“About her. With her. Do we have some kind of endgame here?” Steve stared at Bucky, the expression on his face made Bucky wonder if he had grown a second head or something. “Am I crazy for asking that or something?” 

“No, no, it’s just...you’re right, what reasons do we have here?” 

“Is she our prisoner?” 

She pulled her ear from the door and knew she heard enough. Something inside of her told her what Steve’s answer was, without her needing to hear it. Her instincts kicked in quickly, and as if someone wrote out a list for her, she began to do actions that she wasn’t completely in control over. 

Y/N entered the bathroom and grabbed the box of pads Cho given her, and put them on her bed, she entered the closet and found a black backpack, she didn’t know why it was there until she opened it, inside was various weapons. Everything about the backpack told her two things. Bucky put it there. And Steve didn’t know about it. 

She began to dress in warm, casual clothing. A disguise. She put extra clothing in the backpack and the pads. That night, Steve put her to bed, not noticing that she was planning to leave, everything about her demeanor told him that everything was normal. After an hour, she knew both Steve and Bucky would be asleep, so she snuck into the kitchen and packed food into the bag, and then the most vital tools she would need. 

Hesitantly and nervously, she entered Steve’s room but was shocked to find it empty. Worried, she left it and began to snoop around the house for him, finally, she peeked into Bucky’s bedroom, to find them asleep in his bed. No questions about it came to her as she went into Steve’s room and rummaged through it, finding his wallet, she took out two items. His credit card, and his keycard to the tower. 

Y/N took in a deep breath and entered the elevator. When they opened again, she began to make her way to the hospice, looking for something she wasn’t sure of. When she entered, she discovered a light coming from the window of a private room, with caution, she approached and looked in, there were many doctors, and a man sat in the center of them on a bed. She recognized one of the doctors as Cho, another at Bruce Banner, and the man in the middle as Tony Stark. 

Tony sat on the medical bed with his shirt off, exposing the arc reactor in his chest, a voice in her head rang off. 

‘Iron Man’s weakness is his heart.’

Papa, she pulled herself away from the door and walked to Cho’s office, picking the lock with a kit Bucky put in the backpack and began to quiet search the office for her file. When footsteps began approaching, she panicked and hid under the desk, hoping that whoever it was wouldn’t sit there. 

“And how is that going?” A man’s voice asked. 

“It’s been well, she’s doing really well. We’re making a lot of progress.” Cho responded. 

She clenched her fist and closed her eyes, hoping that she wouldn’t have to fight her way out here, not with Cho. 

“That’s really good, I’m happy for you.” 

She flinched when Cho walked past the desk and to a file cabinet that sat behind it, she opened the top drawer and began to search through it. Silence fell for a moment, and she began to shake with anxiety. 

“Here it is! Anthony Stark’s file! I can’t believe I forgot it,” Cho laughed and began to walk away, Y/N let of her breath as soon as she heard the door to the office close. After about ten minutes of waiting, she got out from under the desk and got into the cabinet that Cho got into. After only a few seconds, she found her file and shoved it into her backpack. 

After that, she quickly left the hospice and with the use of the keycard, got into the garage, inside were many fancies, expensive cars. Next to the door was hanging keys, and she just grabbed one, finding the car to it using the starter button, she left. 

It was quite simple, she didn’t know how she was going to feel as she pulled out of the tower garage and out the gates into the streets of New York, but she did, and felt nothing, it wasn’t like ripping off a bandaid, it wasn’t much of anything.


	10. Chapter Ten

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so, so, so sorry for the long wait, life stuff happened! i also wanted to address that there is a bit of an error in the last chapter that is inconsistent story-wise (thank you to the person who pointed that out to me lol) i do plan to fix any mistakes i made when i'm finished writing this! anyway, i hope you enjoy the chapter :)

Y/N sat on the ground looking out the window, her coloring book sat open in front of her, but she had not colored in it. Bucky approached and looked at her in wonder, he wanted to know so desperately the thoughts that ran through her mind.

“Hey cutie, whatcha up to?” He asked, crouching down next to her.

“Coloring,” Her response was practiced, he knew that. He and Steve began to learn that she will say what they want to hear for her to be left alone. It concerns him that she wants to be isolated all the time.

Bucky sat down next to her, and after a few minutes of just sitting there, it was obvious that she was uncomfortable with him just sitting there.

“What are you doing?” She asked, side-eyeing him and scooching away from him so her back wasn’t turned to him as much as it was. Defensive, but subtle about it, Bucky wouldn’t have noticed if he wasn’t directly looking for it.

“Am I not allowed to sit with my favorite girl?”

Her eyebrows came together and she stared at him, he wished he had chosen his words a little more carefully, she can see through him just as easily as he can see through her. “What do you want?” It wasn’t demanding or angry, but rather a completely innocent question, but she stopped making eye contact and looked out the window again.

“I-I don’t want anything, I guess I’m just a little worried about you...you’ve been quiet today.”

“I’m thinking about papa.”

Bucky felt tense. “Why?”

She sighed and put her chin on her knee, she wasn’t ignoring the question, Bucky knew that she was finding the right answer. “I want to believe he’s worried about me.”

Her word choice. Bucky was trying to find a response to that but fell short.

“I want to believe that he’s looking for me, that he’s panicked. Any father would be scared half to death if his daughter just upped and disappeared, right?”

A dark, looming thought approached Bucky.

Had...had they indirectly kidnapped her? No...she can leave whenever she wants. But that’s a lie, she’s being held there because she’s dangerous. So she’s more like a prisoner. Bucky shuttered in disgust.

“I don’t-”

“You don’t think that mine would be…”

“No-”

“It’s okay. I can’t avoid it forever.” She glanced at him then back at the window. “I wish I could just ignore it all, pretend that I wasn’t...the Daugther of the Hyrda, but I am. I just...I don’t know what it means,”

Bucky didn’t either.

“What do you want?” She asked again, but this time, Bucky knew what the question had meant. What does he want for the rest of his life? What does he want out of her in the long run?

Bucky stammered for a moment, “I want you to be happy-”

“That’s bullshit!” She snapped, looking back at him, “I-” She made a face of frustration, “I refuse to believe that you just want me to be happy...you want something more, or maybe Steve does or...Lou or Cho or who the fuck ever.” Bucky flinched at the curse from her. A slap in the face reminder that she isn’t a little girl, that she is…her own person. You would think that would have been obvious to him, but she relied so much on everyone around her, and put up this facade of...innocent, sick, helpless little girl, it was easy to forget that this woman has not only killed but got close to killing Steve. Steve fucking Rogers.

“Why am I here? Why do I have to sit in this apartment all day long, and look out the window, wondering if my life will ever be anything more than this?”

“You want to be free…” Bucky whispered, she let out an angry breath and leaned back into the window, placing her head on it and looking up. “What...what will you do? If you were to just...walk out of here?”

She was silent for a long time, and Bucky grew worried that she decided not to answer the question, and when he decided that she had, “I would figure out what happened to my mother.”  
That made Bucky freeze, he held his breath, and worried that his imagination had made up her response. “Your-” He felt his eyes begin to dry, “Your mother?”

“I don’t picture a face...you know?” She glanced at him, and based off the look in his eyes, decided that he didn’t. “Her name was Veronica Elizabeth, and she was American...she taught me an English song when I was young, London Bridge. I don’t...I don’t remember any more than that.” A smile of guilt played on her lips, and tears found themselves in her eyes.

Silence remained for a while, but it wasn’t strained or tense, it was calm and cathartic.

“Y/N...If I help you find out what happened to your mom…” She looked at Bucky, making eye contact with him, “What-what will happen?”

“What do you mean?”

“I know it’s stupid to ask if it would make you happy, but would it...would it help?”

“I don’t know...I want to say. I think it would give me more than what anything else possibly could.”

Bucky made breakfast, and when he finished with it, though it weird that Y/N hadn’t left her room yet, normally, she would smell the breakfast and come out to eat. That is unless she’s having a bad day. He gently knocked on her door, and waited for a response, after a few moments, he slowly and carefully opened the door.

When he discovered that she wasn’t in her bedroom he knocked on the bathroom door, as he did all of these small tedious actions, anxiety crawled up his spine and began to whisper thoughts of panic into his ear.

Bucky felt his shoulders drop in shock when he discovered that she wasn’t in her bedroom at all, he quickly ran to his cell phone to call Steve but stopped himself when Steve came into the room, a scowl on his face. “Steve-”

“Have you seen my keycard?”

“Y/N’s gone.”

“What?”

“She’s gone, like not here, in the apartment...some of her things are gone, her clothes, she took a bag of my weapons-”

“Bucky…” Steve held up his wallet, “My keycard and credit card are gone…”

“Tony is going to be furious.”

Mission. Kill Steve Rogers. Black Coffee. Bring Hydra their Winter Soldier. Do it for Papa. Papa. Red Eyes. White Hair.

She sat in the car, sitting in a parking garage, eating fast food. She plans on abandoning the car, now that she knows the tower is awake and likely looking for her. If they haven’t tracked the car already. It surprised her that no one was alerted when she left the garage with it. Tony has to have something like that in place.

Carefully, she got out and sighed, she held up the gun in her hand and aimed it at the car, shooting it until she ran out of bullets.

After that, she walked out of the parking garage, and began down the street, avoiding cameras and the attention of people. After walking for almost an hour, she arrived at her destination, with this, she also took Steve’s credit card and threw it into a public trash bin, the garbage truck coming right for it.

Sheepishly, she pressed the buzzer to the marked apartment.

“Eh?”

She spoke in Russian, “It’s sister, ready for a funeral?” Imminently, the man on the other end buzzed her in and she quickly made her way to the apartment. When she got to it, the man was stood in the hallway in front of the door.

“What happened to you?” She froze, right before entering the apartment.

“You haven’t been authorized to speak to me.”

He stared at her, two emotions flashed his eyes. Confusion and panic.

“You’re not a spy, are you?”

As he stammered to answer, she knew she had fallen into a trap. So, she took one step back and reached up to the man, she was careful about this action, to not tip him off. She placed her hand on his cheek, and slowly, her hand moved to his throat, and in a swift motion pinned him to the wall.

The man struggled and gagged to get away from her. He had not a clue of her strength, he fought hard to get away from her, but not even the full force of his nails digging into her hand and arm could get her to flinch.

To his surprise, she let go of him and glanced behind her, and he quickly knew that she must have heard his fellow SHIELD agents coming up the staircase. He dropped to the ground, and watched as she ran very fast down the hall, and threw herself out the window at the end of the hall.

“No!” Someone shouted, trying to chase after her, they were on the seventh floor. Surely her plan wasn’t to injure herself, at least.

She wanted to flinch as she got closer and closer to the ground, but she knew better than to do that. She landed, and with a roll, kept her momentum, on her feet again, it was as if she never stopped running.

Bucky sat at the top of a building, ready with a rifle and tranquilizers, they had set her up to run where his shot would be, he chanted in his mind that he wouldn’t miss. Nat and Steve both waited from different points of attack, waiting for her to run by. But as they waited, they got a frantic message over their radios.

“She changed route! She! Changed! Route!” Quickly, the three sprung up.

“Location?” Steve asked frantically, carefully listening for an answer, but the one he got was not one he was expecting. Suddenly, his vision was blurred and a sharp pain formed in the back of his head. He groaned and opened his eyes, to see her standing over him, “Y/N?” doing his best, Steve tried to get up, but knew when he saw the metal pipe in her hand, that he wasn’t getting up any time soon.

She crouched down, looking at him, he felt her fingers lightly touch him on his forehead, and her voice was so quiet under the ringing of his ears, “You should have just left it alone...Steve.” The way his name sounded coming from her made his stomach twist, but not because she said it crudely, but lovingly. “Now, I have to do this.” He feared she was going to do something to harm him further, or even kill him, but rather, surprisingly, she just grabbed his shield and walked out of his eyesight.

When Steve woke up, he was surrounded by a medic team, trying to get him on a gurney, beside him sat Bucky, and standing a little ways away is Nat.

“What happened?” Steve asked, groaning as he was lifted, Bucky quickly giving Steve all his attention.

Bucky hesitated, “You got knocked out.”

“I know.” Steve rolled his eyes, causing his head to pound a little more.

“She left the pipe...but she took the shield.”

Steve knew that “Did we catch her?” Bucky’s silence answered the question. “Any clue where she is, or what she’s doing?” Again, Bucky stayed silent.

After an overnight stay, Steve was able to leave the hospital, and when he got into the apartment, he found Tony, Bruce, and Bucky sitting on the kitchen table having a discussion. Tony smiled at him, Bruce wrote something down on a notepad, while Bucky stays completely still, not even looking up at Steve.

“How’re you?” Tony asked, taking Steve’s hand in his own, as a greeting that was similar to a handshake, but more personal.

Steve shrugged, not caring about how he is, or about the question, “What’re we discussing?”

“We’re more or less interrogating this poor soul.” Bruce attended, gesturing to Bucky, his words got an annoyed reaction from Tony.

Tony quickly spoke up, standing as Steve walked around the table, as he walked by Bucky, he cupped his hand around Bucky’s neck, and squeezed the sides of his slightly. Bucky instantly moved his eyes to Steve, not knowing what Steve was trying to communicate with the action.

Bucky watched as Steve walked to the fridge, “We are not interrogating him!” Tony began, “We’re just asking questions about Y/N.” Both Bucky and Steve were a little surprised they called her by her name. Not just Her.

“She said something to me...before she took the shield,” Steve said in a casual tone as he took a drink of the water he poured for himself. Steve smiled to himself as Tony looked even more flabbergasted than he did (if possible), Bucky stared in wait, while Bruce seemed to be ready to write down whatever it is Steve had to say to them, “Do you want to know what she said?”

Tony smiled, “No, actually, you keep that vital information to yourself, Steven.”

Steve playfully rolled his eyes and looked at Bucky, who looked even more anxious than before. “She goes...the way she said it was completely calm too, she wasn’t emotionless, but she wasn’t upset either,” The three don’t respond, waiting for i for Steve to just tell them already, “She says, ‘you should have just left it alone.’ Then she was quiet for a few seconds, before she says, ‘now I have to do this.’” He didn’t know why, but he refused to say his name the same way she said it, so he left it out completely.

“You should have just left it alone?” Bruce wonders as he looks at Tony, who looked like he was in deep thought.

“She said it?” Bucky asked quietly, not looking at anyone as he spoke.

“It?” Steve then quickly knew what he meant.

“She said, ‘you should have left it alone,’ not ‘you should have left me alone.’”

“What's the difference?” Tony says, “Means the same thing, in the context, doesn’t it?” He glances at Bruce.

Bruce shrugs slightly and shakes his head, “I mean, sure...but if she wants it to mean something different than it does.”

“So what does It mean?” Tony asked, looking between Steve and Bucky. Steve quickly looks at Bucky, who was looking at no one, thinking.

Steve moved slowly, sitting down next to Bucky, “Buck?” He watched as Bucky’s hands clenched tightly, completely out of nerves. “Is there something you’re not telling me?”

Bucky stayed completely silent for a while, so long that Steve went to say something again, “Well...I’m gonna be honest, it didn’t seem all that important until now.”

“Okay?”

“She and I were talking one day, and I asked her…” He sighed, “I asked her what she would do if she was out in the world, not here, but also not at Hydra.” He expected someone to say okay or hum a response, but the other three fell silent, “She told me that she would find out what happened to her mother.” There was more to their conversation, but to him, that’s all that mattered. What she said and felt...they didn’t need to know, no one does, it’s not their place, it wasn’t even Bucky’s.

“Her mother…” Tony’s voice alone told them he was distant from this conversation in his mind, thinking about his mother, he forced himself to not look at Bucky.

“Um…” Bucky thought quickly and quiet, “Veronica Elizabeth.” It came to him like a slap in the face, “That’s her mom’s name, her first and middle, I think.”

Bruce looked at Tony like he was expecting Tony to do something, Tony noticed, “What?” Steve stood up and walked out of the room quickly, he was pretty much ignored though, “You want me to do something about it? Her mom’s probably dead, if she had a baby with Vikram Y/L/N then hell yes, that woman is dead.” Steve came back in holding a book.

Steve then suddenly slammed the book down on the table, “Look at the name of the author.”

V.E. Y/L/N

“Holy...shit…” Bucky whispered, looking at Steve, “What is this book about?”

“A woman who is kidnapped by a man, and forced to have his baby, and when the baby is a year old, he takes off with it in the middle of the night, and the woman journey to find her kid.”

“You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me,” Tony said while rolling his eyes.


	11. Chapter Eleven

Veronica “Ronnie” Elizabeth Wyatt disappeared in 1987, December 3rd from the Boston area in New York, when she was only, seventeen-years-old, the case was cold for three years, until her body was found in the New York Harbor. 

It is believed she was only in the harbor for no less than twelve hours before her body was discovered, and she had only been dead for less than twenty-four. Where Wyatt had been for the three years before her death, is still unclear. 

When she has examined by coroners, they said that in her system was cocaine and LSD, causing theorist to believe that she may have been part of the alleged discontinued MKUltra. Her official ruling of death was asphyxiation and was neither ruled homicide or accident, but unknown.

Y/N sat back in her seat at the library and sighed, trying so hard to fight off the tears that were coming. Her mother’s dead…

A twitch came to her left eye and her hands began to shake. All she had or thought she had, were gone. With a sniff, she looked back at the article. 

Wyatt was orphaned at a young age, and has no living family members, if it wasn’t for her fingertips, she would have have been properly identified. At the time of her disappearance, Wyatt was a sex-worker who had recently dropped out of school, her friends on the streets said that she was a bright, loving girl, who would do her best to cheer everyone around her up. 

It is not believed that Wyatt was murdered by a serial killer, no serial killers at the time were active with this particular MO. 

Tony and Steve waited outside the door to the apartment of the woman they were visiting. When the door opened, they were greeted with a teenage girl, an annoyed look on her face, “Mom!” She yelled, her mother, a youngish woman with long dark hair came to the door. 

“Oh my god,” She gasped, “You’re-”

“Yeah,” Tony cut her off, “We are. Um..we have a few questions for you, Veronica.”

The woman chuckled, “My name isn’t Veronica, my name is Victoria.” 

“Oh.” Tony smiled sweetly at her, “My mistake, may we come in.” 

Victoria sat them down at her table, her daughter sat on the sofa not far from them, playing a loud game on her phone, “There were questions we wanted to ask…” Steve began, then putting the book on the table, “About your book.” 

The woman’s face told them both that there was likely a mistake, “Okay? I just...I don’t see what Tony Stark and Steve Rogers would want to do with this, why do my fictional novels interest the likes of you?” 

“Fictional?”

“Yeah…”

“I’m sorry, but what does the V.E. stand for?” 

“Victoria Evalyn, my first and middle names, then Y/L/N is the name I married into when I wrote this, I’ve changed my pen name since this was published.” 

Tony and Steve walked to the car, “That was pointless.” Tony muttered. 

“We could have just Googled her…” Steve pointed out. 

“I-” Tony stammered, “I didn’t think about that.” 

“How did you not think of it!”

“I don’t know!” 

Bucky walked through the empty street, up the abandoned apartment building. He sighed, tucking his hands in his pockets and entering the building through the door that was left slightly ajar. Bucky wandered for a while, before coming across an apartment that seemed to have been living in. The one he was looking for. 

With a deep breath, Bucky picked up the shield she stole and looked over it. Why did she take it?

“James.” Her voice made him quickly turn and look at the door, she was completely blank-faced, “Go away.” 

“What are you doing?” 

She didn’t answer, just walking into the kitchen of the small apartment and climbing onto the counter, sitting there and watching him. “What are you doing?” She mocked. 

“I want to bring you back, but you won’t let that happen, will you?”

She smiled at Bucky, “At least you know.”

“Know what?”

“That I can kick your ass.”

Her answer made Bucky smile at her, “We just want to help you…”

Bucky instantly regretted saying that, her face dropped completely, she looked at the shield, staring at it, “You came alone.” He looked at her confused, “You said we, and yet you came along.”

“Steve wouldn’t-”

“You don’t answer to Steve,”

“I don’t answer to anyone.”

“Is that so?” She smiled, “I know the words...you know. The words in the red book.” Tension crawled up Bucky’s back and he clenched his fist. “I was told what to do, and how to do it. Take Captain America out by his legs, say the words in the red book, Winter will help, Iron Man’s weakness is his heart, Hulk can be easily manipulated, Thor can be tricked, and Natasha can be fought off if I try hard enough.” She smiled, the smile was weird though, it wasn’t happy by any means, but it was like a mask, she was pretending this topic didn’t make her want to cry. 

“Y/N...papa is a bad man.”

“He murdered my mother after I was born, asphyxiation. I know he’s bad, I’m not stupid. I’ve always known, but what do I do. He’s out there-he’s going to find me if I don’t find him first-” She then looked down and put her fingers to her mouth. 

“Don’t.”

“You can’t stop I might even make you help me.” 

Bucky clenched his jaw, “You won’t.”

“Won’t I though?” 

“I want to believe you’re good enough not to.”

She frowned at him, chewing the inside of her cheek, “You think I’m good?”

“Yes.”

“Do you think that you are good?” Bucky didn’t answer, he just looked at his metal hand. “You said that you remember all of them, every single one. How do you sleep at night, I wondered. Then I wondered, how do I sleep at night.” She didn’t look at him as she spoke, it was obvious to Bucky that she was on the verge of tears, “The answer was...I don’t. I remember things that I can’t remember.” She paused, “That doesn’t make sense...but I don’t know how to say it in English...it’s a feeling that I’m bad and that I have regrets, but I have no idea what it is that I regret.” 

“You know you’ve killed.” 

“Yes, but I don’t see faces, I don’t see people, I see…” She took in a deep breath, “Papa.” The tone in her voice told Bucky that she was breaking down, she was almost crying. Bucky knew that if he got her vulnerable, she would come with him.

“Do you want your papa dead?”

She went to answer but stopped herself. She looked like she was focusing on something, Bucky then began to focus as well, but he wasn’t sure what on. When he heard the sound of footsteps. He quickly looked at her, only to be met with her staring at him like she was trying to kill him with her eyes. 

“Y/N, no…” He put his hand out, trying to calm her down. Bucky watched as she grabbed a gun from behind her, a completely blank look on her face, her eyes glazed over. She raised the gun at Bucky, who tightened his grip on the shield. “Y/N.”

“Bucky, just let me leave. I don’t want to hurt anyone, not you.” 

“You hurt Steve.”

“What choice did I have? You sent…” She made a face of pure rage, then let out an exasperated breath. “He was okay, I just wanted to take it.” She looked at the shield, “He was okay.” She repeated. 

“Y/N?” She quickly pointed at the doorway and standing there is Steve. Speak of the devil, and he shall appear. He quickly put his hands up, showing her that he wasn’t a threat. 

“You said you came alone, James.”

“I did,” Bucky said through gritted teeth, staring at Steve. 

“We just want you to be safe, baby girl, we don’t want you to feel bad anymore.” Steve quickly shut his mouth when he heard the gun click, all she has to do now is pull the trigger. 

“You’re a lot like him, Steve.” She smiled at him, the mask is put back on, “Like papa, you talk like him, you don’t say my name.” 

“Y/N.”

She giggled, “This doesn’t feel good, she dropped the gun, looking at it, “I thought for so long that it was supposed to make me feel powerful, but I just feel…”

“It makes you feel sad, guilty…” Bucky says, “You don’t have to feel that way, not ever again, we promise.”

“We.” She got off the counter and began to walk towards Bucky, “Say we again, and I might just shoot you.”

“You don’t like we?” 

“I didn’t say that it’s just that...Steve seems to talk through you.” Steve watched her carefully as she placed the gun in her waistband, and her hand grabs Bucky’s wrist, the other grabbing the shield and as he let her take it, Steve quickly knew what she was doing. 

“Buck-” She then grabbed the gun and shot purposefully at the wall in the direction of Steve, to ensure that Bucky would look at Steve and so she could take the shield and run. 

“Y/N! No!” Bucky ran after her, but quickly hesitated as she threw herself out the window when he looked out, she had landed on her feet and ran down the empty street. 

The sun was beginning to go down, and they knew that when the sun was gone, she would be to. So the chase ensued. 

Bucky and Steve decided not to take the same route as her, knowing they wouldn’t stick the same landing as her. They split up, and Steve called in Tony and Natasha, knowing they would need the help. 

Tony flew over the area, “I don’t see her, look inside of the buildings.” 

“Go for places with a low population, she doesn’t want to be spotted, not by anyone,” Natasha responded.

Bucky went against what Natasha said and went into a very busy mall, as he searched, he thought he saw her multiple times when he would remember that she has the shield, how could she hide that?

“Why do you think she wants the shield so bad?” Bucky asked. 

The response he got was a hesitant answer from Natasha, “Well...if she wants to prove Steve Rogers dead without actually killing him...how would she do that?” 

“Give her father Steve Rogers’ most prized possession,” Tony answered. 

“The shield is not my most prized possession, but all right.” 

“You see what her plan is-” Bucky was cut off. 

Tony was the one to interrupt, “Guys, I got her on the roof of the mall.” 

With that, the four quickly went to the roof of the mall but were met with a completely calm girl and a distraught Pepper Potts. Who must have been shopping inside the mall...but how did she know that? Or did she not...

“Pepper!” Tony barked, bringing up the mask. 

“Y/N, don’t do anything you’re gonna regret.” 

Pepper stood next to her, Y/N has a tight grip on Pepper’s wrist, but other than that, she had no weapon drawn on Pepper, she was just holding her there. 

“She won’t hurt her, Tony,” Steve said, taking a step forward. 

“You don’t know that.”

“Yes, he does.” Y/N said, “I don’t want to hurt her, I just wanted your attention, I’m not even holding onto her tight enough to hurt her, but just enough to scare her.” She then let go of Pepper’s arm, “Leave it be, Rogers.”

“It, what is it, what do you want me to leave alone?” 

She looked at Pepper and Tony, who quickly hugged, Tony got out the suit. “Just...me. Let me have the shield long enough to convince him, so I can get to him.”

“You’re gonna kill him.” Natasha almost laughed, “You’re gonna kill Vikram Y/L/N…” Natasha stared at her, “Does doesn’t know, does she?” 

“Know?”

“Do they not know?” Natasha asked Tony. 

Tony stared at her, confused as well. 

“The day we took her in, we also successfully arrested her father, Vikram Y/L/N.” 

Her heart dropped to the pit of her stomach, all that time, he was in the same building as her. When she first got there, they were talking about another patient...and it was him, it was him all along. Because of course, it was. 

Before she knew it, her knees had buckled and Steve was quick to catch her.


	12. Chapter Twelve

“I want to see him.”

“No-”

“Please!” 

“Y/N-”

“He doesn’t have to see me!” She screamed, tears filling her eyes as she looked down, “I just...I need to, I promise, I won’t do anything. I just…” 

Steve looked at Bucky, who stared at her. Cho finished checking her vitals, “Y/N stay here please, I need to speak with Bucky and Steve.” The girl didn’t respond as they exited the private room. “You can’t let her see him.” 

Steve sighed and Bucky stayed completely silent, “I know, we know. We...we won’t let her.” 

“I’m serious, Steve. We’ll have to bring Lou in to evaluate her again...maybe...I don’t know...she tricked us.” Steve’s eyes moved from Cho to Bucky, who began walking down the hall, pacing back and forth, running his hands through his hair. “If she sees him...I don’t know what it could trigger in her, but it could be really bad.”   
Steve nodded, “I understand, when will Lou be here?” 

“Any minute, I have to run, but I’ll be back with her.” 

Cho walked away and Steve walked to Bucky, leaning on the wall near him and watching him. “What’s on your mind?” 

“I don’t know what to do…” Steve stayed quiet at Bucky’s answer, telling Bucky to continue, “She didn’t hurt anybody.”

“Um-”

“She knew she wouldn’t cause real damage...she had to prove to her father that you were dead, then her mission would be complete. She has to finish it in her mind, right?”

“Ugh, sure.” 

“So...if you lie enough, you begin to believe it’s the truth, that was her angle. She needed to change her truth, she needed to not be our prisoner anymore, but his, because that’s normalcy to her. We once asked, what normal, what happy was to her, but how could she possibly know without ever having it.”

“What are you trying to get at, Bucky?” 

“What if...she sees her father is a prisoner, locked up, can never touch her again...and it just so happens to do more good than bad.”

“Or she sees that, and goes into soldier mode to bust him out.” 

“We just...we…”

“We fight her off? She can take us, and she’ll kick our asses.” Bucky sighed and leaned on the wall across from Steve, “Why do you want to give her this? Her father?” 

“Because...if I give her what she wants...she might be happy. And I know, I know! That won’t work...but there has to be a way, some way to her heart, to get her to be…”

“Be…?”

Bucky just stared, then shrugged, “I don’t know. Whatever it is that she wants to be.”

“She doesn’t want to be anything, though, that’s the problem. She’s never been allowed to be what she’s wanted, so she doesn’t know how.” The look on Bucky’s face made Steve regret what he had said, “I’m sorry, I should, I should have a little optimism. I guess-I don’t know.” Bucky didn’t respond still. “Buck…”

“I didn’t think you’d give up so easily...I mean, I know she kicked your ass, but so did I.” 

“You saved me-”

“And she wouldn’t?”

“I don’t know what she would do! That why I have a hard time trusting her, Bucky, she is unpredictable, I can’t trust that, for the…” Steve exasperated, “For the love of god Bucky, I have no history with her, you and she are not the same. Is that really how you see it?”

“Yes, it is.” 

“Boys? Is this a bad time?” Lou asked approaching, a smile on her face, a little ways behind her walked Cho on her phone. 

“No, no, Lou. Great time.”

“You know I use to specialize in couples therapy if you’re ever interested.” 

Steve and Bucky didn’t know what to say to that. “Um,” Steve looked at the door to Y/N’s room, “We should focus on her first, I think.”

Lou smiled and shook her head a little, “All right,” Her cheery voice was incredibly offputting to the boys, who followed her in, Cho got off her phone and quickly followed as well. 

“Hi, Y/N, how are we?” Lou asked, taking a seat near the girl sat on the hospital bed. 

“Fine.”

“Can you define fine for me?” Lou asked politely. 

“Neutral.” 

“Okay, I understand that you did something that you maybe shouldn’t have…” 

With that Y/N looked at the ground, her demeanor completely changing from neutral to timid. Lou then smiled, “You want to know the great thing about therapy?” 

She looked up with that, waiting for Lou to say what. 

“Is that, we don’t have to talk about things we don’t want to all the time, how about we give it a little bit before we talk about it, okay?”

Y/N nodded and looked up at Lou, her eyes moving to Bucky, who was staring at her with desperate eyes. “Lou, I want to see my papa.” 

Lou blinked, but her smile never faded, “Okay? Why?”

“I just, I feel like I have to like if I don’t, I won’t be able to...walk forward.” 

“When you say walk forward, do you mean, move on?” 

“Yes.” 

Lou looked at Bucky and Steve, “I’m sorry, honey, but I don’t think anyone wants that for you, they’re worried about your reaction,” 

“I know.” She then quickly avoided everyone’s eyes. 

“But...what do you think you’re reaction will be?” 

Y/N stayed quiet for a long time, thinking very carefully about her answer, “I...I can’t say for sure, but I know that I would be upset, I would get sad and angry, but when I get sad and angry, I don’t act out...I shut down. I only act out when I’m afraid...I’m.” She stopped herself, realizing what she was about to say. The four in the room quickly realized the panic was gazing over her eyes. 

“Doll…” Bucky put his hand up as he took a step forward. “You’re okay.” 

But she didn’t do what they thought she was going to do, she took in a deep breath, and stared at nothing, “I’m not afraid.” She choked out, “I am not afraid of him.” The way her voice wavered, and cracked, it took all of her to say it, it took every bit of her energy and will to speak the words she was trained all her life to never think or feel. “And I want to tell him that, I want to say to him, I am not afraid of you.”

Lou nodded her head and smiled, “No, you’re not.” 

Y/N smiled widely and looked at Steve, who was staring at her in shock. He felt a twist in his stomach at the look on her face. She was real, genuine, and what she said, she meant. There was no act or persona she was holding up, the walls her completely dropped and she had made progress, and he doubted that. 

Bucky almost felt faint at her words, how she got to this conclusion, he didn’t know, and he may not ever know. But he didn’t care, because there she is. The girl he’s wanted all along, the girl he knew was inside, she was real, he didn’t make her up. There she sits, he could just reach out and touch her.


	13. Chapter Thirteen

Steve sighed, “Okay, you just get to see him, and he won’t be able to see you, okay? He won’t be able to hear or see you.” He wanted to put his hand on her shoulder but didn’t. 

Her head finally nodded slightly, Steve then looked at Bucky who made no reaction other than approaching the door and taking a deep breath as he pulled the heavy metal door open, Steve hesitated as she walked forward. 

As soon as her foot entered the room, Bucky and Steve jumped to follow her. 

The room is small, gray, cold, with a single-window into a room. 

Slowly she just stared at the window, on the other side an interrogation room. No one sat at the table, yet. 

“He’ll be here in a minute, are you sure you can do this?” Steve spoke softy. 

She just didn’t react. Staring. It was obvious that a million thoughts were crowding her head, the boys just wished they knew what. When the door to the interrogation room opened, she seemed to flinch. 

Vikram was hard to miss. Pale, milky skin, deep red eyes, and messy, overgrown white hair. Steve and Bucky almost forgot about the girl with them at the sight of the man. He looked annoyed and disgruntled as the agents sat him down to talk to him. 

Bucky naturally shifted to be closer to Y/N, expecting her to do something drastic. Rather, she just took small, timid steps closer to the glass, and carefully placed her hand on the glass, like she was reaching out to him. 

For a moment, she stayed that way, just staring at him, her hand on the glass. “Papa…” She whispered before she looked over at Steve, “He’s sick.”

Steve was imminently confused by what she meant, “What?” 

“Papa’s sick, look at him, he’s unwell.” 

Steve didn’t know what to say, “Okay-” Bucky quickly said, “We’ll make sure he sees a doctor, to get better.” 

Y/N nodded and took a step back, “That’s all I needed. Just to see him.” She shook her head, a no. Bucky and Steve took note of the action, who was she telling no? 

Steve entered her room to tell her dinner was finished but felt panicked when he couldn’t find her. Frantic, Steve looked around her room, finally, he opened the bathroom door, and quickly jumped back at the sight of her in front of him. 

Y/N stood naked, about to step into the bathtub, “Oh!” She jumped and quickly reached for a hanging towel to hide her body. 

“I’m sorry!” He quickly said, beginning to close the door. 

“Steve,” Her small voice and wavering tone told him that something was wrong. 

“Yes?” He peeked, her body covered by a large fully white towel. “Everything okay?” 

“I...um…” She looked away from him, “It’s nothing, it’s okay.” 

“No, you can tell me, what is it?” 

Y/N hesitated, not looking at him, “I don’t know how.” 

“You don’t know how?” 

“The bath, I’ve never done it alone.” 

Steve nodded his head, “Okay, you get in, and I’ll be back in one minute.” He closed the door and exited her room, “Buck?” 

“Yeah, pal?” 

“Y/N’s getting ready for a bath okay? Just leave the heat on and we’ll eat when she’s done.” 

“You’re...gonna be in there with her?” 

“She asked-”

“I just, I mean, do you need any help?” 

“No, I don’t want to overwhelm her.” 

Bucky rolled his eyes, “Yeah, sure, whatever makes you feel better, bud.” 

Steve chuckled and ruffled Bucky’s hair. Returning to the bathroom, he found her sat in the water. He sighed and got on his knees in front of the tub, grabbing a pink bottle that read bubble bath and began to pour it into the water, and bubbles began to form. As they spread across the top of the water, her eyes watched. 

Y/N’s body began to loosen up, taking her knees away from her chest, and reaching her hand out to touch the suds. “What…” 

“They’re bubbles, they make the bath more fun.” 

To his disappointment, she didn’t respond. He just sighed and grabbed a washcloth to clean her with, “Who um...who did this for you before me?” 

“Cho.” She answered, watching Steve closely as he put body wash on the washcloth. 

“Do you want to try to do it yourself?” He asked, putting his hand out for her to take the white washcloth. 

For a moment, she stared at his hand, before hesitantly taking it. He quickly noticed her change in demeanor. She was timid before, she’s scared now. As she began to rub her arms and shoulders with the cloth. 

She looked up at him for a moment, before moving to wash her breast. When she finished with that, slowly, she looked at him. Steve quickly recognized the look in her eye. That poor girl feared Steve would hurt her if she touched her breast. He shuttered on the inside at the thought of what her father has possibly done to her. 

After a while, of her just washing her body, she got to her vagina, “Do...I don’t-” 

“No, no, just leave it. Okay? Soap can cause damage to it, make it hurt. It’ll keep itself clean. If you’re worried about it though, I can call Cho.” 

“It’s okay, I feel okay about it,” She took in a deep breath, “Hair now?” 

“Hair now,” Steve said with a nod as he grabbed the shampoo. 

“You do it.” She commanded him as she curled back up into a ball and just waited for him. Steve clenched his jaw and poured the shampoo into his hand. As he began to wash her hair, he quickly realized how corse and dry her hair is. 

“Did papa not wash your hair often?” 

“No, he saw it as a waste, unless I was visiting with men.” 

Steve’s heart dropped to the bottom of his stomach. As he began to finished with the shampoo, he looked at her face. “Do you miss him?” 

“Sometimes.” She answered honestly. Stockholm Syndrome. “He would do things for me if I was sad. He always told me that I should be happy, that he loved me, and that I loved him, and that’s all we ever needed each other’s love.” 

Steve grabbed the showerhead and brought it down to rinse her hair off. He waited though, for it to be okay because it felt wrong. It suddenly felt wrong to be in the same room as her, that no man should ever be allowed near her again. 

“Do you love him?” Steve wanted to bite his tongue. Why did he ask that? Where did he ever pull that question out of?

Her smile made him want to cry, “I do, I love him a lot. I know I shouldn’t.” 

“It’s okay, baby. It is. It’s not your fault that he has done this to you.” 

Steve and Y/N finished her bath in silence after that. Steve let her get dressed and they sat at the dining table to eat dinner. 

“Bucky?” She whispered like she was calling for him. 

“Buck!” Steve leaned back in his seat. Bucky came into the dining room quickly, he smiled at her and quickly sat down with her. 

“Hey dollface, how are you?” Bucky’s mood was a complete contrast to Y/N and Steve’s. He was chipper and excited. 

She looked up at him and just stared for a moment, “You’re happy?” 

“You’re back, of course, I’m happy.” 

His words clung to her like a parasite, but in a good way? If a parasite could be good. Bucky is happy that she is with him, and that made her feel warm.


	14. Chapter Fourteen

Bucky and Sam spared. Steve stood on the other side of the gym with his headphones in, punching the punching bag like it just stole his lunch money. 

Y/N sat on the floor near Bucky and Sam, watching them. “You’re rusty, Winter.” She said with a smile, Bucky rolled his eyes and glanced at her. 

Sam laughed, giving Bucky his perfect opportunity to kick his ass. In a swift movement, Sam went from laughing to groaning on the floor. “Clearly not rusty enough, I can kick birdbrain’s ass.” 

“C’mon man, it’s totally uneven. You have a metal arm.” 

“You could take me.” She smiled. 

Bucky turned to her with a confused look, “No, he couldn’t!” 

“I would let him.” 

Sam sighed, “I know you’re trying to make me feel better, but that doesn’t make me feel better.” She looked at him for a moment, with an emotionless face, “I would like to see you in action though.” 

With that, Y/N stood up and stared at Bucky. Who complied. Sam quickly moved off the matt to give them room. 

For too long, neither made the first move. Before she suddenly jumped onto him, wrapping her legs around his neck, and flipping him onto his back. With that, she sat on his chest and laughed. 

“Holy shit!” Sam shouted, laughing, “You’re tough.”

Bucky groaned and looked up at her, “Jeez, Doll, I’d think you’re mad at me.” 

She blushed, “I tried to go easy.” Suddenly, an odd feeling settled in her stomach. And she needed to get off him, quickly she stood and stepped away. 

Bucky noticed the odd behavior, “You all right?” He asked, standing up.

Y/N didn’t say anything, just nodded and avoided his eyes. She then began to walk in the direction of Steve, who quickly noticed her. 

“Hey,” He muttered, taking his headphones out, but continuing to go at the punching bag. “You bored yet?” 

“Not really,” 

“I can take you to the apartment if you want.” 

“It’s okay, I’m good here.” 

Steve slowly stopped punching as he watched her, she came closer to the row of punching bags hanging on the wall, running her hands over them. Steve then smiled, “Come here,” She hesitated, then walked to him, he grabbed some of his bandages and began to wrap them around her hands, she didn’t protest him but watched him carefully. “Okay, you’re gonna punch it as hard as you can, can you do that?” 

Y/N nodded her head slightly and focused on the brownish-green punching bag. Steve kept his hands firmly placed on her hips, keeping her in the proper footing. He heard her take in a deep breath, before swinging. 

He had to pull her out of the way of the bag swinging back at them. “Jesus Christ, you’ve got quite the punch on you, don’t you little lady?” Sam commented, approaching with two water bottles. 

Y/N smiled and blushed again, feeling a little embarrassed. Steve noticed, “Don’t like the attention?” 

“Are girls not suppose to be strong?” 

“Where’d you get that idea?” They all jumped at the sound of Natasha’s voice. There she stood in the doorway of the gym, smug smile and all. “Girls are supposed to be the strongest.” 

Y/N stared at Natasha, “That’s not what papa says.” 

“What does he know?” Nat raised her eyebrow, “Clearly not a whole lot.” 

Y/N stayed quiet, the two women staring at each other. “I guess you’re right.” 

Both Steve and Bucky released the tension in their spines. Natasha doesn’t even realize she walks on eggshells, does she?

“You’re hair is getting longer.” Nat pointed at Y/N before turning around and walking away. Steve looked at her, watching as she reached up to touch her hair. 

“Nat’s words clearly mean something to her,” Steve said, taking off his dirty sweats. 

Bucky didn’t respond, brushing his teeth. He spits, “Of course it does. Nat and she are a lot alike, and Nat is one of the only women she’s ever interacted, other than Lou and Cho.” 

“Should we have them hang out more?” 

Bucky didn’t answer, looking at Steve in the mirror. Steve just looked back. “Today, when we were sparing, and she knocked me over. Well, she landed on me, and she was like...sitting on the chest.” Steve stared at Bucky, clearly not knowing what Bucky was talking about. Telling Bucky that he wasn’t watching them during that. “Well, after a few seconds, she got all me super quick, and she had that look in her eyes that she gets when she thinks she’s done something wrong.” 

“Maybe she thought you’d be mad that she knocked you down.” 

Bucky had a feeling that wasn’t it, “Maybe.” 

Bucky laid in bed next to a sleeping Steve, not really thinking of much, just laying there. When he heard a sound from outside the door, fear, and panic quickly washing over him as she jumped up and pulled the door open. 

Outside of it, Y/N stood with a blanket wrapped around her. She stared at him for a moment, “Sorry, I was just...getting a blanket from the living room.” She didn’t make eye contact with him. 

“Are you okay?” 

“Yeah, just cold.” 

“Okay, go to bed.” He exited his room. 

“What are you doing?” 

“I’m gonna turn the heat on.” 

Y/N didn’t respond as she scurried to her room. 

Bucky was half asleep when he heard another noise when he got up, he didn’t see her in the hall, but decided to go to her room to check on her anyway. 

When he got to the door, he heard the faintest noise of the TV, he opened the door and was met with the light of her bedside lamp. He was a little shocked to see her awake, sitting in her bed, and looking entirely bored. 

“Doll?”

“Buck!” She jumped, grabbing the blanket to bring over herself, to hide. 

Bucky gave her a look of confusion, “Why aren’t you asleep?” 

She just shrugged, and looked away from him, looking at the large wall of windows. 

“Bad dreams?” 

“You have to sleep to have bad dreams.” 

Bucky sat down on her bed, and took notice of her tensing up, “Have you even tried to sleep?” Her lack of response told him no. “What’s wrong?” 

“Nothing.” 

“Something has to be wrong, you normally sleep like a rock.” Given that they do give her a sleeping medication. Speaking of which. Bucky looked at her nightstand and noticed that she hadn’t taken her nightly medication. Of course. “You didn’t take your meds.” 

“I forgot.” That was rehearsed. 

“Is this about earlier? Is it something Nat said? Or Sam? Or…” She looked at him, “Or is it about you knocking me down, ‘cause you’re not in trouble for that! I wasn’t mad about it, I swear. I wasn’t, I’m not.” 

“No, I never thought that. It’s just that, afterward, I got a weird feeling.” 

“Weird how?” Bucky noticed her shift, she moved closer to him, and faced her body toward him, but was looking down. She’s only his arm’s length away, but that’s not close enough. It never is. 

“I don’t know, I just, I never felt it before. My stomach did like, a flip, or like a wave...I don’t know. That’s stupid.” 

“No, no, I understand what you’re saying.” Bucky quickly assured her, wanting to reach out and touch her. 

Y/N sat silent for a moment, “My limbs felt heavy like gravity was mad at me.” Bucky smiled, she doesn’t even realize how much her words resonate with others, does she? “And I...I wanted to do something.” 

“What?” Bucky quickly demanded, moving closer, but quickly noticed her surprised expression, he moved his eyes away from her. 

Y/N’s eyes both wanted to look at Bucky, and look away from Bucky. As she moved a little closer to him, he tensed up when her cold hands landed on his naked shoulders. He was quickly reminded of his lack of shirt, and that he was only in gym shorts. 

But, just as quickly, he didn’t care. 

Y/N had moved her body so her legs sat on either side of his, and that she sat on his lap. Her hands rested on his shoulder, and their faces so much closer than it ever had been. 

“What are you doing?” He whispered. 

She shook her head, telling him that she didn’t know as she put her forehead on his. Resting it there. Bucky both hoped and feared that she would kiss him, but that never came, she just stayed there like that. 

Forehead to forehead. They stayed that way. 

Eventually, though, Bucky sighed and lifted her off him, setting her on the bed, to her disappointment. As he turned to leave, she grabbed his hand. Shocking him. 

Bucky turned to her, her eyes burning into his skin, “Bucky…” 

“Go to sleep.” 

His harshness shocked even him, and when he closed the door behind him, he heard her sobs. But he refuses to take advantage of her in this state of mind. It would be wrong, and if someone had done it to him, he doesn’t know what he would have done. In theory, it feels good until it’s actually happening. It can get scary, and confusing so quickly. He doesn’t want to do that to her, he can’t, it would ruin both of them.


	15. Chapter Fifteen

Steve got up and early for his morning run, and as he made his way to the elevator, he found Y/N wide awake in the kitchen, eating toast. “Hey? Why are you up?” 

“Couldn’t sleep any longer, can I go with you today?” 

Steve hesitated, chewing on his lip, “Um, sure. Only if you can keep up, that is.” 

She laughed, “You know I can.” 

Bucky woke up and instantly didn’t like the feeling in the apartment. It was quiet and cold. Everything she hated. When he exited, he found a note on the fridge telling him that Y/N went with Steve on his run and that they would get groceries on their way home. And reminding Bucky to fill Y/N’s med box. 

At about ten in the morning, is when they returned, Bucky smiled widely as he greeted them, “Hey doll,” He said to her, but to his surprise, she completely ignored him. Walking past as if he wasn’t there at all. 

Steve blinked in confusion, “Baby, are you okay?” She didn’t say anything and just walked into the hallway, and after a moment, they heard the sound of her bedroom door closing. 

“Well shit.”

“What? Did you do something?” Steve snapped. 

Bucky quickly put his hands up in defense, “What? No! No! Just, well shit like, she’s in a bad mood, well shit.” 

Steve bought that, and just went into the kitchen with the bags of groceries. 

Bucky didn’t have to tell Steve...she’ll stop being mad, eventually. It’s for her own good, anyway. He sighed and sat down at the dining table, putting his head in his hands. 

Y/N sat on her bed, thinking over last night. She’s been hurt, time and time again, but that was different. That wasn’t hurt, it was worse. 

What did she even want? Why is she so upset over something she doesn’t even understand entirely? 

Why does she want him to touch her, to feel her? She wants his hands on her skin. Her stomach flipped again and she sighed, lying down and staring at nothing. 

When the door opened, she jumped but was met with Steve. “What’s going on with you?” He asked, of course, he knew. She shook her head and just looked up. “Baby girl, you’ve been with us for a month now without any incident, please just tell me?” 

Y/N just kept staring at the ceiling. “I’m just, confused.” 

“About what?”

“Emotions.” 

Steve nodded, “Do you want to talk about it?” 

“Sometimes I get...ideas that are fueled by emotions, that I don’t get. Like, how do I come up with them? Where do they come from?” 

“Ideas?” 

“Things I want to do, but don’t make any sense.” 

Steve couldn’t imagine what that could possibly be, “Okay, I understand what you mean. Just because an idea doesn’t make sense, doesn’t mean it’s bad. Why don’t you try to act on them?” 

“What if I do, and it upsets others?” 

“Ask them why they’re upset.” 

“Bucky?” She stood in the doorway to his bedroom, where he sat at his desk. 

“Y/N, doll, are you, are you okay? Do you need anything?”

“What did I do wrong?” 

Bucky stood up and approached her, but stopped when she went to back away. “Nothing, I was the one who was doing something wrong.” 

“But you didn’t do anything!” 

“Y/N...you don’t understand. We can’t, you’re not ready for it.” 

His word choice confused her, but she didn’t say anything. Y/N just grabbed his flesh hand quickly, holding it tightly. She held it in the air for a moment, before she moved it to her face, feeling his hand on her cheek. 

“I just want to feel you,” Her tone of voice just about broke his heart as he took a step forward and placed his metal hand on her neck. She quickly put her arms around his torso. Hugging him tightly to her, so tight her fingers began to dig into his back. 

“Here, let’s...let’s lay down.” He pulled away slightly and guided her to the bed, laying down on his back, she stood for a moment, before she slowly got next to him, laying on her side with her front pressed to his side. He wrapped his arm around her shoulders, holding her tightly as she put her head on his chest. “Is this all you wanted, nothing more?” 

“This is it, I think?” 

“You think?” 

She just hummed, and Bucky knew she wasn’t being completely honest with him, but he didn’t care. He’s happy with this. He wants to hold her, that’s the thing. It’s not that he doesn’t want her in this way...she’s just so easy to break. Not just physically, but her mind. One wrong move and he could ruin any trust they’ve built. 

Steve sighed and pushed open Bucky’s door but quickly stopped himself at the sight before him. Bucky asleep, and Y/N laying on his chest wide awake. The look on her face was calm and relaxed, Steve being there didn’t bother her at all. 

“Y/N?” Steve slowly approached and crouched down to be eye-level with her, “How’d you get here?” 

She smiled, like actually smiled, “I talked to him,” 

“This is what you were asking about earlier?” 

She hummed a yes. 

“Are you okay?”

She hummed a yes again. 

Steve nodded and pushed some hair out of her face. Standing up and turning the light off, “Get some rest, I know you didn’t sleep last night.” He closed the door. 

For a moment, she just stared at nothing, before closing her eyes and listening to Bucky’s heartbeat. Before finally drifting off to the first comfortable sleep she’s had her entire time being with Steve and Bucky.


	16. Chapter Sixteen

Bucky nervously bounced his knee and glanced at Steve, who stood on the phone in front of him. Once Steve got off the phone, he avoided Bucky’s eyes and just looked at the girl sat on the sofa in the room over. 

“So?” 

“We have to go.”

“But what about her.” 

“That’s what I said. We both have to. Tony said he’ll have Happy check in on her a few times a day, but that’s all he can do.” 

“How long?” 

“We should expect to be home by Friday.” 

“What time on Friday?”

“He didn’t say,” 

Bucky sighed and nodded, “We leave tomorrow?” 

“Night.” 

That only made it a little better. But not by much. They would be able to prepare her better, write out a schedule, prepare her daily meals. 

Bucky and Steve sat on the sofa away from her but caught her attention. “What?” They were both staring at her, so that was a fair question. 

“We’re leaving, on a mission.” 

“You’ll be back in the morning.” It was a statement, not a question. They’ve gone of small, overnight missions here and there. Leave when she goes to bed, and come back before she’s even up for the day. 

“No, it’ll be for five days. From tomorrow night to sometime on Friday.” Steve corrected, hesitant. They watched her grab the remote and turn the TV off. 

“Is it gonna be dangerous?” 

The question surprised them. She’s concerned about them being in danger? Bucky looked at Steve, who looked a little dumbfounded by the question. 

“We’ll be okay, doll. No danger.” Well, that’s a lie.

Y/N nodded, “Five days.” 

“Five days...is that okay?”

“Oh, that’s okay.” She nodded her head, “That’s not really what I’m worried about.” 

“What are you worried about?” 

“You,” Steve and Bucky watched her as she moved closer to them and placed her hand on Steve’s. “If one of you gets hurt… that really scares me.” 

Bucky felt a sudden tightness in his chest, while Steve smiled brightly at her, moving to cup his hands around her smaller one. “You don’t have to worry about us, baby.” Steve assured, “We’ll be safe.”

“And you’ll come back?” 

“Yes,” Bucky spoke quickly, “God yes, we’ll come back.” It felt like a promise. 

That night she couldn’t sleep, too much running through her mind. So, she got up, putting a sweater on over her tank top and exiting her room. The walk to Bucky’s room was slow and cold. When she opened his door, she didn’t see Bucky in his bed. But Steve and Bucky. 

The door closed on its own behind her, but neither of them moved. Y/N eyes just focused on them, their bare chest, how they slept back to back with a gap between them. 

Her body moved on its own, she silently walked to the end of the bed and crawled onto it, as soon as there was any pressure on the bed, Bucky’s eyes quickly opened. He jumped, “Y/N.” He whispered and eyed Steve, “What’re you-”

“I can’t sleep.” Quickly it was obvious to Bucky that she didn’t care that Steve was there as well. “Do you-”

“Come here.” He reached his arm out to her, and she quickly sat down next to him, he smiled at her, “Do me a favor, and close your eyes.” 

“Why?”

“I don’t want you to see something.” 

“What?” 

Bucky hesitated before he put his mouth close to her ear, “Stevie and I are naked.” With that, she closed her eyes and stayed still. After a moment of staring at her, Bucky got out of the bed and there was some rustling. She deduced that he was getting into his dresser drawers for clothing, after a moment of silence, “Steve?” Bucky’s voice was different, sweet and calming. Fearing she would open her eyes, she quickly put her hands over her face. 

“What, Y/N?” Steve spoke, and she felt him move, putting his hand on her wrist, but she didn’t let him move her hand. 

“Get dressed, she’s sleeping in here.” 

Steve let go of her wrist and got up. She heard what sounded like whispers, but couldn’t make out any words. After what felt like a while, the boys got back into the bed. 

“Can I open my eyes?” 

“Yes, you can open your eyes,” Steve answered, when she opened them, they both lied on their sides facing her. For a moment, she didn’t move. 

The air in the room felt warm and thick, almost like there was steam surrounding them. “Why…” She wet her lips her tongue, and that made Steve look at Bucky, who bit his lip. “Why were you naked?” 

Bucky looked at Steve, and they both fell silent, not knowing how to answer her. “Did you do something...you don’t want me to know about?” 

“No, no,” Steve spoke softly, calmly. “It’s not that we don’t want you to know, it’s just that…” Steve didn’t know how he was going to finish. 

But her head just nodded slightly, “I…” She never finished what she was saying, laying down and closing her eyes, telling them she was ready for bed. 

Steve and Bucky just stared at her for a moment and wondered what goes on in her head. What conclusion she came to about this situation, about Bucky and Steve. Maybe, just maybe, it didn’t matter to her. Maybe there’s a chance that in her mind, she’ll deal with it another day, but for today, she’ll just not care.


	17. Chapter Seventeen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you all so much for all the support it means the world to me. i know this is a little random. i'm being very serious and genuine when i say that all the comments and kudos mean the absolute world to me. thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!!!!

When she woke up, Bucky and Steve were already gone, but there was something on the nightstand she had only ever seen other people use. A cell phone. A note sat under the phone. 

Y/N, this phone is for you to play with, and if you need to call anyone, everyone’s contact is already installed! - Love Bucky and Stevie

There was no lock to get into the phone, and the background picture was generic. As she explored the phone, she found that there were no games or apps on it. As she was doing this, she got a message from Happy. 

Hello, Y/N. This is Happy, I will be around at about noon!

She decided not to respond as she found the app store. 

Two days passed, Happy came both days at noon, bringing her fast food to eat and a smile on his face. She likes Happy, his name is cute and his personality is charming. 

Before bed that night, she was playing a game she had found on the app store. When the phone began to ring, and Bucky’s name popped up. Facetime call…

She answered and live video of Bucky and Steve came up. Her heart began to race and she couldn’t stop the smile coming even if she tried. 

“Hi!” Steve shouted, “Hi baby girl!” 

“Hi.” 

“How are you?” Bucky asked. They were sitting side by side on the ground against a wall. 

“I’m okay, what about you?”

“We’re doing great! There has been no injury or casualties this mission, we might even get to come home earlier than we expected.” Steve answered. 

“Earlier?” 

“Thursday night is when we expect to be finished, rather than sometime Friday.” 

She nodded her head, “Where are you?” 

Steve looked at Bucky, who shrugged, “I mean, it is technically classified, but we’re somewhere in deep Canada.” 

“Cold?” She asked with a smile. 

“God yeah. Freezing.” Bucky answered, “But we just got some new gear, and it’s like it has heaters inside of it.” 

“Knowing Tony it just might,” Steve replied. “Have you been eating enough?” 

Y/N nodded her head, “Yeah, I’ve been eating. Happy brings me lunch a lot of the time, and I’ve been having small breakfasts, and I’ve been eating the frozen dinners.” 

“Good, good. What have you been doing to occupy your time?”

“Well, I love the new phone. I’ve been playing games and watching videos.” 

“I’m glad you like it,” Bucky said, looking at Steve, “I’m the one who convinced him to it for you.” 

“Thank you.” 

A comfortable silence fell, and for a moment, she just looked at them, “Are you tired?” Steve asked. 

“Do I look tired?” 

“A little.” 

“Well, I am.” She answered, grabbing her water on her bedside table and taking a drink, “Are you two resting enough?”

“We try to,” Bucky answered honestly, it had been difficult for them to sleep. Being away from her. 

Y/N smiled at them, “You want me to go to bed, don’t you?” 

“We would like that, yeah,” Bucky answered. 

“We just want to know that you’re sleeping. Oh! Your meds, have you been remembering?” Steve asked. 

She nodded and smiled, “I set an alarm on my phone to remind me. I’ve been taking them.” Something inside her began to fuzz but in a good way. Happiness slowly began to warm her skin up and made her heart beat a little erratic. 

“Okay, good. Good girl.” Something about that made her want to shout with joy, being told that she is good, that she did something good...it made her feel that way. Good. “Now, go to bed. We’ll be back as soon as we possibly can.”

“Will you call again?” 

“We can try, but we don’t have great service up here.” 

“That’s okay, I understand. Good night, try to rest for me.” 

“We will, we love you.” 

We love you. We love you. We love you. We love you.

Those three words lingered for a long time. A very long time. At first, it was warm and fuzzy. We love you. His voice was sweet and loving. They do love her...don’t they? 

Papa loved her. Papa told her all the time, that he loves his little girl, and that she’ll always be there to save him. But she’s not saving him. Papa is sick, she told them, and they told her that they would get him better. Something tells her that’s a lie. 

When tears began to run down her face, she knew that something was wrong, truly wrong. That something is wrong with her. Papa did so many mean things, but all she wants is that back. She wants him back. Papa needs her, and she’s ignoring him. 

What would he think? That she doesn’t love him. 

The thought alone made her panic, quickly getting out of the bed and beginning to breathe rapidly. She struggled to even open her bedroom door, and the more she failed to, the more frantic she became. 

As she struggled to open a door, a sharp part of the screw scratched her hand from her wrist to close to her pinky finger. 

Finally, she collapsed onto herself. And once again, she was left alone in a room that’s too cold and so, so lonely. 

Thursday night came, and she was pacing the length of the living room, waiting for the elevator to open. She told herself that she wouldn’t mention that night, the night she cried for her Papa...they wouldn’t want that for her, because they want the best for her. 

When it opened, she froze in her place, staring at Bucky and Steve, who was smiling from ear to ear. It was quick that she was pulled into a hug between the two boys. But something felt wrong, off. 

It was her, she was what was wrong in this.

“Baby girl, how are you? Oh, you look good.” Steve began to frantically look her over, touching her face, neck, shoulders, and arms. 

With hesitance, she answered, “I’m well.”

Bucky took his jacket off, leaving him in jeans and a t-shirt. “The apartment is clean, did you pick up?” 

A smile crept onto her face, “You act like I’m messy.” 

“That’s not what I’m saying,” He responded with a smile. 

Suddenly, Steve grabbed her wrist and looked at her hand, the scratch. “How did this happen?” 

“I cut myself opening my bedroom door.” Lies should be 90% truth, her father once told her. Is she lying though? Not really...she’s just leaving some parts out. 

“On the handle?” 

“Yeah like...the X on the screw…” She tried to explain. 

But Steve didn’t seem to be buying it, letting go of her wrist and walking to the hallway. “Steve,” Bucky chuckled following him. “Why is this bothering you so bad?” 

Steve entered her room and began to examine her handle, feeling the screw with his finger, like he was trying to cut himself with it. Y/N stood by Bucky and glanced at him. 

“Did I do something I shouldn’t have?” She whispered to her. 

Bucky sighed and glared at Steve, who was now looking at her. “You did nothing wrong, Steve’s adrenaline is just still up,” Bucky spoke through his teeth. 

Steve sighed and smile, “I’m sorry, Y/N, if it felt like I was accusing you of something, or that I didn’t believe you. I just...I worried about you the entire time we were gone. I missed you.”

Y/N’s eyes flickered away from Steve and to the ground. Hesitantly, she smiled and looked up, “I understand, Stevie. I missed you too. Both of you.” 

Bucky smiled as he placed his flesh hand on her side, holding her to him. But that hand did not feel like Bucky’s...but her fathers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you all so much for all the support it means the world to me. i know this is a little random. i'm being very serious and genuine when i say that all the comments and kudos mean the absolute world to me. thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!!!!


	18. Chapter Eighteen

Y/N went to bed two hours before their normal bedtime, grabbing her phone and blanket of the sofa and standing up. Steve lied on the other sofa while Bucky sat on the same as her. “Where are you going dollface?”

“I’m pretty tired.”

“You can sleep in my room if you want,” Steve suggested. 

She said nothing in response, walking to her room and shutting the door behind her. A heavyweight had attached to her, dragging behind her, and as hours passed, it got bigger and heavier. Exhausting her. 

Bucky looked at Steve, “What do you think is wrong?” 

Steve didn’t respond, getting off the sofa and following her. When he knocked on her door, he got nothing in response. So he just opened the door to find her sitting on the ground near the windows. Sadness panged at his heart. 

“Hey…” He spoke softly, “Are you okay?” 

She sniffled and looked at him, wiping her face. Nodding her head and smiling at him, she reached her hand out to him, for him to take it. Steve took her hand and she pulled on him to sit her with. But she never let go of his hand. 

They were quiet for a very long time, looking at the city below them. “The stars are like eyes.” Steve didn’t say anything to that, “And they watch me...but not in a bad way, in a protective way.” 

Steve smiled, looking at the stars. He found himself wanting to thank them. 

Again, it was quiet between them. For a long time, before she sighed and looked down. 

“You and Bucky sleep in the same bed every night?” 

Steve just nodded and hummed a quiet yes. 

“What else do you do? At night?” 

“We touch,” Bucky answered, causing them to look at him standing in the doorway, “We kiss...we love each other.” 

A smile found her lips, “You have sex.” 

“You could say it like that.” Steve said, “Why’re you thinking about this?”

“At first, I didn’t. I didn’t care. But now, something inside is compelling me to.” 

Bucky sat down on the other side of Steve, so she could look at both of them. “What do you know about sex?” Steve asked. 

“I’ve had it.” Bucky glanced at the ground. “You know what I mean.” She said quieter. 

“Do you understand...men having sex?” 

She dropped eye contact with Steve when he said that, looking at their hands. She pulled away, becoming shy. “Not really...I haven’t ever really put any thought into it either.” 

Bucky stared at Steve, a little surprised he was being so open about their sex life. Cause normally when sex is brought up, Steve becoming a blushing embarrassed mess. “Do you want to?” Bucky asked, not looking at her, but at Steve. 

“I don’t want to…” She struggled to find the word, “Make you talk about your private time.” That wasn’t exactly what she was looking for, but they knew what she meant. 

“Can I ask a question you don’t have to answer?” Steve asked. 

“Sure…”

“Do you want to have sex?”

“With you?” 

Her tone of voice and facial expression almost made Bucky laugh and Steve feel a little attacked. “Not exactly, but in general. With anyone you want.” 

For a long time, she fell silent. But finally, “Yeah, sure. Sex is meant to feel good right? If it feels good what’s stopping me.” 

“Good point.” Bucky commented, “Do you have anyone in mind?” 

“No.” She answered bluntly, now both Bucky and Steve felt a little attacked. 

“Well, okay,” Steve muttered, a more awkward silence fell over the three. 

Soon, she stood up and walked away. “I’ve been writing something.” She grabbed a notebook and pen from her nightstand, “A list of things I want to do.” 

“Can I see?” Steve peeked a got a quick glance. As she wrote down whatever it was that she was writing. Bucky also craned his neck to see. 

1\. Ice skate  
2\. Finish a book  
3\. Paint my nails  
4\. Master English  
5\. Eat ice cream  
6\. Wear makeup   
7\. Explore New York   
8\. Learn to drive  
9\. Go to school  
10\. Have sex

“Ten things.” Bucky smiled at her, feeling a little bit of pride. 

“You’ve never had ice cream?” Steve asked. 

“I don’t think so.” She giggled, closing the notebook. “I also think I’ve worn makeup before, but I’m not sure,”

“We have ice cream,” Steve said, still stuck on the ice cream, and the fact that she’s never had it. 

Her eyes lit up, “Really!” 

“Yeah!” 

Quickly, the three scrambled to give her ice cream. Steve carried in the two cartons, with three spoons. He handed Bucky and Y/N their spoons and put the cartons of ice cream down. moose tracks and peanut butter. 

“Whose is whose?” She asked, before eating. 

“Nope,” Steve put his finger to Bucky, who went to answer. “You have to choose which one you want.” 

With a sigh and grabbed the moose tracks and dipped into it, Bucky smiled smugly at Steve. As she ate it, her hand quickly came over her mouth as the flavor burst in her mouth. 

“Do you like it?” Her reacted made the boys laugh. 

“Cold.” She said from behind her hand. That made them laugh a little more, but it didn’t stop her from trying the peanut butter kind as well. 

When she had tasted them both, the boys stared, “So which do you like more?” Steve asked, hoping and praying that she would like his more despite choosing Bucky’s first. 

Y/N shrugged, “I liked them both, the same amount.” 

“You can’t just like them equally.” Bucky said, “You have to like one more.” 

When she rolled her eyes, they knew that she knew what they were up to. “I don’t have a favorite. Doesn’t mean that I won’t eat all of it, I hope you know.” She said dipping back into moose tracks. 

Steve and Bucky laughed and joined her in eating the treat. When the cartons were gone, they sat at the table for a while, just sitting in their silence. 

“Tomorrow, if you want, we can achieve more things on the list,” Bucky said quietly, reaching over to hold her hand. “We can go and buy makeup and nail polish that you like, and you can pick out a book. We can start to learn to drive, and ice skate. All of it, we can do it all.”

“Even sex?” She asked. 

The boys stayed quiet for a moment, “If that’s what you want.” Steve responded after a moment. 

She stayed quiet because she didn’t know. Yes, she wants to have sex, real sex. But with Steve and Bucky? But yet again, who else? After a long silence from her, she smiled, “Let’s do the other things first.” 

“That sounds like a wonderful idea.” Steve smiled. 

“How do you come up with them?” Bucky asked. 

Y/N giggled and rolled her eyes at them, but never answered the question. Because she didn’t have to.


	19. Chapter Nineteen

Love. It’s a complicated word. It is a word that can be twisted to mean many things. “I love you more than anything!” The mother told her daughter. “I loved you,” The crying man told his cheating husband. “I can’t love you,” She told her father, who had abandoned her. “I love only you.” She said to the other girl in the damp prom dress. “We love you,” Steve and Bucky said, but the words only reminded her of her father. 

“How do you even know about ice skating?” Bucky asked, standing behind her as she looked at herself in the mirror.

“I saw it on TV.” She began to button up her top. Bucky had presented her with the outfit. A long sleeve white shirt with a loose light pink quarter-sleeve sweater over. She cocked her head to the side and smiled at herself, “Did you pick this out?” 

“Steve picked out the boots,” Bucky said, pointing at the black heeled boots. “He liked how tall they are.” 

Y/N smiled and nodded at him, walking to the boots and sitting on her bed with him, beginning to put them on, “What is Steve doing?” 

“Getting dressed, he picked out a new winter coat.” 

“Takes him this long to put on a coat?” She giggled, zipping up her boots and standing up, presenting herself to Bucky, who watched her with a foreign expression. She cocked her head again, asking him what the face is about. There is a word in the back of her head to describe it. 

His face and body told her that he is admiring her. Drinking her image in. Tattooing it to his brain. The way that she looks right now. His shoulders moved slowly, and like he was restraining himself from moving closer, his fist closing tightly. 

Her skin is no longer a dull, gray color anymore. Her body is no longer malnourished and gaunt. 

What’s the word?

Warm. His expression, his face when he looks at her. Is warm. 

“Ready?” Steve interrupted, she looked at him and smiled, “You look…” She approached him and he put his hands out to touch her, as his hands landed on her sides, he finished, “Delightful.”

“Delightful?” She mimicked, never hearing that word before. 

“It means...beautiful, gorgeous, cute.” 

“English has a lot of words that mean similar things.” 

“Russian doesn’t?” 

“Well...it can, English and Russian are too different to compare, it’s not fair. I guess?” She giggled again and looked at Bucky, who was standing now and walking to the chair at her desk, grabbing his coat to put it on. 

With that, they began to leave. “So we’re going shopping first, then ice skating?” 

“Yeah, we’re not gonna be ice skating until after dark.” Steve answered, “We’re going to a few different stores, all by Natasha and Wanda’s suggestion.” 

“Welcome to the mall.” 

“Mall.” She repeated Bucky as they got out of the car. “And what is...mall?” 

“The mall is a big building full of popular stores.” 

With a small nod, she said, “Okay…makes sense,” They went on their way to the entrance.

Something about the mall was both very intriguing and terrifying to her. It wasn’t her first time in the mall, but it was her first time in the mall as the new her. The new her. As they walked around the mall. She just held onto Steve and Bucky’s hands as they searched for whatever it was they were looking for. A map, but she didn’t know that. 

Her eyes grabbed onto anything they could find, doing everything they could to keep the image in her brain permanently. Something inside of her forced her to try and remember this all. Like she would never see it again. 

When she noticed the ice rink, with families, friends, and everything in between dancing around on the ice, her heart began to flutter and her stomach flipped. 

“Look.” She let go of Bucky’s hand and pointed, getting their attention. 

“Later, baby,” Steve spoke softly, and kindly. 

“I know, I know, I just wanna watch for a minute, please? Pretty please.” 

Bucky grabbed her other hand and began to pull them both to a bench that sat near the ice rink, most likely put there for people sitting and watching. Y/N sat between the two men and stared in awe at the people skating. She became invested in a mother teaching her toddler-aged daughter how to skate. 

“I’ve never met a child.” She randomly blurted. 

“No?” 

“Nope, I’ve always wanted to hold a baby. They look so cute and soft.” 

Bucky chuckled, “They scare the crap outta me.”

Steve sighed, knowing what Bucky was getting at. 

“They’re so small and...helpless, how are you scared?” She leaned over and put her cheek to his arm, looking up at him. “Are you scared of them or yourself?” 

The first store was Bath & Bodyworks, when they entered, the smile of pure bliss and wonder made both Steve and Bucky feel a little more giddy about this idea. 

“So, what are we getting here?” She asked, approaching the wall of various bath and shower products. 

“We are getting things like bath bombs, bath soap, and things that smell nice.”

“Things that smell nice?”

“Look, over here.” Bucky dragged her to the perfume and lotion. “You spray these,” He held it to her wrist and sprayed it, causing her to jump a little, “Smell?” She smiled as she sniffed it looking up at him. “Like it?”

“Yeah, it has sparkles!” 

Steve laughed, “These make your skin softer and smell good.” He handed her a pink lotion. They let her pick out five of everything she wanted. Five perfumes, five lotions, five bubble baths, and five bath bombs. 

After, they hit various clothing stores and may have gone a little overbored. Even to her dismay a little.

Finally, though, they got to the store that Natasha and Wanda warned them about, Sephora. “What is this store?” She asked as they walked through the mall. 

“The store where they sell makeup.”

“I’m gonna try and find someone to help us,” Steve said to Bucky and Y/N, walking away. 

Bucky smiled at her, “Okay, we can look at eyeshadows and lipsticks for now.” Bucky grabbed her hand and they went on their way. 

Sephora was the store they spent the longest time in, and the most money on. They had a lovely girl named Penny help them, she helped Y/N get the proper swatches for face products, let them use her discount, and suggested the best products they had that were also affordable. 

“Wait, I thought we were ice skating?” She interrupted Bucky and Steve’s conversation and noticed how dark it had become outside. 

Bucky smiled at her, “We’re just bringing all the bags to the car, it’s okay.” When they dropped the bags off, she noticed that Bucky held two white boxes while Steve carried a box that was a light teal color. 

That made the little bit of anxiety inside her chest melt away. When they returned to the ice rink, it was empty, and they’re only a handful of people around. 

“Sit,” Steve sat her down on the same bench they had sat down on earlier. Slowly, Steve got down in front of her and put the teal box on her lap, “Open it.”

Bucky sat next to her and watched with excitement. 

Carefully, she opened the box and inside were a pair of white ice skates. “Awe,” She looked at them both then back at the skates, “Thank you.” 

“You’re very welcome.” They helped her put her on than their own.

Ice skating was more difficult than she had anticipated. At first, she wasn’t very confident and got more and more frustrated with each fall. But with each fall, Steve and Bucky were there to stand her back up, and soon enough, she didn’t need their help to get back up. She did it on her own. With even more time on the ice, she fell less and less, able to do more on her own. Finally, she did it all on her own and didn’t need their help. But that didn’t stop her from going back to them and staying with them. Even though she could go ahead, she didn’t. She stayed with them, right where she wanted to be.


	20. Chapter Twenty

Y/N tried not to show it, but she was so nervous her body shook a little. In theory, driving was a great idea, but now she’s here. 

“You’ve driven before, baby. Don’t be nervous, I’m right here,” 

“The old me drove.” She corrected him. 

Steve sighed and nodded, “Yes, yes, old you. Current you, new you, has no reason to be nervous. I’m here.” He reached over and put his hand on her thigh. Causing her to flinch violently, he pulled his hand away, “I’m sorry-”

“No, I’m sorry...um…” Her father’s face clouded Steve’s. “Okay,” She took in a deep breath, “Foot on the break, and put it in drive…” She did the steps as she said them, slowly, she took her foot off the brake, and as she did this the car began to go a little faster. As she did this, she began to settle down a little bit. 

“Okay, now try pushing down on the gas a little, only a little. You don’t need too much to go a little faster.” Steve said as he did she did as he asked. Y/N went at 35 eventually and drove around the tower four times, just letting herself get a feeling of it. Steve agreed to let her quit and they went back to the apartment. 

In the elevator, Steve wanted to ask why she flinched so hard when he touched her thigh but knew better. “Are you okay?”

“I’m...I was just stressed out, it was scary. You know?” 

“I completely understand. I’m sorry I scared you.” 

“Don’t be. I thought I was getting better about it…”

“You don’t have to get better in that sense...and I should have known better than to touch such a...personal place on your body.” 

Y/N fell silent. “Do you ever...think about it?” 

“About what?” 

“Touching me.” 

“What...do you mean?” Steve asked slowly, not really knowing what she meant. 

She glanced at him, “Don’t get like that. Like, we hold hands, and you kiss my head, and sometimes we sleep in bed together. But you never...feel me.” 

Steve sighed, “We just, we don’t want to push any of your boundaries,” 

“I don’t know my boundaries though, that’s the thing. I want...I want to feel you more.” The elevator opened to their apartment, and she shut her mouth, worried that Bucky would hear. She then decided she didn’t care if Bucky cared. “I want hugs and kisses, and if there is something I don’t like I’ll just tell you.” 

“That’s not really how it works, Y/N.”

“Then how does it work?” 

“Okay, for the sake of me, tell me one place you don’t want me to touch.” 

She fell completely silent, staring at him. There were obvious answers. But that’s not what he was looking for. So she thought back to places on her body that her father touched often. “My neck.” She reached her hand up and touched my neck. 

“How would I have known if you didn’t tell me?” Steve’s tone made her a little angry at him, but she did her best not to show it. 

“Because...what do you think will happen? Do you think I’m gonna bite your head off or something? Do you think I’m gonna get scared and run away like a kicked dog?” 

“Y/N.” 

“Seriously...why-” She closed her mouth when she noticed Bucky in the archway, staring at them, “Why won’t you touch me?” She finished, asking Steve, but looking at Bucky. 

Steve suddenly grabbed her hips, and pulled her to him, she yelped and gasped, but once she was in his grasp, she stayed there, still. Steve held her back to his chest, her hands over his. “No neck?” 

“N-No…” She was out of breath and felt her skin becoming hotter. Steve did place his lips on her cheek though, giving a soft and slow kiss. Something inside of her forced her to turn her head, their lips very close together. 

Bucky smiled at them, waiting for it. But it never came. The kiss. “Fury called.” He said after long enough. 

Steve quickly looked at him, “About?”

“Her.” Bucky pointed at her, “He wants to sit with her, and...because of our driving adventures, he’s been prompted to ask if we want to make her an American citizen.” 

“Nick Fury want’s to sit with me? Why?” She pulled out of Steve’s arm and approached Bucky. “Am I…”

“He wants to meet the daughter of the Hydra. But mainly, he actually wants to see if you’re fit to be a citizen of the United States.”

“What does that mean?” 

“There’s a test you have to take, you’ll probably have to get a green card, um, the only thing they mentioned was that they don’t know if you entered the country legally. But for the most part, because of the situation, they mentioned that it should be similar to Nat’s situation.” 

“Nat’s situation?” 

“She became a citizen super easily because Fury vouched for her.” 

“And so if I vouch for you,” Steve put his hand on his chest as he came into her eyesight, “It’s very likely you’ll become a citizen easily.” 

Y/N sighed, “Wouldn’t it just be easier if I married one of you.” It was a joke, she meant it as a joke. But the look on both of their faces told her that they didn’t take it that way, “I wasn’t-” She put her hands up defensively, “I was kidding.” 

Steve chuckled awkwardly, while Bucky looked at her like he still thought she was serious, “It’s just...I guess we didn’t know you knew about stuff like that.” Steve explained their reaction. 

That made her mood shift a little, “What impression are you under? About my knowledge of things?” She was avoiding a specific type of language that Lou warned her of. 

“What kind of question is that?” Bucky narrowed his eyes at her, “We don’t-we don’t think you’re…”

“Stupid?” 

“No! Well, yes exactly, we don’t think you’re stupid, you’re a very smart girl. It’s just that, we don’t know what you do and don’t know about…”

“Assumption.” 

“Well...not exactly, we can’t assume,” Bucky said, leaning on the archway again, clearly annoyed with the discussion. 

Steve sighed, “Can we table this for another time?” He held up his phone, which had the caller ID for Fury on it. He answered and walked into the living room. 

Y/N bit her lip and glanced at Bucky, who was looking at her through his eyelashes. She decided to listen to Steve and just walked past Bucky and to her bedroom. 

Bucky’s leg bounced, Steve anxiously checked his phone repeatedly. But she just sat there, a cool thickness hung in the room. When the door opened, Steve stood up and shook the hands of Fury and the woman with him. 

“Y/N, this is Nick Fury and Agent Maria Hill.” Steve introduced them. 

The three sat down and Fury looked at her with curiosity, “You’re the famous Y/N I’ve heard so much about?” 

A fake smile came onto her face and she nodded, “I guess. I could say the same about you.” 

“Hyrda talk about me a lot?” 

“Steve and Bucky certainly do.” She avoided answering that question because the honest answer was that she didn’t know. She can imagine yes, they would keep tabs on Fury, but Hydra is...odd. 

Fury raised his eyebrow and nodded his head slightly, “You want to become a citizen, why?” 

“I want my driver’s license.” 

“Why?”

“It’s one of my goals.” That was obviously confusing to those who don’t know about her list, “I made a list of goals I want to complete.” 

Fury nodded, “I assume that is part of your therapy?” 

“It was something Lou mentioned to me, yes.” Bucky and Steve were a little surprised at how responsive she was being to Fury, and how well Fury was doing with her. “It would also benefit me in the future, I assume.” 

“So you have long term goals?” 

“In a way, obviously. I want to complete my small goals first, but I have been putting some thought into the rest of my life,” 

That was new news to Steve and Bucky. The idea of her putting thought into her future only made them want to ask questions, what does she see in that future? But more selfishly, are they there? 

Fury proceeded to conduct the interview, which felt like it lasted a year, but in reality, it was a little less than an hour and a half. As Y/N, Steve, and Bucky went on their way back to the apartment, they knew now was when to ask the questions they had.

“You’ve been thinking about the future?” Steve asked for both of them. 

“Yeah,” Though simple, the answer didn’t give them much, “Why do you ask?” 

“Well, we were just wondering, when you think of the future…”

“Are you and Steve there?” They fell silent, she chuckled, “Sometimes, other times I live alone. I don’t know what I want, I just know that the future is coming and that...anything could be that, my future, that is.” When the elevator door opened to their apartment, she stepped in, but clearly had more to say as she watched them enter after her, “What I do hope for, is that we don’t live here anymore.” 

Steve furrowed his eyebrows at her, “You don’t like the apartment.” 

“I don’t like how high up we are. I would be okay with it if we lived closer to the ground,” It was a half-joke, but she meant what she said as well. 

This only gave Steve ideas though, thinking about places they could move to, away from the city, and that could be ground level. The idea of moving out of the apartment seemed to excite Steve.


	21. Chapter Twenty-One

Y/N found herself alone this morning. But something felt incredibly off about it. There was no note from Steve and Bucky, she was wearing something different than what she went to bed in, and the apartment seemed...off…

She tried to enter the living room but found herself in a hospital room, and laying in the hospital bed, her father. Hooked to machines, and a deathly look on his face. Her arms came up, hugging herself as she saw a puff of warmth in front of her mouth as she breathed. 

“It’s so cold, daughter.” He muttered, “You’ve let me go cold.”

“No,” She approached him, “I’ll keep you warm, papa.” 

“I’m already cold.”

And before her eyes, he became a corps. A scream escaped her, shock and fear rushing to her like a headrush, causing her to feel faint, and like she was going to vomit.

“Y/N!” 

She gasped awake, shooting up, but didn’t get very far, Bucky was sat next to her. His metal arm in front of her, and his flesh on her back.

“Breath, you’re okay,” She hadn’t noticed Steve. He was holding a water bottle and the stuffed rabbit that she got from Lou.

“What happened?”

“You were having a night terror...it must have been a bad one.”

“You normally don’t come when I have nightmares.”

“Well that’s the difference between a nightmare and night terror...you were screaming baby,” Steve explained, handing her the water bottle. The boys watched as she greedily drank from the bottle, it made Bucky smile while Steve still held a concerned look on his face. “Do-Do you remember it?”

“Not entirely...my papa…”

The boys exchanged a glance at each other, then back to her, “What did he do?” Bucky asked. 

“Nothing, he’s too sick to do anything to me anymore.” That wasn’t a statement about her night terror. And a little inkling of what she wants began to wiggle its way into Bucky and Steve’s thoughts, she doesn’t...she can’t. “I want to see him.”

“Y/N, no,” Steve was quick to the no. While Bucky always entertained the idea. They’ve danced this dance. “We’ve let you see him, we can’t-”

“Risk it, I know, I know. I’m a risk, he’s a risk...he’s dying without me.” 

“Is he dying without you, or are you dying without him?” Steve asked, the question was applied, but his tone of voice wasn’t harsh, it was genuinely curious. 

“I love my papa, I know you don’t want me to say that, or feel that way. But he was all I had my entire life,” She was beginning to cry. “I need a goodbye. If this is my new life, if this is the new me, without him, I get to have a goodbye, it’s my right.” 

Bucky was smiling ear to ear, “She’s right, Steve. She deserves a goodbye.”

Steve sighed and rubbed his face, “I’m not winning this, am I?”

“No,” She smiled, “You’re not.”

Her entire body trembled, and she had to remind herself over and over, that she is not afraid of him, and he can’t do anything to her. 

Bucky watched her closely, she sat in the uncomfortable chair outside his room, curled into a ball, staring at nothing, eyes glazed over. Steve approached, holding a bag of chips, and a bottle of Coke. “Here,” He handed her the food and drink, she took it but didn’t open either. “If you want to go back to the apartment-”

“I have to do this.” She snapped, glaring at him. 

“I know you’re trying to prove a point, but you’re trembling.” Bucky spoke softly, crouching down in front of her, “It’s okay to be afraid.”

“I’m just cold.” 

Bucky sighed and began to take off his jacket, exposing his arm fully, and put the jacket around her. With that, she glanced up at him, smiling. “Thanks,” Her voice wasn’t as wavered, but it was small. 

After a long while, the doctors exited the room, and Lou stopped at them while the other two doctors continued on their way, Lou smiled at Y/N, “You ready?” 

A chill came up her spine as her stomach flipped, “Yeah,” She put Bucky’s jacket on fully, and left the food and drink on the chair, “Can it just me? No Steve and Bucky?”

“Of course, I just need one thing from you.” 

“What?”

Lou held up a face mask and blue gloves, “Put these on.”

She agreed and put them on, and they slowly entered the hospital room. It wasn’t cold or warm in there, and it was decorated in a way that made it feel homely. When her eyes landed on him, she knew now, there was nothing to fear. 

Her father looked small and frail, literally on his death bed. 

“Is he awake?” 

“No, he sleeps often, would you like me to leave you be?” 

She hummed a yes, and listened as Lou left the room. She sighed and found a chair not too close to her father, watching him. She felt like she was supposed to speak, say something to him, but what is there to say? 

“Daughter,” She gasped, he looked asleep, but still, he spoke for her, called to her. “My sweet girl.” She completely tensed up when his eyes opened, he stared at her, “You came for your papa…take that thing off your face, I want to see you.” He smiled at her and lifted his hand out to her. Calling her to him, but she was completely frozen in her spot. Despite not wanting to, she took the mask off her face. “What have they done to you, sweet girl?” Tears began to cloud her vision, “You’ve...gained weight…”

She gasped again, air fleeting away from her, her lip began to quiver, “Papa…” She whispered. 

“Oh, darling, why are you sad?” 

Y/N closed her eyes tightly, tears falling out of them and down her face. “I missed you.” Was all she was able to manage, as she fought back sobs. 

“Is that why you cry? You miss your poor sick papa?”

“Mhmm.” She nodded her head, an overwhelming feeling regret was flooding her senses, and she needed to get away from him, she knew what he was doing, and she needed to run. 

“I have missed you too…” He closed his eyes and leaned his head back like he was falling asleep. “You were always such a good girl, my very good girl...so sweet and beautiful…” He drifted off, and with that, her legs moved without her telling them to. 

“Whoa, doll, whoa, calm down, I’m right here...it’s okay.” She didn’t even realize she was in Bucky’s arms, or that she was clutching to him to tightly her fingers and arms began to ache. After a moment, Bucky pulled back just a little and looked at her face, “Did he hurt you?” He whispered. 

“N-No, he just...he just spoke to me.”

Steve’s hand on her back made her clutch onto Bucky again, Steve sighed, but didn’t remove his hand from her back, after a moment though, he felt her relax and pull away from Bucky a little. 

“Why don’t we go to the apartment and have some ice cream?” Steve offered. 

Y/N just nodded her head, and let out an exasperated breath. As they walked away from the door to him, she looked behind her at it, and still felt like there was never a goodbye...but she knew now, that she would probably never get a proper one. But, she got that, whatever it was, and maybe, someday, that will be enough.


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i’m surprised more people didn’t ask about this. But in chapter twenty-two of healing of time, i sort of fucked up lol. In a different story i’m writing i have a character with the first name Everest, and while writing chapter 22 of healing of time i accidentally typed Everest instead of Y/N. i want to apologize because i had to delete any trace of that chapter and repost it and i feel really bad about it. I was super excited about my 2020 comeback but nope, i’m a dumb. Again, so sorry about this weird-ass inconvenience to everyone. I really hope i didn’t confuse anyone too badly and i hope that everyone sees this message so any confusion there is can be cleared up!

If he dreams it’s about her. Her face, her eyes, her hair, her hands, her body...some nights, it’s a pleasant dream, others its images he can’t erase from his mind. 

Bucky pinched the bridge of his nose with his metal hand, looking at his phone with a fierce concentration. But he wasn’t focused on what was on the phone screen at all, in fact, he hadn’t even touched the screen in so long it had gone dark. Something was going on inside his head, and from her perspective, it looked like a war. 

Y/N watched him from the hallway for a long time, leaning on the wall behind her. Something about this made her smile. She felt like she was spying on the Winter Soldier. After a while, she began to grow board, until he suddenly jerked into reality, rubbing his dry eyes. Bucky groaned and tossed his phone onto the couch away from him. Leaning forward, he placed his face in his hands. 

“You okay?” He didn’t really react to the question, staying quiet for a while. 

Peeling his hands from his face, he nodded and sighed. “I’m…” His eyes drifted to look at her, “I’m having a rough day.” 

“Why?” 

Something about her question threw him off. She would know, wouldn’t she? Of all people, she must understand. But her voice, she asked it so nonchalantly, like she was asking about the weather outside. 

Bucky didn’t know how to answer either, guilt was the first word he thought of, but as he rolled her question over in his mind, a new one came to the surface. “Greif,” 

“For who?” 

Somehow, an even harder question. Because he doesn’t know. Is he really in the right to grieve for his victims, for their families? Does he deserve that? Does he grieve for Howard the same way Tony does? 

Maybe he should have just answered with guilt because that is so much easier to explain. 

Y/N sat down next to him, pulling him from his thoughts. “You know you don’t have to answer me, right?” He said nothing in return, “Lou ask me questions that I don’t know how to answer, that I can’t answer. I don’t know how to answer some questions. I talk myself into a...corner, and it can feel like I can’t leave. But you can.” Her hand found his metal one. And he knew his answer. 

“I grief for the man I once was.” 

After a moment on silence, she looked up at him, touching his jaw with her free hand and turning him to look at her, “Bucky...do you ever think about doing things that seem right but are so unfamiliar?” 

“What kind of question is that?” 

Their lips connected. And they knew the answer to both questions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i’m surprised more people didn’t ask about this. But in chapter twenty-two of healing of time, i sort of fucked up lol. In a different story i’m writing i have a character with the first name Everest, and while writing chapter 22 of healing of time i accidentally typed Everest instead of Y/N. i want to apologize because i had to delete any trace of that chapter and repost it and i feel really bad about it. I was super excited about my 2020 comeback but nope, i’m a dumb. Again, so sorry about this weird-ass inconvenience to everyone. I really hope i didn’t confuse anyone too badly and i hope that everyone sees this message so any confusion there is can be cleared up!


	23. Chapter Twenty-Three

How does one come back from that? A decision like that one? He and Y/N kissed. He fucking kissed her, he let her kiss him, like an idiot. He did the one thing he told himself he wouldn’t do. He became intimate with her...and now he has to tell Steve. 

Y/N shivered, realizing how cold it is in the apartment today, she grabbed a sweater and her slippers, putting them on and exiting her bedroom to go to the thermostat, but was quickly stopped in her tracks. Seeing Steve and Bucky, both not noticing her. Her uncontrollable urge to eavesdrop kicked in, hiding from behind the doorway and watching them. 

Steve stood by the elevator, taking his muddy running shoes off. Bucky hovered in the shadows, watching the blond man. 

After a moment, Steve, without looking at him spoke, “What’s up?” 

“You noticed me?”

“Your thoughts are very loud.” 

“You can’t read minds, Steve.”

Steve said nothing, just waited for Bucky to tell him what was on his mind. After a moment, Steve sighed and approached Bucky in a way that told Bucky that Steve planned on kissing him. 

Bucky quickly avoided the kiss, “I just, I’m having a bad day, you know?” Bucky began to walk away. 

Something was really wrong. Steve knew that. Bucky, when he has a bad day, is cuddly and tired, he doesn’t walk away from a kiss. No, he walks away from a kiss when he feels guilt. “Is there anything I can do?”

Bucky wished Steve hadn’t said that, of course, he says the thing he’s supposed to say. He’s fucking perfect. Fuck him. “I don’t know, there’s a lot going on in my head right now...and I don’t know what...what’s going on up there half the time.” 

Steve chuckled, watching as Bucky acted like he was doing something. “Talk about it, we can sit down with that therapist if-”

“No, Steve…” After what Zemo did...Bucky has been very reluctant to see a mental health profession, despite Steve’s wishes. “I just, I have a lot of regrets and-”

“That man was not you, Buck. You didn’t have a choice, you couldn’t make decisions for yourself, even if you wanted to. They did that to you-”

“Steve, I mean today, with...her.” He gestured broadly, not really at anything. 

“Y/N?” 

“Are...are we doing good by her?” 

“Of course.” Steve answered too quickly, he looked at the ground, “What else could we do for her? Where would she go? We don’t...Hydra is after her, Buck, only we can protect her.” 

They had been avoided the information they had been given only a few days before...that Hydra is actively searching for the daughter of their leader. When they found the footage of her in the city alone...they sprang into action. 

Bucky let out a breath, an annoyed one, “What is our endgame?” 

“Why do you keep asking that question? Why do you care about where we end up, let’s just pay attention to where we are.” 

“I can’t. I can’t just sit and do nothing, Steve.” Bucky almost shouted, but stopped himself. “I have to plan, I have to have a vision, especially when it comes to her.” He wet his lips, “Only when it comes to her. She...needs that, deserves that. Stability, to know what we...want with her.”

“We don’t want anything from her.” 

Bucky just stared at Steve, “What does she want from us.” It wasn’t a question, it didn’t come close. It was purely a statement, a statement that just about decked Steve in the face. 

“Bucky, where is this coming from? Why are you…” He didn’t know the rest of his question. 

“Y/N and I kissed. On Sunday night.” 

“Before or after your panic attack?”

“After...right after, when I sat alone in the living room, and you went to bed...she...it’s not her fault, we started talking and opening up and it just happened.”

Steve’s eyes searched for something, anything, his eyes darting around. He was clearly thinking deeply and hard about something, but Bucky didn’t know what. “Has she...have you and she talked about it? About what she and you did. About the kiss?”

“No, she acts like it didn’t happen…”

From the hallway, she listened closely to their conversation, and panic was beginning to set in. What she and Bucky did, Steve does not like. She and Bucky at in trouble with him and that scared her. Not ever has she seen either Steve and Bucky upset, nor had she ever seen or heard them argue like this. 

“Maybe we should talk about it, Buck we can’t avoid this, and if this is happening, if this is starting...then that’s what’s happening.” 

There was silence for a long time, before Bucky sighed, “I felt like I cheated on you, I felt like...I used her.” 

“I’m sorry you felt that way…”

Before she could stop it, tears began to stream down her face. And she didn’t know why. A deep, sunken, locked away feeling began to creep up, into her throat and she physically had to place her hand over her mouth, worried she would scream or throw up. Not sure which. 

Y/N did something wrong, and she had no idea how Steve and Bucky would react. Everything inside of her, every fiber of her being wanted to believe they wouldn’t hurt her, but she spent her entire life wanting to believe her father would never hurt her...and yet. 

Next thing she knew, she was sitting in her bed with her blanket up to her face, sobbing into it. What she didn’t know was that Bucky and Steve stood in her doorway, watching her cry into her blanket. 

Steve went first, “Hey...baby girl what’s wrong, what’s going on?” When he saw the look of fear in her eyes, directed at him, his heart almost stopped. “Whoa,” He put his hands up defensively like she was holding a gun to him or something. “It’s okay. You’re okay, why are you crying?”

Bucky knew, “Were you listening to our conversation, Y/N?” 

Quickly, she looked away from them, at her hands. Wishing she would disappear or turn to stone, or that the building around them would just collapse. Something, anything, because she knew she couldn’t hand this. 

“It’s okay if you were, we’re not mad at you-”

“No one’s mad at anybody. We were just talking, not fighting, we promise.” Bucky cut Steve off quickly, making sure to make her feel better. 

“Is what I did wrong?” She finally spoke. 

Steve looked to Bucky, while Bucky looked to Steve. They were quiet for a long time, not sure of how to answer. “Well...that’s what we wanted to talk to you about, lovely girl.” 

“About what Bucky and I did?”

“We kissed, Y/N. And as long as you are okay with it-if you think it was an okay thing that we did-”

“Kissed? Kissed, that’s what it’s called.”

“Well, a kiss.” Steve corrected. 

She nodded. “Kiss.” She whispered to herself, looking at the large windows that looked over the city. A snowy morning in New York. Snow. 

Y/N hates the snow. Steve and Bucky are well aware. 

“Do you kiss?” She asked them, not looking away from the snow-covered city. 

“Steve and I?”

She looked at Bucky and nodded briefly. 

“Yeah, sometimes,” Steve answered. 

“Is it something everyone does?”

“No, only people who love each other very much, and there are different types of kisses,”

“Okay...I liked the kiss, it was...warm.” She avoided eye contact, a little embarrassed and began to fidget with the blanket in her hands. 

Steve looked at Bucky, who was smiling a small smile, one that was full of joy and pride. Steve almost rolled his eyes as he looked back at Y/N. Who was looking at Steve. 

“Steve, can I kiss you?” 

Bucky gasped slightly, before chuckling. “You want to kiss both of us?”

“Am I not allowed to?” 

“No, it’s just that…” Steve thought briefly, “I didn’t think you would want to kiss me.” 

“Do you not want to kiss?”

Steve glanced at Bucky, who looked eager for the two to kiss. “I would love to kiss you if it’s really what you want.” 

She smiled at him as she began to move closer to him, Steve sat on the bed, they sat next to each other for a moment, before he instigated. 

Placing his hands on her cheeks and placing their lips together. It was obvious she wasn’t good at kissing, inexperienced. It was short and cute, a peck on the lips before she pulled away, as Steve let go of her face and opened her eyes and smiled. 

“You kiss differently.”

“Than Buck?” 

She nodded, standing up and approaching Bucky, after a moment of the two looking a each other, she gave him a quick peck on the lips, Bucky’s hands found her hips, and he cocked his head to the side as they kissed. 

“See, different, your hands were on my face and his were here,” She put her hands on her hips. 

Steve nodded, “I saw,” 

“Who’s kiss did you like more?” Bucky asked, feeling a little bold. Steve rolled his eyes. 

Y/N stayed quiet for a moment, “I dunno,”

“Hey, don’t try and protect poor Stevie’s feelings, be honest.” 

“I like both because they’re different and warm.”

“Warm how?” 

“It made me feel warm, like my face.” 

Blushing. The kisses made her blush. That thought sat well with Steve and Bucky. 

“Do you feel better?” Bucky asked her, putting his metal hand on her waist and standing behind her. 

“I have another question.” She said, turning to look up at him.

“Okay.” 

“Am I allowed to kiss you guys whenever I want to? Or do we have to keep it a secret.” 

Something about the question and word choice of ‘secret’ made Steve’s stomach flip. Bucky tried not to show his concern on his face, “Of course, babe. We kiss whenever we want. No secrets here.” 

With a smile, she placed another quick kiss on Bucky’s lips, before quickly walking to Steve to kiss him as well. 

A warm feeling fell over the once cold apartment. Steve proposed they watch a movie, once the movie was finished, they went back to their day-to-day life, feeling more secure amongst each other. Kissing each other as they please and keeping no secrets anymore.


	24. Chapter Twenty-Four

“Stockholm Syndrome...psychological response wherein a captive begins to identify closely with their captors, as well as with their agenda and demands,” Lou read off her tablet, raising her eyebrows and looking up as Y/N fidgeted with her stuffed rabbit. “It is also found in abusive relationships…relationships like yours and Papa.” 

Y/N said nothing, looking out the window, “I don’t want to talk about him today.” 

“We can’t keep avoiding this topic, if you want to heal from him we need to discuss him.” 

When they made eye contact, Lou was a little caught off guard by the sparkly look in her eyes, she was excited about something, to tell Lou something. “What do you want to talk about?”

“I learned about kissing.”

Lou smiled and widened her eyes, “Did you now?” 

She hummed a yes, and brought her feet up onto the sofa with her, sitting with her legs crossed. “I kissed Bucky on Sunday, and on Wednesday, I kissed Steve and Bucky.” 

“Both of them?”

“Yeah, it was really nice, and ever since we’ve been...closer, and I’ve been more open.”

Lou smiled proudly, “I’m glad you can identify that, that you’ve been more open,”

Y/N nodded, “I mean, it’s not like I’m unaware of the fact that I…” She thought to herself for a moment, “I don’t know the English word for it, but I force myself to be by myself all the time, and I know I shouldn’t, and I’m trying not to anymore, I just...I don’t know how to be around other people.” 

Lou nodded, “You’re isolated because you were forced to be isolated your entire life. You don’t know any other way to be, not to talk about him, but it’s his fault.” 

Y/N didn’t really respond, looking away, “I’m…” She started, “I don’t know what to say about him, you know? When I declared I wasn’t afraid of him, I was lying. It was a lie.” Tears began to well in her eyes, “I sit alone and think about him all the time, I think about why I miss him, and if he misses me. I wonder if he is doing okay, or if he cares about how I’m doing. It just questions, I have so many questions for him. I want to just know...because I am painfully aware that I have a lack of knowledge of...everything, of myself, and what has happened to me. I don’t know who I am, because I was never allowed to be myself, I wasn’t allowed to be, or I would be punished-” 

Lou began to type something into her tablet, “I thought you said you didn’t want to talk about it?”

“I don’t. I didn’t.” She couldn’t stop her tears, “I’m sorry.”

“Why?”

“I’m crying.”

Lou felt a heavyweight in her chest, sadness. “Crying is a perfectly natural reaction. This is upsetting, no one wants to remember or talk about their trauma, because no one wants to cry, or be angry.” 

“I’m not very angry or sad.” She answered honestly. 

“No? Do you know how you feel? Can you find a word for it?”

“I’m confused, I’m...lost.” 

Emotionally lost. Those two words became stuck in Lou’s head, “Understandable,” Emotionally lost. “Are you willing to talk about the punishments you were put through? You do not have to if you don’t want to. Seriously, don’t be pressured.” 

Y/N shook her head, “No, no, I…” A collage of broken glass memories came to the front of her mind, “My reward was black coffee, cold black coffee…” 

Lou only nodded. 

“Steve’s voice reminds me of that flavor.”

“And that’s a positive connection?”

The feeling of her father’s fingers on her made her legs tense up, she began to chew on her tongue. “I think so.” She answered honestly. It was obvious to her that Lou noticed her tenseness and anxious expression. “I want it to be.” 

“You’re thinking about something negative though, what?” 

Y/N didn’t say anything, grabbing a throw blanket off the back of the sofa and put it over her lap. It’s a knitted white blanket, probably handmade. Her fingers began to trace the grooves of the blanket. 

“You do that a lot.”

“What?” 

“When you’re anxious, you like to feel things with your fingers.” 

Y/N felt a bit of shame for a moment, taking her fingers off the blanket, and curling her hands into fists, placing them in her lap. 

“I’m sorry I pointed it out, its called self-soothing, it’s perfectly normal, even people who don’t have extreme trauma like yourself do it.” 

“So Steve and Bucky do it?”

“Probably.” 

“Okay…” 

“We can end our session here if you want.”

“I want to tell you one last thing, first.”

Lou nodded and hummed for Y/N to continue on. 

“When I first got here, I had a...whats the word, not memory?”

“Flashback.”

“Yeah, thanks. I had a flashback. I heard Steve’s voice, and I was reminded of this time Papa gave me a reward...him and the doctor-”

“Sorry, the doctor?”

“Doctor Kudr...he and my father did everything together, and he is the one who gave me medicine and helped Papa with punishments.”

Lou nodded, but said nothing, waiting for Y/N to continue. 

“They were talking about the attack to get Winter back, that’s Bucky. I was supposed to do two things for them, kill Steve Rogers, and get Winter back to Hydra...obviously, I failed my mission. But what I remembered was the second part of my reward...being Papa’s good girl for him.” Lou felt a pit in her stomach, understanding what Y/N was implying, “I told myself not to bite the hand that feeds me, but that same hand touched me in a way I didn’t want, in a way that I hated.” Her hands gripped the blanket as she grew angry, “As he touched me like that, I just stared at Steve’s picture on the table, I started to direct my hatred towards Steve Rogers...I told myself it was him touching me, not my Papa...because Papa would never hurt me...but the enemy would…” She took in a deep breath. 

Y/N didn’t even know that about herself. She had no idea she did this, or why it came out. It was like she couldn’t control herself as she spoke, letting it all out. A floodgate of tears began to fall down her face. Her hands covered her face as she sobbed. After a moment, she felt Lou’s arms around her shoulders. 

Y/N just let herself sob. 

She was going to do it, she’s going to do what Lou told her to. 

Nervously, she felt the feeling of the polished wood table under her fingers. Waiting for him to come back from after his day of work. When she heard the elevator door open, she jumped and stiffened up. 

When Steve’s eyes landed on her, he quickly noticed her anxiety. “Baby-” 

She jumped up and ran to him, jumping onto him in a hug, “I forgive you.” She whispered, feeling his hands on her back. 

“Whoa, what? What do you mean?” 

“I just…” She sobbed into his neck, pulling away briefly to look at his face, “I just…” She licked her lips, “I was taught to hate you, and I blamed you for things my father did...and I forgive you, and I know better now...and I’m sorry.” She began to sob again, hiding her face in his shoulder again. Her tears wetting his shirt. 

Steve stayed quiet for a moment, completely wrapping her arms around her torso, feeling her in his arms. “It’s okay, it’s okay…” Was all he could say.


	25. Chapter 25

Bucky had made the same beef stew his mother made all the time when he and Steve were children. He smiled to himself at the sight of the very old fashioned look stew in the new fashion clear glass bowls. “Alright, come an get it!” 

Steve entered before Y/N, “Where’s she?”

“Bathroom,” Steve grabbed his bowl and promptly exited back to the living room, invested in the NEWS at the moment. 

“C’mon baby doll!” Bucky called, after a moment, she entered the kitchen with a smile and sleepy eyes. “Awe, tired?” 

She just nodded her head, normally Steve and Bucky are working around this time, and her midday nap is about this time of day. But they decided to take the day off to hang out, always good to take a break from work. 

She grabbed the bowl in both of her hands and turned around to go to the living room with Steve, Bucky turned to top off his bowl when he heard her gasp and the sound of the glass blow colliding with the ground. It didn’t break, but stew got all over the white linoleum. 

Steve jumped up and entered the kitchen, staring at her. “Y/N?” 

“Hey, what happened, was the bowl too hot?” When Bucky saw her face, she looked scared, staring at the archway to the hall, “Y/N?” 

“I...I saw someone.”

Steve then walked to the hallway, entering the hall and looking around, after a moment he walked down it and they heard him opening doors to look in the bedrooms. 

“Y/N, it’s okay, baby, just breath, all right? We’re here nothing is going to happen.”

Once Steve came back, her shakiness got worse, which confused the two men. “Y/N?”

“I think...I don’t think it was real.”

“What?”

“I think I made it up, or my eyes did, or...I dunno. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean-”

Bucky put his arms around her, hugging her, “It’s okay, that comes with trauma, let’s call Lou and ask her about it, okay?”

Y/N nodded with a sigh, looking at the mess in front of her feet. 

Y/N angrily attacked the punching bag. Letting out all the emotions she could as she punched the bag fiercely. 

She’s started to hallucinate now. That’s what Lou said. 

“It’s a common effect of PTSD,” Lou explained, “I can prescribe her something that will help,” More meds, “And we just need to continue with our treatments.” But why? She wanted to ask so badly. But during the call, she said nothing, just tucked herself into the sofa with a blanket over her and listened to Steve and Bucky try and explain what happened without her help. Why is this starting now? Is it just random? Did she do something she shouldn’t of? 

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw a figure, and completely froze, quickly looking at the figure. To her surprise, Natasha stood on the other side of the room, not really paying attention to Y/N as she laid out a yoga mat. After a moment, Y/N noticed that Nat had wireless headphones in and that Nat actually hadn’t noticed her, or she was ignoring her. 

For a while, they silently did their own things. Y/N punching the shit out of a punching bag, and Natasha quietly doing yoga. 

When Y/N finished, she drank greedily from her water bottle and let herself breathe after an intense workout. “Hey?” Y/N turned to Nat. 

“Hi?” Her small smile made Nat smile back. 

“I was wondering if you wanted to go for coffee or something, you know, have a little girl time?” 

Y/N blinked at Natasha for a moment, “Um, sure. I would love that.” 

The two girls quickly showered and changed out of their gym clothes. As they left the compound, Y/N felt a bit tense in her chest. She’s never left without Bucky or Steve, if not both. Anxiously, she looked at her phone. It was almost 2:30, Steve comes home around 3ish. It’s just coffee, she should be home before Steve. 

But why is she even worried, would he even care? Well...Papa would. Papa would be mad at her. But Steve isn’t Papa, they’re different. 

“You good over there?” Natasha asked. 

“Yeah, yeah. I guess I just dunno what to talk about?” 

“Oh, I understand that. I know that we haven’t really gotten to know each other and I feel bad. I don’t want you thinking that I don’t like you.”

“I never thought that, Nat. I know that you’re busy and stuff.”

Nat smiled at her as they pulled into a parking space, Y/N looked out her window at the small coffee shop, no one sat outside due to the cold weather but inside it looked pretty packed. 

“I’m glad, I do my best to help Steve and Buck when they come to me, but I also want you to know that you can come to me. Steve and Bucky don’t know...girl stuff, and we have similar life experiences.” 

Y/N nodded as they entered the coffee shop, she followed closely behind Natasha as they walked to the counter, “One chai tea latte and…” Nat glanced at Y/N, who had no idea what to order, “One caramel latte. And two chocolate chip muffins.” 

“That will be twelve dollars even.” The young woman behind the counter smiled, Natasha grabbed her debit card and handed it over. 

Y/N eyes wandered as she and Nat waited for their drinks, the coffee shop was quiet, a lot of people there were alone, sat with their laptops and doing work. 

Nat handed Y/N her drink and lead her to a booth in the back corner, “I hope you like what I ordered, it’s pretty basic. I think it’s the same order that Bucky gets.” 

“Okay, thank you. I’m sure I’ll like it.” She did like it, she liked it a lot, drinking a lot of it after her first taste, “It’s really sweet! I like sweet things.” She took another quick drink, “What is it again?”

“A caramel latte, every coffee place on earth serves it, a lot of fast food places serve it too.” Natasha explained, “So, I was curious, what do you do day-to-day? Like, what do your days look like?” 

Y/N shrugged, “The same, quiet. I wake up after Steve and Bucky leave for the day normally, they always make my breakfast for me and put in the microwave. I always journal while I eat breakfast, writing down my dreams if I had any, and how I’m feeling. Some mornings I’m bubbly excited, wanting to do things. While other mornings, I take my breakfast to my bed and stay there until Steve or Bucky get home.” 

Nat raised one eyebrow, “Sounds like depression, which makes sense...how often do you meet with Louise?” 

“Lou?”

Nat hummed a yes. 

“On Wednesdays every week and bi-weekly on Saturdays.” 

“So you like seeing Lou?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m glad, that’s good. Bruce talks highly of Lou, they actually were students together a long time ago, studied a lot of the same things.” Y/N listened as she watched Natasha unwrap the two muffins, putting them on napkins, sliding one over to Y/N, who quickly devoured into it. “Obviously, they went different routes then each other, him being a giant nerd while she’s super into psychology.”

“Nerd?” 

“Oh, I guess you wouldn’t know what that word means, it’s just a person who is into things like science and things like that. 

Y/N hummed, not really wanting to say anything. 

“You all right?”

“Yeah,” She took in a breath, “I guess I’m just anxious, it’s weird being out without Steve or Bucky.” Natasha just nodded, “I feel…”  
“Vulnerable?” 

Y/N nodded, not wanting to talk still. 

“Do you know where I’m from?” Natasha asked Y/N nodded. “Our graduation ceremony, from it…”

“You get sterilized.” Natasha had no reaction to Y/N, “Papa...told me about it, about what you and your sister’s go through, he told me I was lucky that I got to be with him, and not there. That he would never…” She stopped herself, looking down. 

“You don’t have to talk about it if you can’t, or don’t want to. No one will make you...I find a lot of comfort with Steve and Bucky, because of the super-soldier serum, they can’t reproduce either.” That was news to Y/N, she didn’t know that. How would she? Why does she care? “I was wondering if you had been, obviously…”

“Papa wanted me to have offspring.” She whispered so quietly Natasha barely heard her. They were quiet for a while before Y/N’s phone started to ring. Quickly she pulled her phone out and saw Steve’s name on the screen. 

She had two thoughts. 

Answer it. 

Don’t answer it. 

Well, that got her nowhere. 

“Who is it?” Natasha asked. 

“Steve,”

“Are you gonna answer it?”

Looks like Natasha decided for her as she answered the phone and put it to her ear, “Hello?”

“Y/N, where are you? I checked the gym and you weren’t there,” 

“I’m with Natasha,”

“Where?”

“The coffee shop down the road.”

Steve stayed quiet for a moment, “Hand the phone to Nat,” She felt a pit in her stomach, the tone in his voice worried her, giving the phone to Natasha. 

“Hey,” She started. “I-I didn’t think it was a big deal…” Y/N began to chew on the inside of her cheek and feel the leather of the booth seat under her fingers, trying to calm herself down. Her anxiety was spiking, the panic was starting to steep into her. Like a teabag in hot water. Lou said the word spiral once. 

Steve is mad at her for leaving, for not asking to leave. Steve was not only mad at her but was mad at Natasha as well. Steve is mad at Natasha and it’s all her fault. She got Nat in trouble. She and Nat were gonna have to go back to the compound...that's what caused it. 

“Okay, we’ll head back now. Goddamn.” Natasha looked up, going to hand Y/N her phone when she froze. 

Y/N was having a full-on panic attack, her hands shook violently, as she tried to cover her face, her body beginning to curl into itself. “Whoa, whoa, Y/N it’s okay. Steve isn’t mad at you.” Natasha tried to stand up to get herself closer to the distressed girl in front of her. 

But Y/N was focused on something else, sat next to her...Papa. But that can’t be, it’s not real. It’s not him, it can’t be. No, no, no, no. Goddamn no, please no. 

Natasha almost fell over when Y/N bolted out of her seat and took off running. “No! Y/N!” Natasha chased her out of the coffee shop, Y/N didn’t make it to far when Natasha just threw her arms around the distressed girl, holding them there, in the middle of the sidewalk. 

For a long time, the two stayed like that, finally, Y/N settled down and became embarrassed at her outburst. They rode back to the compound in silence. When they pulled up to the front door, Steve and Bucky stood outside, watching the car stop. 

Y/N froze for a moment, Natasha noticed. “Take your time.” She whispered. Steve didn’t get the memo on that part, opening the door and grabbing Y/N out of it, trapping her in a hug. Trap. 

Y/N felt like a caged animal, she didn’t want this. She didn’t want anything at the moment, she wanted for no one to touch her, look at her, acknowledge her. She wanted to be completely ignored, invisible to everyone else. Because that is more comfortable than this. It’s easier. 

Papa would punish her, that’s easy, she knows that. If she left without telling, left for no reason, there would be punishment. With Steve and Bucky though, she didn’t know what would happy, that’s hard, not easy. An unknown and that is more terrifying than any punishment her Papa could ever give her.

When Steve let go of her, he saw his error almost imminently, watching her body language carefully. She was as stiff as a metal pole, her hands clenched into hard fists. Her jaw flexed and eyes not meeting anything but the floor. 

“Baby doll, are you okay? What happened?” Bucky and Steve knew she was upset, and that she probably had an episode of some kind. 

“Y/N, I am not mad, Bucky is not mad. No one is mad at you, we were just worried. Okay?” Steve went to touch her face, but when she flinched he felt imminent guilt. 

Natasha watched, a little nervous after what she witnessed. 

Bucky sighed, “I’ll take her up.”

Steve focused his attention on Natasha, who watched as Bucky walked Y/N into the building. “What happened?”

“When you and I started talking she...panicked, she ran, she didn’t make it very far, but she still ran. Something’s going on again.”

Steve couldn’t shake that feeling, the guilt. Entering the apartment, he found Bucky sitting on the sofa with his hands to his face. “What’s going on?”

“She won’t talk, locked herself in her room, something’s going on.” 

Something’s going on. Why do they keep saying it like that?

Steve rubbed his face, “She didn’t say anything?”

“No, nothing. I tried to get something out of her, but she just ignored me, didn’t want me to touch her. Steve, we went from kissing her a few days ago to her not wanting to look us in the eyes.” 

“Hallucinations,”

“What?”

“What if that’s what it is, what if she is...seeing things?”

Y/N lied in her bed, curled in a ball. Just starting to come down from her crying fit. The feeling of someone on her bed made her tense up, she didn’t want Bucky or Steve right now. She wants to be alone. Without them. Lou’s words came to her.

“You’re isolated because you were forced to be isolated your entire life. You don’t know any other way to be, not to talk about him, but it’s his fault.” 

The sound of her father’s voice shushing her only further blurred her reality, she opened her eyes, and felt fingers on her temple, pushing her hand back. “Daughter,” This caused her to jump off her bed pretty violently. 

Once her feet landed on the ground, reality hit her like an electric shock. Looking at her bed she found nothing, but the lingering feeling of her hair being pushed out of her face, and her voice burned her ears. 

Don’t think about it too much. She told herself, flying out of her bedroom, into the living room, where Steve stood with his hands in his hair, and Bucky sat on the sofa, looking at Steve. The two men stared at her for a moment, afraid to move, not wanting to spook her away. 

Y/N opened her mouth to speak, but closed it, not knowing what to say. Not just that either, for a moment, all English escaped her, thinking in Russian, she decided the turnaround and go back to her room. To Steve and Bucky’s disappointment, but then to their surprise, she came back into the room holding the white stuffed rabbit Lou gifted her. 

Again, she stood in the archway of the hallway and living room, but not for very long, deciding that she would sit on the sofa, not the same one as Bucky though. 

After a moment, Steve moved to sit next to Bucky. 

“Wanna watch cartoons?” Steve asked quietly. 

She was silent for a while, feeling the soft ear of the toy between her fingers. “Y-yeah, okay.” Not looking at them, she whispered that. 

They turned on random cartoons and they sat in silence for a long time. 

When it started to snow outside, she tensed up again. “Snow.” She whispered. 

At first, they were confused, when it hit Bucky. “Yeah, it’s snowing.” He confirmed, was she worried she was...hallucinating snow?  
When her head barely nodded, that confirmed it for him. 

“Y/N...did you...see something?” 

With that question, she blinked and tears dropped from her eyes, she looked at them, her Y/E/C eyes burned them, “Papa,” She started with, “I saw Papa, he was sitting next to me in the coffee shop, and just now he...I didn’t see him, I felt him, I heard him. I knew it was him, I don’t want it to be him. I don’t want to be-” She took in a shaky breath, that wasn’t her full statement, was it?

I don’t want to be?

There’s more to that, has to be. 

“You don’t want to be what?”

The feeling of electricity jolted through her again, and she got a violent chill up her spine. “I...I don’t want to be crazy.” She whispered it and knew where that electricity was coming from. Why she was feeling it. Why the fingers of her Papa touched her temple. 

“Hey, hey, no, don’t think like that,” Steve said, standing up, to their surprise she didn’t react to him standing, so he moved to sit next to her. Not touching her just yet though. “You’re not crazy, you are dealing with trauma, we all go through it, yours is just a little more extreme. There is nothing wrong with you, or what’s going on with you.” 

What’s going on with you. 

For some reason, those words lingered in front of her mind. She didn’t know why though, it’s not that they bothered her, she understood what Steve was saying, but it didn’t sound like him saying it. 

After a moment, she sighed, “Can we just...put this on a shelf for a little while?”

“No,” Steve answered promptly, “We can’t ignore this kind of stuff, Y/N.”

“I know, that’s not what I mean, I just...I don’t want to give attention to it, I don’t want attention because of it.” Bucky was eerily quiet. Watching the two together, “Can I ask a question?”

“Of course.” 

“Were you mad at Nat?”

When Steve fell quiet, her eyes moved to Bucky, who quickly looked away. “You were, weren’t you!” She seemed almost angry with them. “Why? She didn’t do anything wrong.”

“No one did-”

“Then why were you mad at her?” 

Steve exasperated, which only made Y/N stand up, separating herself from them. But to their surprise, she wasn’t walking away, she faced them, confronting them. “We didn’t know what happened, and we got worried about you when we didn’t find you in your normal spots. I was angry with Romanoff for not telling me where you two went, for not telling me that she...did something with you.”

Steve called her Romanoff, not Natasha, not Nat. Did something with you. 

“Did something with me.” She echoed, thinking. “I can make my own choices.” She whispered. Then quickly regretted it, a jolt of electricity came up her spine, and she felt dizzy, her head pounding with pain. Right in her temples. Though, she was good at not showing it. 

“Yes, you can. Y/N, you are perfectly capable of making your own choices, we’re not arguing that.” Bucky quickly spoke up. 

The fact that Steve stayed quiet made Y/N seethe with anger. “Do you not agree?” 

“It’s not that I disagree, because I don’t. It’s just that there’s more to it than that.” Steve answered, still completely calm. “Y/N, I hope you can see my perspective when I say that you have done things that make me more inclined to be worried when you disappear.” 

When she rolled her eyes and crossed her arms, Bucky almost laughed, while Steve felt a bit of frustration. “And by that, you mean that you don’t trust me.”

“I didn’t say that. It’s not nice to put words in other people’s mouths.” 

“Don’t speak to me like I’m a child.” 

Steve’s face told Bucky what was going on in his mind. Steve is not a fan of being sassed, that’s a fact that everyone learns quickly. And normally by now, Steve would have said something but he’s letting her get away with it. 

“I’m sorry, I’ll watch my tone.”

She stood there quietly for a moment, looking away from him and at the ground, “I’m not going anywhere Steve...I promise.”

“Can you really promise that?”

She made a face on confusion and anger at him, “What does that mean?” 

Bucky went to speak, but Steve beat him to it. “Can you promise that you won’t go anywhere? Because you know that for sure you won’t go anywhere and that you’ll stay here?” His condescending tone told Bucky that Steve was past anger. 

“Wh-what do you mean?”

“Well, would you say that today is an example of you keeping that promise?”

“I don’t know? N-no.”

“Steve,”

Steve glanced at Bucky. 

“Just leave it be, let’s go to bed, and we can talk about this in the morning-”

“No we should tell her, she has the right to know doesn’t she?”

“Know what? Now you have to tell me!” 

When they fell silent, she felt a wave of frustration letting out an angry sigh and turning to walk away from them. “Y/N,” Steve spoke, causing her to stop dead in her tracks, “Hydra found some footage of you when you left in the city. And now they’re coming to...get you back.”

Her lack of reaction was a reaction within itself, staying silent. For a beat, she kept her back turned to them, “Okay? I was still with Natasha, I can take care of myself. That doesn’t change where I’m coming from.”

Steve sighed, “That doesn’t...make you see my perspective?”

“I don’t know, I...no it doesn’t. It doesn’t change that you shouldn’t have gotten mad at Natasha, it doesn’t change that you don’t trust me, it doesn’t change that you treat me like a child-”

“Y/N!” Steve stood up. At first, Bucky jumped, instinctively ready to butt-in between them, expecting her to flinch at Steve’s action. But to all their of their surprise, she didn’t. “I don’t want to lose you! I’m sorry I got worried, I’m sorry I got angry with Natasha. I’m sorry that we’re fighting right now. Okay? But I have reasons for the things I do.” 

Y/N blinked at him. 

I don’t want to lose you. 

That’s what he said, out of pure emotion. Her brain went in many different directions after he said this. A part of her wanted to believe it was true, that he said it without intention, with emotion. But another part, a darker, meaner part told her that he’s lying. She didn’t know who to believe. 

Y/N didn’t respond, didn’t know how they were arms-lengths away from each other. So she did what felt right. Her fingers landed on his neck as she inched closer to him, when his hands around her sides, holding her back. Y/N burst into tears and hugged Steve with all her might. 

Bucky smiled at the two, Steve glanced at him and motioned for Bucky to join the hug. “We’ve had a long day,” Steve said after the three just held each other for a while, “Let’s just...relax in bed?”

“Together?” 

“Yeah, together.”


	26. Chapter 26

Bucky lied quietly next to Y/N, watching her face twist in discomfort. A bad dream was obviously clouding her sleeping mind. Bucky didn’t want to wake her up though, something told him that might make it worse. She’ll be just as scared out of the dream as she is in the dream. So he waited patiently for her wake up. All he could do is sit and wonder. 

Y/N’s hands are numb with cold and lack of blood flow, Dr. Kudr stood at a metal table, doing something that was too fuzzy and far away for her brain to even try and comprehend. Muffled talking, but not a voice she recognized. 

Once the talking got clearer, it sounded like Steve, but the sight of her father confused her. “Daughter?” He’s speaking English...that’s not...Steve? As she sat there, she tried to get up, but the feeling of tight leather around her wrist told her she wouldn’t be getting up. 

Something feels off. 

“Are you comfortable?” Papa asked, approaching with a calm demeanor. This is normal to him, nothing feels wrong to him. “Daughter?” His red eyes flashed blue.

Y/N purposefully blinked at him, “Tight,” Her voice is so far away, she’s trying to reach out and grab it, but she just can’t reach out far enough. 

Papa looked at her for a moment, his facial expression told her that whatever she said didn’t make sense, “Too tight,” She tried again, after a moment, he crouched down in front of her, looking at her face. 

“My daughter...my very good daughter...you made a mistake today.” Fear manifests itself in the sound of electrified metal touching. Kudr approached with the metal bars in his hands. “I can’t have a daughter who makes mistakes.” 

Y/N wishes she could say that she freaked out, fought against them. But she didn’t. Instead, she dealt with the tightness as the feeling of pure concentrated pain flowed through her nerves. Both activating and killing any feeling left in her. But, it felt so warm. 

When she woke up, she realized how warm she actually is. A wet type of heat clung to her body, her muscles ached and temples throbbed. Muffled voices. 

“She has a fever,” Winter. That’s Winter, no...that’s not it. 

“Okay, I’ll call Cho, get a cold washcloth and try to bring it down.” Papa?

Attempting to open her eyes, she felt a cool liquid drip onto her cheats and neck, then finally something cold and wet lied across her forehead. 

“Hey, hey, dollface? Are you awake?” 

When her eyes opened, everything was bright and spinning. Without thinking, she reached and grabbed aimlessly. 

When her hand came tightly around his wrist, Bucky felt his heart sink a little bit. “Hey, it’s okay, I’m right here. Stevie is going to get Cho, you’ll feel better in a bit.” She began to whimper, clearly very upset and in pain. Bucky didn’t say anything as he positioned himself differently, lifting her up so that he was sat against the headboard and she was laying on top of him, her back to his chest. 

This action caused her to quiet down again, but she continued to mumble something. “Tight, warm,” She reached up and pulled at her sweater weakly. 

Bucky hesitated but acted quickly once he decided. Having her sit up, he slowly and carefully pulled the grey sweater off of the feverish girl. Thankfully, she wore a tight black tank top under the sweater. 

For the first time in a long time, her brand has been exposed. Bucky almost forgot about it. When she crashed back onto his chest, she remained quiet, feeling comfortable again. Bucky knew why she dresses the way she does, sweaters and sweatpants, with piles of blankets over her most of the time. But they also keep the apartment at like 77 degrees (Fahrenheit), so she probably does end up getting warm. The brand is probably on the back of her mind though, and her need to hide it. 

After a while of them laying like that, Steve and Cho entered the bedroom. Steve seemed almost a little surprised at the sight of the two. Cho, on the other hand, was quick to spring into action. 

“I’m gonna give her a little bit of medicine that should bring the fever down if it doesn’t please alert me as soon as possible.” Cho then grabbed a thermometer and placed it in Y/N mouth, who was awake and aware but said nothing. Cho looked at the thermometer confused, “Well, you do have a very high fever,” Cho spoke to Y/N directly, handing her two pills, “My best guess is that you caught something while you were out with Natasha,” Cho then turned to Steve, while Bucky gave Y/N water to take her medication with. “Please make sure she stays rested, I would skip any appointments with Lou until she is feeling up to it...make sure she stays hydrated, and call me when her fever breaks.” 

“Busy?” Bucky asked Steve, about Cho. 

“I think so, she was doing something with Bruce and Tony when I got there.” 

Bucky hummed in response, glancing down at Y/N, who’s eyes were closed, but she was obviously listening to them, “Do you feel good enough to eat?” 

She just shook her head, reaching down to grab the blanket when she paused, “My sweater,” She began to look around, seeing it bunched up and laying on the ground. 

“Hey, maybe we should keep the sweater off?” Bucky proposed, making a pleading face at her, “We need you to stay cooled down, if your fever gets too high we’ll have to bring you to the hospital.” Her lack of response was upsetting, but she wasn’t arguing. 

Steve stood at the end of the bed awkwardly for a minute, before he sat down and looked at her, she was tired, but she didn’t want to sleep. “Bucky are you good if I go back to work?”

“I’ll be fine, I’ll try and get her to sleep. Have a good day,” Steve approached Bucky and they exchanged a quick kiss. 

“You too, I’ll try to get out of it early. Fury should understand. I love you.”

“We love you too,” Bucky smiled and glanced at Y/N, who’s eyes were closed, she had turned to her side on top of him and seemed to be asleep. 

Y/N spent the next two days in and out of sleep, officially diagnosed with the flu. Finally, though, it came to a bitter end. 

It was dark outside, and Bucky and Steve were not in the room, but that familiar feeling was there. Nausea is a known but indescribable feeling to her. Something about it made her entire body sway from side to side like she just got off a boat. It holds itself in every part of her body, in different ways. The throbbing her temples has never gone away, still there, but something told her it had nothing to do with her illness, but with the nightmare she hadn’t gotten around to think about. 

Her body reacted before her brain could even try to. The fog in her head only began to clear at the violent and lewd sounds of vomit. The feeling of hands in her hair told her that at least Steve or Bucky was in the room with her. 

Once she was done throwing up the little bit that was in her stomach, Steve tried to get her to drink out of a water bottle, but she turned her head away. “You need to drink something, you’re gonna get dehydrated.” He mumbled in a deep, rumbly voice. His ‘I just woke up’ voice. 

Y/N hadn’t moved from Steve’s room, she knew that. But it wouldn’t be surprising to her if Steve and Bucky slept in Bucky’s bedroom, not wanting to get ill themselves. 

To his surprise, she just turned around, so they were chest to chest and she wrapped her arms around his shoulders. Not obvious to him, she was trying to fight sleep, but her exhaustion made her feel like she weighed a ton. 

So he just sighed and picked up her, holding her in the best way he could so that she wouldn’t have to remove her arms from around his neck. Steve made the in the moment decision to stay with her, instead of going back to bed with Bucky. 

After a while of holding her to him, staying quiet and wake awake, Bucky came into the room, confused and tired expression written on his face. Once he saw the position they were in though, “Awe, daddy Stevie-”

“Don’t, I heard her getting sick...and she won’t let go now.” 

Bucky tried not to laugh, “She must not be feeling well, to want to cuddle you.” The glare that came from Steve told Bucky that he was not in the mood. Bucky put his hands up defensively, “All right, all right. Damn, moody. I would think you’d be in a better mood,”

Steve glanced at him confused for a moment, before realizing what Bucky was insinuating. The reason that they had not slept in here with her is that they wanted to have some Steve and Bucky private time. “Shut up.”

“What’s wrong?” Bucky’s demeanor changed, sitting on the bed and reaching out to put his hand on Steve’s arm, “Did she…”

“No, no, it’s not her. I’m just...worried.”

“I know you’re worried, we’re all worried.” Bucky couldn’t even try and act like he didn’t worry constantly about her too. “I know we talked about this, but do you ever think of a future...and she’s there?” 

Steve remained quiet for a moment, watching as Bucky got onto the bed and lied down next to them, Steve moved to put her between them, but her death grip didn’t let up, the two of them chest to chest, holding each other closely. Steve smiled, “I do, I picture us in bed like this a lot...her sleeping to my chest like this...it makes me feel buzzed.”

“Like alcohol buzzed?”

“Kinda, but like physically too, on the inside.”

“Like, butterflies in your stomach?”

“Exactly that.”

Bucky smiled, looking at the two of them, “I always picture us in a house on a lake, like the one you were looking at before I came back.” He didn’t mean for that to sound the way it did, “You know,” Steve smiled and gave a small nod. “I like the idea of her swimming in the lake whenever she wants, or just...I want her to be outside whenever she wants, I want her to have more than an apartment-”

“Hey, this is a pretty big apartment,”

“I know, but that doesn’t change that it can feel like a concrete bunker sometimes and if there were no windows, she would have lost her mind ages ago.” 

Steve nodded, Bucky would know. “Do...do any of us like the cold?”

“No, not even a little. I fucking hate the cold.” 

Steve smiled to himself, “We don’t have to live in New York you know, we can live out of state, go somewhere warm?”

“And be away from the Avengers? Steve, you’re their leader,” 

“They’ll manage without me just fine if I want to retire, I can retire.” 

“Only if we get to be there,” Bucky said, them both looking at the sleeping girl. 

“There’s no other way, it wouldn’t be retirement without you two.” 

Bucky leaned forward, placing a kiss on Steve’s jaw, then on the back of her head. “Goodnight, Daddy Stevie.”

“Fuck off,”

“Language.”

Steve stayed quiet for a moment, “I love you too, Buck.”


	27. Chapter 27

Y/N illness brought the three closer, oddly enough. To them, it felt like a test. To her, it tested if they were actually willing to care for her if she needed them to. To Steve and Bucky, it tested what she was willing to let them do. 

The lingering feeling of mistrust was always there, in all parties...but now they know. There is trust, there is love. 

As she looked over her list, she completed all but two. All but two. “How long will it take me to complete mastering English?”

Steve and Bucky looked up at her, both a little bit of surprise and worry in their eyes. “Um...technically it could take years, if ever really, but that should be something you decide. When you feel confident you’ve mastered it, that is when.”

Y/N pondered, “I’m close to completing my list,” 

“Yes, you are…” Bucky feared he knew what she was getting at. 

“Are you two doing anything else today?”

“No, we’re um, we’re done with work for today,” Steve answered. 

That feeling in her stomach didn’t change, didn’t fade. She didn’t want to say she knew what she had to do to make that feeling go away, but she had an idea of what she had to do. “I have a strange feeling.” Saying that helped a little. “And I don’t know what it means, or what to do about it.”

“Maybe we can help.”

“Exactly,” She wanted to stand up and walk to the bedroom, not say what she had to, hoping they would just...know. But how would they? “I want to have sex...with you, both um, both of you.” 

Steve choked on his drink while Bucky stifled a laugh. “Y/N...are you sure?” Steve asked, reaching over to place his hand on her arm, “You…”

“I mean, I am sure. I’ve wanted this for...long enough.” She started to think that her ‘proposal’ was maybe a bad idea. “I have this feeling in my...stomach and my chest that won’t go away no matter what I do...I’m starting to think that it’s there for a different reason than I think.” 

“Explain?” Bucky asked, leaning forward and placing his chin on his hand. 

“It’s weird, weird…” She whispered the word the second time, “I feel like...this is my only chance. What if I don’t reach out and grab this opportunity now...then I won’t get another chance to do so.”

Steve pondered for a moment, “Your chance, the opportunity you’re taking is...having sex?” 

She sighed and tried not to roll her eyes, “No, no...well technically yes, to make it simple, I want to have sex. But for more reasons than...how you’re making it sound.” 

Bucky smiled fondly at her, “More reasons?” 

“I want more? More of this, I want to be...more with you.”

“You want a stronger...bond?”

When she fell silent, her eyes became a little glassy, but not the sad kind of glassy, but with thought, wonder. “Bond…” She echoed the word, both understanding what it meant and was confused by it. “Does sex made a bond strong?”

“I can, normally...it’s a big step people take in their relationship, it’s about trust and vulnerability.” Steve explained, “It’s why we’re so...I guess spooked by you’re offering. Are you ready to trust us like that, to show us that?” Bucky and Steve weren’t ignorant to the fact that she had to have been sexually abused, there was no question to it. It was in her body language and the way she talks about her father. Not to mention she was a ‘reward’ for assassins who did a particularly good job. 

“When I say this, it’s going to sound wrong. I feel like I should.” 

“You’re right, that does sound wrong.” Neither of them was upset though, their demeanors didn’t really change at all, “What do you mean?”

“Lou always talks about...going out of my comfort zone, and doing things that are scary. That I should push myself forward,” 

“When she talks about that, does she mean sex?”

“She means whatever I interpret it as.” 

Steve chuckled quietly, “You’re serious about this, aren’t you?” 

“Yes. It’s not like we can’t...stop.”

“You’re right, you’re exactly right. You say the word...this is for you.”

“Now?”

“When you want.”

She thought to herself, before smiling, “Tonight at nine, on the dot...in Steve’s bedroom.” With that, she stood up, waving goodbye and rushing to her bedroom. A little frantic, she couldn’t control her giggle or her nerves. 

For a moment, she stood in thought, looking around her bedroom, not sure what to do. “Okay. Okay. Okay.” She ran to her closet and decided to figure out what she would wear. “Red...red…” She looked over the red lingerie set, “No, no...too Hydra-ish.” She threw the red to the side and began to look over a white set and a pale dusty pink set. “What’s that...way that people decide things?” She rolled the question around in her head, before noticing a set she hadn’t noticed before. A black set. “Oh, oh...this.” She grabbed it and rushed to the bathroom. 

Running a bath, she had one goal, make herself look, smell, and feel pretty. Looking at herself in the mirror, stood in her robe. “You are…” 

Lou told her that it’s a good idea to compliment herself at least once a day, even if it has to ‘come from someone else.’ 

“Steve thinks that you are...brave,” She smiled, feeling good about what she told herself, “Bucky thinks that you are...beautiful.” Nodding her head a little, “Beautiful and brave…” She cleared her throat, “Y/N, you are beautiful and brave.” 

With a little too much hesitance, she removed her silky robe and stepped into the water that was so hot, steamrolled off of it. As she sunk into the bath, her skin bubbled with goosebumps and anxiety. 

For a long time, she just soaked herself in the water. Feeling herself physically begin to relax. For what felt like the first time in...too long. It’s not that she hasn’t been relaxed, it’s that she’s been...busy. Though that’s not the right word. 

Y/N has refused to let herself think her thoughts for...so long. Because her thoughts are more terrifying than anything else...because her thoughts are like a pack of wolves fighting to eat a deer carcass. It’s bloody, violent, relentless, and a fight for dominance. 

When she got out of the bath, it was a little past eight. So she tried to do what she thought she...no, she did what she wanted to do. 

Lotion, perfume, makeup, nail polish. Things that made her feel how she wanted to feel. Beautiful. And Brave. There was something so brave about doing these actions, the things her father forbade. 

“Only whores wear makeup.” He told her once after seeing a woman with a smile covered in a bright red cherry lipstick. 

She couldn’t stop herself from giggling as she applied at color to her own lips. “I look beautiful.” She told herself. “What does he know anyway?” Her eyes rolled and she leaned back, looking at herself in the mirror. 

When her eyes fell on the Hydra symbol branded on her arm, she almost regretted this. Her choice to do all of this. Almost. 

Looking at the clock, it was 8:57. And she was more than ready. Over her lingerie set, she grabbed her robe again and pulled it over herself. When she came face to face with her bedroom door, her nerves hit her like a train. “Oh, oh, oh...it’s okay. It’s okay. Beautiful and brave. Don’t overthink it.” 

When she opened the door, she came face to face with Bucky, who’s hand was raised, ready to knock. He smiled nervously, “Oh. Hi.”

She smiled, “Hi?”

“Are you...ready?” He reached forward for her to take his hand. 

“As I’ll ever be...that’s the saying, isn’t it?” 

They took hands and started down the hall to Steve’s bedroom. “Yes, yes it is. You’ve learned so much.” 

“Too much?”’

“I said so much.” Bucky reached up to touch her cheek with his knuckle. 

When they arrived at Steve’s door, they could hear his muffled voice, like he was quietly arguing with someone. Hesitantly, she knocked on his door. After a moment, he quickly pulled it open. Almost in relief, he smiled at them, “You’re right on time.” 

They entered his room, both excitement and anxiety surrounded the three. Adrenaline. “Are you...ready?” Steve asked, grabbing her hand, feeling her small hand in his large one. 

“I am...I really, really am.”

“More than ready, eager, it seems.” Bucky whispered gruffly, his hands landed on her hips, “Is there anything you had in mind, for us to...do?” 

“Kiss me?” She whispered, her mouth and lips dry. When Bucky’s lips touched her neck, her entire body shivered and tensed. 

Steve watched, “Are you okay?”

“I am, it’s just, new.”

“Good kind of new?” Bucky asked, placing another kiss on her neck. In a particularly good spot. 

“Very good,” Her hands found Steve’s chest, feeling the fabric of his t-shirt under his fingertips. When his hands cupped her cheeks, she closed her eyes and let him kiss her in a way he never had before. 

With both of them on her like this, it was a lot...not too much, but a lot. It was a lot of stimulation, which wasn’t a surprise, but it reminded her of a lot of other things. The same jittery feeling you get while running from an enemy, but not...danger? Something similar, but not exactly. 

Fear of the unknown? Perhaps? 

“Still with us?” Steve asked, noticing her lack of movement. 

She quickly nodded her head, “I am, sorry...I feel floaty.” She giggled. 

“On cloud nine, are ya?” Bucky asked, there was something so odd about them. Normally Bucky is the quiet and gentle one, reluctant to act. While Steve is cocky and quick to act. But here, now, Bucky has control, while Steve seems to be holding back. 

“Do you want to feel even better?” Steve whispered in her ear, looking at Bucky. 

All she could do was nod, a ping of fear in the back of her head. When Bucky grabbed her hand and led her to the bed, she quickly realized that they were doing this, it’s happening, this is real. 

“Are you okay, Doll? You’re shaking?”

“I’m nervous...I don’t want to stop.”

Bucky and Steve looked at each other for a prolonged moment, “It’s up to you, we’re not trying to pressure you. You can tell us to stop if you want, if you need, this is your call-”

“It’s okay! It’s okay! I want this, am I not allowed to be nervous?” She was picking on them, a sassy smile on her face and all. 

Steve rolled his eyes, putting his hands on her cheeks again, and then putting their noses together, nuzzling them. This caused her to giggle, and lightly push him away. “Awe, Stevie!” 

“C’mon goofballs, let’s have some real fun.” Bucky sat her on the bed, “Steve do you wanna go first or?”

“You’re the expert.” Steve chuckled, getting onto the bed as well, she didn’t notice Steve sitting behind her though, because Bucky was removing his shirt. Steve grabbed her from under her arms and pulled her back, her back hit his hard chest hard enough to pull her away from the sculpted man in front of her and to the sculpted man behind her. 

“Wait, the expert? At what?” She asked, turning to Steve. 

Bucky chuckled in a deep, growly voice, “You’ll find out.” 

“That doesn’t clear anything up,”

Steve hummed, “We know, wanna take your robe off for Bucky?” 

She just nodded and reached for her robe tie, but Steve was already untying it. When he began to pull it off, Steve and Bucky tried to hide it but they were a little surprised. She got dressed up for this, makeup, hair, all of it. And hot damn, she looks good as fuck!

“You look so fucking sexy.” Bucky’s voice, words, him as a whole, it shook her in a way nothing ever has before. 

“Th-” She wanted to reply, but how do you respond to that? “Thank you,” Bucky barely heard it. 

Bucky leaned down over her, and kissed her, he started with passion, on the mouth. Slipping his tongue in, then he moved to her neck. She didn’t realize until she tried to touch Bucky that Steve was holding her hands in his. He wasn’t holding her down in a way that scared her, in fact, she kind of liked it. 

When Bucky’s lips kissed her left breast, she smiled and watched him with curiosity, with each kiss, he was getting lower and lower on her body, until he was looking up at her with wondering eyes. “Tell me what you want?”

“What I...want?” She felt out of it, and her skin burned with anxiety and pleasure. And nothing had even happened yet. 

“Do you know how to do that? To say what you want?” Steve whispered, “Just tell Bucky what to do, and he’ll do it.”

She smiled with mischief in her eyes, “Even if I asked him to bend over backward?” 

“You know it,” Bucky smiled, his fingers hooking her panties, “But I was thinking something more along these lines?” As he began to pull them down something inside her twisted in a strange way, but she stayed quiet. 

Repeating in her head that she wants this...that she has to move on. 

“Are you ready?” Bucky asked, reaching up and putting his hand on top of hers. 

Slowly, she nodded her head, “Yes…” Ready for what? She wanted to ask, but she very quickly learned. 

Bucky studied her for a moment, watching Steve with a careful eye. Steve understood his queue, grabbing her chin to kiss her. Bucky waited until she was fully distracted by Steve before slipping her panties off her entirely, and gently pulling her legs apart. For a moment, she noticed, before Steve whispered something, she nodded and Steve began to kiss her neck. 

Feeling adventurous, he felt her with the pad of his thumb, going along with her clit. She imminently was pulled away from Steve, her hips flinching pretty violently, her eyes targeted on Bucky. 

Steve then reached and grabbed her sides, “You’re okay, it’s okay...did that feel good?”

Her chest heaved a little, before she finally blinked, “It...felt like a bolt of electricity,”

“Warm or cold?” Bucky mouthed. 

“W-Warm.” 

Bucky moved his thumb more, just in a simple up and down motion, causing her to get wetter. When her lips came to a flat line, her eyes closed, and hands fisted the sheets, Bucky smiled. Steve was struggling a bit to keep her from moving too much, “Let her go, Stevie...I don’t think she’s going anywhere.” 

Hesitant, Steve let go of her, but when her hands flew to grab his, holding them tightly, Steve smiled. 

“I think you’re gonna like this part,” Bucky whispered, leaning in closer, and quickly flicked out his tongue. 

“Oh-” It was almost a moan, it was almost what Bucky was searching for. Her hips had bucked again, causing Bucky to wrap his hands around her thighs. 

“Tell me if I’m holding too tight.” Her lack of response told him that she wasn’t worried about that, she just wanted more. So he gave her more, he’ll give her whatever it is she could possibly desire. And more. 

Steve watched with all the patients he could, starting to feel a bit left out. He knew she noticed his erection, but she wasn’t doing much for talking at the moment. Watching Bucky eat away at her like he’s been starved for a thousand years...it got to him in a way he didn’t understand. Bucky has always been the more experienced of the two, it made Steve truly wonder what Bucky would get up to back in the day. 

Bucky was honest with Steve when they first started doing stuff, Bucky was...adventurous with other men, even back then. Steve wasn’t really adventurous with anyone. Men or women. But having an experienced partner is...pretty great. 

“Fuck!” When the word escaped her mouth, Bucky only got more eager, clearly encouraged by her outburst. “Oh! Fuck!” She said louder, and she actually began to moan. Just...moan, which surprised both men. 

“Bucky!” After that, she whined, and Bucky pulled away, smiling at her. 

“Yes, doll?” He whipped his mouth on his arm, leaning in to kiss her, but when she pulled away from his face, the smile dropped and he was imminently concerned, “Are you okay? Warm or cold?” 

“Too warm.” She answered, reaching up and wrapping her arms around him. For a moment, the two of them just hugged, when she pulled away she looked embarrassed, “Thank you...I’m sorry…” 

“Hey, hey, why are you sorry?” Steve asked, sitting up and putting his hand on her shoulder. 

“I-I don’t know, I just didn’t know what else to say…”

“Then don’t say anything, baby girl...you don’t have to say a word if you don’t want to.” Steve whispered, leaning forward, bumping his nose to hers, which caused her to smile and giggle a little, “See, happy girl.” 

She nodded, before looking away from both of them, “Is there anything you wanted to do?”

“You want more?” Bucky laughed, “I’m sure Stevie here could use a little attention...wanna learn?” Bucky gestured to Steve’s hard-on. 

“Learn what?”

“What to do with it.”

“I know what to do…” She whispered quickly like she was embarrassed. “I’d still like to though…” 

“Good girl,” Bucky whispered to her before kissing her cheek, they waited a moment for Steve to excitedly strip, when it sprang out of his underwear, she fought a smile. 

His physic was perfect in every place, there was no doubt...and it’s not that she was scared...but it might be even a little too large.

“Ready?” Bucky asked Steve seemed like a weird mix between anxious and excited. Inpatient. 

With a nod, she moved closer to him, and reached out carefully, wrapping her hand around him, she began to move at a slowish pace. After a while, Bucky grabbed her hand and removed it, Steve protested by opening his eyes and groaning. “Now, now, Stevie. I gotta help our girl.” Bucky brought his hand to his mouth, and proceeded to spit into her hand when she made a face at him, he chuckled, “This will make it easier to move on with our hands, now try.” 

Hesitantly, she began again, this time she started a little faster, eager to show that she knew what she was doing. When she began to use both hands in a rhythm, Steve began to moan quietly and tensed up. 

“Wanna use your mouth?” Bucky whispered loud enough for only her ears. 

When she nodded and started to move down, Steve’s hands instantly moved to her hair. Bucky grabbed one of his wrist, “Stevie,”

“‘M not gonna do anything...I just gotta hold somethin’.” 

Bucky nodded but watched as she began to bob up and down if you didn’t know any better you’d think Steve was in pain with how badly he was straining his muscles. But his eager side was showing itself, and they didn’t want to scare her out of this by doing something drastic. She needs to be in control of this. Every move they make, whether she knows it or not, she dictates. 

Bucky sneakily began to stroke himself with his flesh hand as he watched her, when she started to use her hands as well, he was a little impressed…maybe she does know what she’s doing. Steve opened his eyes a little, looking at Bucky, which told Bucky that Steve was close. 

“Babydoll?” He hummed, putting his mental hand on her shoulder gently. “Do you want to try the...real stuff?”

When she came off, Steve leaned his head back, like he was trying to focus. “Real stuff?”

“Sex?”

When she nodded, Bucky quickly moved so that he would be able to coach them easier, “With Stevie?” She asked quietly, looking at Bucky. 

“I think Stevie would like that very much.” 

Y/N nodded eagerly, and watched Bucky, waiting for instructions. “Like this, babydoll.” Bucky moved her so that she was on top of Steve, her hands resting on his chest, the groove of his collar bones under her fingers. She gently moved her fingers over them, “Stevie is gonna be in control of this part, is that okay?”

She hummed a yes and nodded, looking forward at Steve, who’s head was now leaned forward. With a chance, she leaned her head forward a little bit, placing a kiss on the top of his head, this caused him to look up at her. “Babygirl,” He whispered, kissing her and placed his hands on her hips, she didn’t really notice that he was moving her down until she felt him at her entrance she yelped a little and pulled away, looking down. 

“Warm or cold?” Steve asked. 

“Warm, little chilly, but warm.” It was obvious that she was both nervous, and not stopping this any time soon. Y/N was determined like she is with most things. But this was...oddly different. Of course, it was different, that was obvious, but the reasons why she was determined to do this were unclear to the boys. 

“Okay, okay,” Steve whispered as he continued, easier now that she was also moving. “Take it slow.” He said in a commanding voice, which caused her to look at him with frustrated eyes, “I don’t want to hurt you, we need to take this slowly.” 

All she did was nod but continued at a quicker pace than Steve liked, so he looked at Bucky, who was watching her very carefully. 

The head was in and she groaned, both in pain and pleasure, “Slowly.” Bucky’s commanding voice was one she was more inclined to listen to. 

She let out a slow and smooth breath, “I can take it,” She replied, not looking at Bucky. Almost afraid of his reaction. 

Before Bucky could respond, she went down quickly, taking most of Steve. “Ah!” She yelped, her branded arm coming up to cover her mouth. 

“Y/N! Be careful” Bucky scolded, while Steve was fighting to move. 

When she began to move back and forth, she slowly began to inch down on Steve, who was going mad. “It’s okay, Stevie. You can move.” She whispered in his ear, Bucky didn’t hear what she said, but figure it out as soon as Steve began to buck his hips up into her. 

Watching them begin to go at it caused Bucky to calm down a little bit, and when they started to get more of a rhythm going on, Bucky leaned back on the headboard and began to stroke himself again. 

Steve leaned forward, putting his face in her neck, breaking heavily and trying to focus on not cumming just yet. “I’m almost there.” He muttered. 

“Go ahead,” She replied. “I wanna fuck both of you,” She said loud enough for them to hear, Bucky’s eyes went wide...he never thought he would ever hear her way that. Meanwhile, it’s those same words that sent Steve over the edge. 

The feeling of his...seed inside of her was a strange one, and for a moment, she sat in that feeling. The feeling of him inside her without any movement...it made her feel full, but not in the way you feel after eating...in a way that she never realized. She really had never noticed how empty she feels inside? 

“You wanna fuck both of us, huh?” She was pulled out of her thoughts by Bucky’s hand on her jaw, lifting her head up a bit so she was looking up at him. 

For a moment, confusion came to her. Looking at Steve, whose arms were wrapped around her body, holding tightly. His face hidden in her neck, she noticed that her hands were in his hair and she was holding him just as tight as he was holding her. 

“Yes, both of you...both.” She was reminded of earlier in the night as Bucky lifted her off Steve, causing both of them to groan. Bucky placed her on her knees over him. Out of the corner of her eye, she watched Steve aggressively rub his face, laying down on his back. She knew he would be asleep in a matter of minutes. 

“Both, huh?” Bucky began to lower her, “So you’re enjoying yourself?”

“Uh-huh, a lot.”

“A lot?” His head got to her entrance and she prepared, looking down a little and curling her hands into fists, “Look at me,” Hesitantly, she looked up, and he kissed her as he pushed in. She moaned into the kiss, but he didn’t let her pull away, trying to distract her. 

When they pulled away, to his surprise, she placed her forehead on his...like she had that night all those nights before. When she first expressed these feelings and he...rejected her. Bucky smiled as he started to move, he watched as her eyes glazed over with pleasure and her lips hang apart slightly. Her face is flushed and eyes are watery, but this is a lot...how she hasn’t become overwhelmed by all of this is surprising to him. But it’s something she wants really badly, badly enough, anyway. 

When Y/N came, it caused him to cum almost instantly. Bucky hadn’t realized how close he was. 

With exhaustion, they fell onto the bed, and stayed that way for too long. When Bucky realized she was asleep, he knew he had to get up to take care of some things for them. So he hugged her tight, and released her close to Steve, hoping he would put his arms around her instinctively. Thankfully, his plan worked. 

When he got up, he looked at his phone. 12:01 AM. Well shit. 

Hazey, she opened her eyes, things were fuzzy, but there was something damp and wet on her leg, when she looked down, she flinched. Bucky was carefully cleaning her off. 

“Oh, I’m sorry!” Bucky quickly acted, reaching to hug her. “I didn’t want to wake you up,”

“It’s okay...Buck.” She yawned, reaching forward to try and koala bear him. 

Bucky chuckled, grabbing her wrist and putting her hands back to her chest, “Stay here, I’m gonna get water.”

When Bucky returned with the water and t-shirt for her, she was rolled over, face to face with Steve, who was dead to the world. She was smiling though. 

“Don’t wake him,” Bucky said casually, sitting on the bed. 

Y/N sat up, slipping out of Steve’s arms a little, Bucky put the shirt on her and handed her the water to drink. Bucky smiled at the sight of her greedily drinking the water, you’d think she had never had it before. 

When she handed the water bottle back to him, she looked at Steve again, “Sex is nice.”

“Yes, that’s the point of it.”

“I know but...I didn’t.”

“I know,” Bucky lied down, moving closer to her so that she could stay in Steve’s arms, and he could hold her. “We’ll make sure everything is nice, warm...what you want.”

“I know. Thank you.”

“You don’t have to thank me.”

Bucky watched as she thought about responding, but she didn’t, electing to just put her head on her pillow and closing her eyes. Bucky smiled and placed a kiss on her forehead, then one on Steve’s. “Sweet dreams,”


	28. Chapter 28

Steve and Bucky were called to mission less than 48 hours after they had their night together. Hydra was becoming ‘overactive’ again, and it was worrying them. So they decided it would be best if they took off to do something about it. 

“We’re sorry to leave so soon after,” Steve whispered into her neck. 

Y/N looked up at them and smiled, “It’s okay! It’s not your fault! Besides, I’ll be here when you get back.”

Bucky nodded softly, before looking behind him at the quinjet that was waiting for the two men, Natasha watched with a soft but emotionless look. “We love you,” Bucky whispered to her. “So much…”

“I love you too, dorks. Now go before Natasha stopped being fake mad and gets for real mad.” They kissed her cheeks and turned away. She watched them leave out of sight before making it back to the apartment. 

Y/N wouldn’t argue or deny that the apartment sucked without them. It was cold and quiet, two things she hates. Lou told her the best way to deal with it is to distract herself with other matters. So she tried to watch a movie, but she couldn’t find one interesting enough, then she tried to read a book from Steve’s bookshelf in his bedroom, but they were too hard for her to read. 

Until she came across a beaten up one, and when she pulled it out, she learned it wasn’t a book for reading. But for drawing. Opening it up, she found sketches of all kinds of things...it had to be Steves, but she didn’t know he was into art. 

As she continued to flip through the charcoal stained pages, she found one that felt familiar. It was of her, the first day she stayed in the apartment, when she had fallen asleep on the sofa in the livingroom...looking at herself she saw how different she was then. 

A twisted facial expression, hollowed-out facial features, the drawing in front of her wasn’t really her. She’s completely different now. But she wouldn’t leave that girl behind, she could carry her along. To prove that things get better...with time. 

When they got a report of multiple Hydra aircraft in the New York area, Steve and Bucky both flew into an instant panic.

Bucky and Steve were racing with time itself. Silently praying and hoping that they would enter the apartment and that she would be fine. That she would be asleep in her bed. “Y/N!” Bucky shouted as he and Steve crashed into her room. But to their gut-wrenching horror...no girl laid in the bed. 

“Fuck,” Bucky let out a sob, placing his hand over his mouth and dropping his rifle on the ground. Steve ran his fingers through his hair and began to pace around the room. Their lungs stung from the lack of oxygen. The air in the room is cold, no, it’s freezing. 

“Stevie? Bucky?” Bucky and Steve quickly turned to the door, and there she stood. Looking sleepy and overjoyed. Her eyes were trained on Steve, “Hi!” She turned to Bucky’s direction and was met with him pouncing onto her, holding her tight to his chest. It felt like he would never let her go. Steve let out a shaken breath, a breath of fear. He walked to them and grabbed her head carefully, pulling her closer to plant a kiss on her head. “Are you okay?” She finally asked, looking up at them. Clearly noticing their high anxiety. 

Bucky nodded, and just leaned his head down, putting his face in her shoulder. From the way his chest was moving, she knew that he was crying. “Buck?” She whispered, her hand reaching up to put into his hair. 

“We...we thought that maybe you were in danger, we’re just...we’re relieved,” Steve said, putting each hand on their shoulders. He couldn’t stop himself from planting a kiss on her head again. Y/N turned to look at Steve but held onto Bucky. 

“Stevie-” 

Bang

Bucky’s ears rang violently. He reached out to try and feel something, anything, but all he felt was Steve’s chest. When he looked up, his vision began to clear. About six men stood in the room, and two were grabbing onto and trying to subdue the fighting girl in her pajamas. 

“Y/N!” Bucky tried to shout but felt like there was a truck lying on his back. 

Her voice only became clearer and clearer to him, “Steve! Bucky! Please! Please help me!” She then decided to pull a few tricks on them to get them off, and it worked for a moment. Before the man in charge took a whip off his belt and snapped it. 

Bucky’s heart sank at her reaction to it. Y/N eyes shifted from fear to numb, her body stopped moving and she just stood there. They put cuffs on her and began to walk her onto the vehicle that was level with the smashed window. 

The man in charge, Bucky didn’t recognize. He crouched down to them and stared at the unconscious Steve, then to the struggling Bucky. He spoke in a heavy Russian accent, “They gave up on you, Winter. All they want is the girl. Don’t try to get her back.” 

“Like hell I won’t!” Bucky growled, feeling adrenaline starting to pump through him. 

“Then you’ll have to catch up.” Then the pounding feeling of a hit with a heavy object caused Bucky’s head to spin, then there was nothing. 

Y/N eyed the whip and asked herself how he knew. It’s not that she didn’t remember it, it’s that she thought that only she and Papa knew about it and that only Papa knew it’s whereabouts. 

“Daughter.” They spoke in Russian now, the tallest man, but not the biggest, said to her. “Are you going to put up a fight?” 

Her eyes moved quickly to look around her, could she? “No.” Her answer was in English, but they all knew the word. The tallest man grabbed the back of her neck and jerked her forward, making her lean over so he could access the cuffs that held her hands behind her back. The cuffs broke loose and he let go of her, tossing the cuffs aside and sitting on the bench with her. Flashing images, memories flooded her. 

No. God no, please no.

When his hand landed on her knee, she grabbed his wrist, tightly. Her eyes stayed forward, looking at nothing. Unblinking and beginning to tear up. Choosing she would speak in Russain for now, “Papa wouldn’t be happy about this.” Her voice was both calm, commanding, small, and filled with fear. 

The tallest man chuckled and put his other hand on her chin, pulling to get her to look at him, but she fought harder than she had before. “Your father is no longer in control of Hydra little girl, we can do whatever we want to you.” 

Another chuckled, she didn’t see who though, “And you do seem to be a little rusty, got no fight for you.” She looked at the whip again. 

No, no, no! 

Y/N’s eye’s clenched tightly, and her grip on his wrist began to actually hurt him, “Hey, let go.” He pulled away, and she let go on command. But what happened next wasn’t what she was expecting. 

“Gentlemen. Do not harm the product.” That voice. Her eyes looked at the man who entered the small area with them. Her mouth suddenly tastes like rubber. Doctor Kudr. The man’s slim frame towered over everyone, even with his horrible slouch. The way he moved to her was like a villain approaching the princess in the Disney movies. Sinister excitement wrote on their expression, like a dog who just got a new toy. His cold fingers landed on her jaw, just under her ear, and traveled to her chin. His thumb caressed her bottom lip. She considered biting him. 

“D-Doc…” 

“Shh, here.” His other hand came from behind his back holding a water bottle, he offered it to her, “This will make you feel much better, my dear.” Everything inside her told her no, but all the eyes on her told her yes. 

Bucky and Steve lied in their hospital beds. Tony stood in the corner of their private room on his cellphone, in a heated discussion with whoever was on the other end. Nat and Wanda slept quietly together on the small sofa, it’s surprising that both of them fit on the tiny thing. Sam sat on a chair near Steve, looking at his phone. 

“Y/N…” Sam looked up at Steve, who had just muttered her name. Tony also looked, a worried expression on his face. “Y/N.” His voice became a bit louder, and the expression frantic.

“I gotta go.” Tony hung up on whoever it was and quickly walked to the bed, pressing the button to call in the nurse and standing over Steve, waiting, at the ready for his eyes to open. 

“Y/N!” His eyes shot open, but like a metal pipe the head, imminently became disoriented and exhausted. 

Sam thought about grabbing Steve, “Whoa, whoa, settle down, man.” 

Steve’s eyes remained half-open, but he was attentive, “Is she...we’re...okay?” 

“Steve, she’s not here. We haven’t been able to track them yet. But we’re trying!” Tony assured, “You and Bucky have only been out since last night. You’re both expected to be okay by either tonight or tomorrow morning.” 

“No, I gotta...no. Tony we need…” He struggled to breathe for a moment, both Tony and Sam were at the ready to put the oxygen mask over his face. “I have to find her.” The words stumbled his mouth clumsily, like a drunk man leaving a bar. 

“We will, man.” Sam put his hand on Steve’s arm, assuring him. “We will all help you to get her back.” Sam looked up at Tony, who’s expression wasn’t much, but it was agreeing. Though, he was quickly taken away from it when the nurse entered. 

“Oh, he’s awake, let me get Cho.” She exited, and before anyone could say anything, Tony’s phone began to ring. Waking Wanda. 

“Steve, you’re awake.” She was quickly wide awake, standing up, and pulling the hood to her hoodie down. Steve nodded but said nothing. Wanda smiled as she approached, “Do you mind if I…” She gestured her hand, asking if it was okay for her to look around to see if he was okay. 

“Go right ahead.” Steve’s mouth was dry as cotton and he looked at Sam, “Water?” Sam nodded, getting up to leave to get some water. Wanda’s hand glowed red as she explored Steve’s body, her eyes closed and a focused expression. 

“You’re doing good, other than a concussion, and obviously some...mental distress.” Steve nodded and looked at Bucky, who almost looked peaceful in his hospital bed. “Do you want me to look him over as well?” 

“Best to wait for his permission,” Natasha spoke, her eyes still closed, and she hadn’t moved from the position she was sleeping in. She then gestured at Bucky, who’s eyes moved frantically under his eyelids, and his metal hand twitched. 

After a moment of them watching him, he let out a heavy breath but kept his eyes shut. That wasn’t long when he took in a sharp breath and opened his eyes, beginning to cough almost imminently. 

“Whoa, Buck-” Steve sat up a little, even if his body told him not to, “You’re good, Bucky...it’s okay.”

“Where is she?” He asked, panicked. 

“We’re on that right now. We have some operatives in known Hydra locations right now.” Tony said, getting off his phone, “So far, they haven’t been able to find her, but we have four of the six men who took her, and they’re going to be flown here, and will most certainly feel the wrath of you two,”

“We have to get out on the field-” 

Steve was cut off by Tony putting his finger in the air, “And waste my time? I’m not letting that happen.” His time? Steve thought to himself, sitting up properly. “No, we’ll get her location out of those fucking morons, as to not waste time and energy.” 

“He means money.” Natasha chimed in, resulting in a chilling glare from Tony. 

“Either way, it will be quicker and more efficient, and give you two time to heal.” 

“What if they…” Bucky didn’t finish. 

“Hydra views her as an important asset to them, right? Why would they put her in any fatal positions? Even if Vikram isn’t running the show anymore, someone who likely respected him is.” 

Somehow, that put Steve and Bucky more at ease, but they were still at the ready to jump out of their hospital beds if it meant that they could get to her quicker, but all it would do was cause more harm than good. 

They’re only human.


	29. Chapter 29

Classical music filled her ears, and without even opening her eyes she knew that the room has no windows. When her eyes did flutter open, she found herself strapped to an odd bed...and experimentation table. She also quickly noticed that she was in a white tank top and white underwear, and her body is covered head to toe is goosebumps, indicating that it’s quite cold. As she tried to move, she discovered that her feet and hands are completely numb from the cold. She lied awake on that table for hours. 

When the door opened, she tenses up, and taste rubber in her mouth. The doctor, four men with guns, and a man Y/N had never seen before entered the room. The door is thick metal and has multiple locks. 

“Y/N…” Kudr smiled at her as he approached. “How are you feeling.” The doctor felt a little surprised at her lack of an answer, and followed her eyes to the man behind him, “Oh, dear, no need to be afraid. This is Iosif Preobrazhensky.” 

That last name...is not one you forget. “I’ve met your father…” She said, not looking at him anymore, but at the room around her. “Petya, my father called him Dog.” A smile began to creep onto her lips. “He was obedient, a good boy.” Her eyes landed on his, and she saw the anger flash through his brown eyes. 

“Speaking of, your father, do you know what happened to him?” 

Y/N hesitated, looking at the doctor, then closing her eyes and readying up to put on a show, “Papa’s dead.” 

“What? How?” 

“Cancer.” When you lie, make it 90% truth. She told herself. 

The room fell silent for a moment. “Never mind.” Kudr spoke, “This is about you, and your rehabilitation.” 

Y/N narrowed her eyes at him, “Rehabilitation?” 

“After what Sheild and those Avengers have done to you. We need you back in shape and ready to serve Hydra again.” The tone in his voice told her what would be happening to her. All she needs to do is...avoid punishment. 

“Okay…”

“I ran many tests, you’re in perfect health, have you been having intercourse?” 

“N-No.” 100% lie. 

“Strange.” Was all he said. Then, he turned to her and began to release the straps that kept her pinned to the bed. 

Panic was wiggling its way into the deep crevasses of her mind. Survive, it’s all you gotta do...Steve and Bucky will be here soon enough. Right? Hopefully. 

Iosif watched carefully, as she sat up and moved her knees closer to her chest, and breath in a specific rhythm, she then looked at him and he felt complied to look away. 

“I need clothing, proper clothing.” She said to the doctor, who hummed and nodded. Walking away and grabbing a pile of clothing and a pair of boots off a table, giving them to her. The men watched as she put the black pants on, and then the tight black long sleeve, and finally, the black leather jacket. 

“Gentlemen,” Iosif spoke, turning to his men to speak to them, Kudr also turned to participate in the conversation. 

Her bare feet touched the cold ground, and something inside of her snapped. Slowly, her hand inched to the metal table beside the bed, and she grabbed a scalpel. Rather than using it then and there, she stuck it in her sleeve, which was tight enough to hold it in place against her arm. Carefully, she bent over and began to put the boots on. 

“You’re going to be preparing for your first mission.” 

“And what would that be?” 

Kudr noticed her more confident personality, but he liked it. 

Iosif stared at her for a moment, “Intell.” 

“You have no other use for me?” 

“We can’t risk you running off to go back to your little Avenger friends.” 

She blinked at him, “You’re under the belief that I liked it there?” 

“You fought my men.” 

“You should understand my concern...your men tried to fuck me on that ship. None of the Avengers ever did anything like that.” 

“Did they now?” 

Something told her not to answer, as she looked down and then at the rest of the medical tools on the metal table. 

Her and her father’s little home in the base. With a bathroom, kitchen, sitting area, and their bedrooms. But Y/N had never been in her father’s bedroom before, she wasn’t allowed. Most of the time, she was confined to her bedroom.

Hesitantly, she opened the door to the small room, and inside was how she last remembered it. A lightbulb hung from the ceiling, a small dresser stood near the door with books piled on top, all Russain childrens books. The metal-framed bed with dirty sheets sat made and sat on the bed, a dirty white teddy bear. 

She took the scalpel out of her sleeve and sat on the bed, staring at the sharp metal tool. She pressed her thumb on the sharp edge until she drew the smallest drop of blood. The sight of it made her jaw clench. 

The man grunted as he went at her, she grabbed her arm and threw him back from her. His back hit the metal bars, knocking the wind out of him. 

Iosif’s expression changed, from stoic to somewhat impressed. “You’re strong.”

“Yes, sir, that would be the serum.” That word piqued her interest. Kudr continued, “Our dear Daughter here, has as much of Howard Starks super-soldier serum flowing through her veins as she does red blood cells.” He was exaggerating, obviously. 

Y/N was Kudr’s pride in and joy in many ways. No matter what experiments he put her though, she always turned out fine and ready for more. 

The man she fought left the blocked off area and two more men entered. They moved in a circle around her and came at the same time. She yelped as one man grabbed her from behind, pinning her arms, and as she attempted to kick the other man away he grabbed her legs. 

That nightmare, that she had in the hospital flooded back to her. Panic began to settle in her bones as the two men struggled to keep a hold on her as she tried to get out of their grasp. Tears welling up in her eyes and her skin chilling from the cold around her. 

“No! Fuck!” She screamed in English, kicking one of the men in the face, getting him to let go of her, his nose becoming bloody, with that, her feet landed on the ground and she dug her heel into the foot of the man holding her, and quickly elbowed him in the stomach, as he let go, she turned to him and kicked him in his groin. 

Iosif watched as she attempted to catch her breath, tears slipping out of her eyes. “You’re panicked easily?” He got no response from her. Something he didn’t appreciate. “Answer me, girl.” 

Her eyes flickered up to him, “What tells you I panicked?” 

“You’re crying.” 

“Out of breath.” She excused. Despite the fact that he was right, she had panicked...if her father was here she doesn’t want to think about what he would have done to her at the sight of tears in her eyes. 

He nodded his head, leaning away from her. “What did you learn about the Avengers in your time with them?” 

“Nothing. All I know about them is what I learned from my father.” 

“And that would be?” When she didn’t any anything, he put his hand on his gun, “Girl, I want an answer.” Again, no answer, he pulled out his gun and the doctor grabbed his arm. “Oi-”

“Iosif, please. You cannot expect her brain to work properly with how often we’ve…” He moved his jaw in a strange way, “Performed electroshock on her, speaking of which, it’s your call if we put her in that chair again.” 

“Not until I get what I want out of her about the Avengers...she has to know more than she’s letting on.”

Feeling bold, she asked, “So you’re just under the impression that they tell all their prisoners their secrets?” The word made her feel ill, she had to chant in her mind: You were not their prisoner. Steve and Bucky love you. “Iosif, permission to ask you a question?” She needed to change the subject before they questioned the statement. They did not find her a prisoner, she knew that they knew that. But she has to change their reality of what happened, even if that means changing her own. 

Out of curiosity, “Granted.” 

“Why didn’t you take Winter?” 

“The Winter Soldier is too far gone at this point,” 

Kudr raised his finger, “Likely not so, just because he is James Barnes.” Bucky Barnes, she corrected him in her head, “Doesn’t mean that Winter isn’t deep in his subconscious. The reverse of what it once was. James was always there, never left, we just made him...go dormant, it is likely how it is now, but Winter is the dormant one.” 

With every last bit of her brainpower, she held onto that information. Something told her she would need it, that it had to stay in the back of her mind. 

Kudr strapped her into the chair, positioning her arm out. Tears already in her eyes. He gently caressed her head, and kissed her hair, “I know my dear, you hate it. But it has to happen.” Needles...god, she hates them. He held the needle up, examining it for a moment before he began to slowly insert into her vein, causing her to jump and cry harder. “It’ll just be a moment, you’re acting ridiculous.” Kudr walked away, putting his needle down, the classical musical starting. Her eyes drifted away for a moment, to the taxidermied butterflies on the walls. 

“What would your father think of you, throwing a fit?” He approached, holding a book in his hands, reading the page. She just gulped back her sob and wished her hands weren’t strapped down so she could clear the tears from her face. “I just need to run some tests, and I don’t need you acting this way. You’ll feel rested.” 

“Kudr…”

“My dear?”

“You don’t let anyone but you touch me...please?”

Kudr’s eyes softened, “Why would I do such a thing, I can’t taint something so pure and beautiful.” 

Another set of tears slipped as she lost the feeling of awareness, her eyes beginning to close on their own. Fighting to stay awake, she heard the sound of something wiring. Like a machine...then there was nothingness. 

The feeling of something soft under her fingertips jolted her back to reality, her eyes opening in a panic when she tried to sit up, she overwhelming feeling of exhaustion beat into her. “Oh, fuck.” She muttered in English. 

“Is that all you know how to say in English?” That voice? Her eyes traveled to look next to her, she’s in her bedroom, but she’s not alone. Iosif sat in a chair with the whip her father used in his lap. “You speak it when you’re frustrated,” 

Y/N didn’t reply, closing her eyes and groaning. Too out of it to care about him at the moment. 

“Y/N. I want to know what you know,”

“I don’t know anything! I just don’t!” She snapped, coming too a little more. 

“You’re lying!”

“I’m not! I was held by myself most of the time, and if I was with anyone they weren’t talking about the Avengers!” 

“They?”

“Steve Rogers and Winter.” 

“I see...what did they talk about.”

When you lie, make it 90% truth. Like a prayer, like it would save her life, she repeated it in her mind. “Fixing me.”

“Fixing?”

“Changing me...to not be Hydra’s Daughter anymore.”

“You say it like you want that.”

Y/N fell silent. Her eyes closing as she turned to look away from him, “What do you want?” She said finally, “What do you really want?”

“Your father had a plan for a long time, one that got mucked up time and time again.” Iosif smiled, “Ther plan was that when you got to the right age, your father would impregnate you, but Kudr talked him out of it...fearful of how the infant would turn out, being the product of incest. So Vikram tried to have you and Winter...breed...but it was unsuccessful every time until finally, Winter was corrupted.” 

“Wait...Winter and I…”

“No, that was the problem. No matter how many times your father tried to get you and him to have intercourse, Winter refused.” 

So...she was a ‘reward’ for him more than the one time? Did Bucky know that? Did Bucky know about her father’s plan? 

Y/N wasn’t ignorant to the fact her father wanted her to have offspring, for the same reason he had her. 

“The plan before you and Vikram were lost was that you and I would conceive a child.” Fear struck her hard and fast, like a kick in the face. Iosif smiled at her, “I didn’t understand his...obsession. Why he thought that Hydra needed to be like...a family inheritance, not until I watched you, actually watched you.” Her eyes closed tightly as tears began to form, Isiof stood up, beginning to take his pants off. 

“You don’t have to do this.” She muttered through broken sobs, which only got worse when he grabbed her arms aggressively and sat her up on the bed. 

“I know I don’t have to.” He sat on her bed and began to whip her tears away. “I want this, for you...if you become a mother, Y/N, you won’t have to fight anymore, you can just raise your child.”

“So they can fight? So my child can become the next me? I don’t what that!” She tried to push him away from her, but he grabbed her wrist, stopping her, “I can only beg you not to do this.” 

“Beg all you’d like.” What bothered her so much was how calm he is, how this doesn’t bother him...doing this to her didn’t upset him, he didn’t feel bad. And maybe that was her bad, expecting that he would...pity her, or something? “Are you gonna fight me?”

Hesitantly, she let out another sob and shook her head, “N-No…” She took in a breath and lied back down on the bed...letting him do whatever he pleased...she tried to think about Steve and Bucky, but her brain was glitching, forcing images of them doing this to her into the front of her mind. So she just blanked out...staring at the frost-covered concrete she called her bedroom walls. 

When her eyes landed on the whip sitting on the chair, and she couldn’t stop thinking about her father. Papa...she told herself for her entire life that he wouldn’t let this happen. Yes, yes! He had his own fun with her...used her but not like this, he never had...intercourse with her. Not against her will. Or at least, she wanted, needed to believe this. Because if she knew the truth of her father...of the person, the monster he truly was, nothing would break her more. Nothing.


	30. Chapter 30

Not knowing where she is, what’s happening to her, or why they took her back drove Bucky insane...but there was something that drove him even more insane. Steve and Bucky couldn’t save her, they couldn’t stop them from taking her...she cried for their help, and there was nothing they could do. That made Bucky’s stomach turn, his skin craw, and his shoulder ache...while yes, it was normal for his shoulder to hurt, but it was acting up more than usual, it was becoming a consistent pain and he didn’t know how to stop it. 

He didn’t want to take too many drugs or put numbing cream on it. Mainly, he didn’t want Steve to notice. Even when the pain was so bad he wanted to moan and groan, even cry. But he would just give an excuse to be alone. 

“You know exactly where they took her. Winter!” Bucky’s metal hand made a sharp, deep dent in the medal table. The action caused a sharp, deep pain to strike down Bucky’s spine. Steve just groaned and rubbed his face, before he grabbed Bucky by the metal arm and dragged him out of the room. Natasha stood outside the door, looking at her phone, a careless expression on her face. 

“Buck.” Was all Steve had to say before Bucky began to sob, wrapping his arms around Steve, desperate to feel even a little better. “Bucky…” Steve whispered, rubbing Bucky’s back, “I need you to try and stay calm.” 

Bucky basically snarled at Steve, “And how do you expect me to do that? I don’t…” He swallowed his emotions, looking at anything but Steve’s eyes, “I don’t know where or what he’s talking about.”

Natasha clicked her tongue, catching their attention. They stared at her for a moment, before a smile formed on her face, “Would you like me to try?”

Steve rolled his eyes in a more annoying way than he meant to, “Nat...”

“Steve,” She huffed, “He’s the only one actually saying anything...maybe we need a different approach. Brute force isn’t always going to get you somewhere.” 

Neither of them said anything, watching her walk into the room. After a beat, they quickly followed her in. The man watched Natasha with an animalistic eye. 

“We all know what we know,” Natasha spoke, sitting at the table, “You have the information I want, and I have the information you want.” 

He raised his eyebrow to her, “What is this?”

“You have a poor grasp of English?”

“I understand,” 

Natasha nodded, before glancing at Bucky, who was staring between them intensely. Almost like he was zoned out. “Tell me where our girl is, and I’ll tell you where yours is.” 

Steve tried not to express his confusion too harshly, his shoulder tensing. While Bucky didn’t even blink, and it was obvious to Natasha that Bucky was too deep in his own head to be listening to anything going on in the room. 

“How did you...how do you know?” 

Natasha smiled, “Where is she?” 

“I only know the coordinates.” 

“Get a pen and paper.” 

Natasha stared at the numbers before her. It was the middle of butt-fuck know where in the Russian tundra. Which wasn’t surprising. It was likely underground, deep enough to hide so many things that needed to be hidden. 

Bucky felt robotic...like how he had back then like he was in a dream that he couldn’t wake up from. There’s something both terrifying and comfortable about this feeling. It was a feeling he was so used to and familiar with, he knew he was...safe. That the other side of himself, that...Winter would protect the two of them. Steve tells Bucky that it’s good for Bucky to separate himself from Winter. But to Bucky that almost feels like the wrong thing to do, but if he does see himself and Winter as the same person then that makes Bucky a murderer…

“Buck!” Bucky flinched and jerked his head to look at Steve, he was quickly riddled with fear and melancholy again. Tears welled in his eyes and he looked away from Steve’s eyes. “Bucky...I’m sorry.” Steve approached and reached out for Bucky to hug him. “I know this is...horrible.” Horrible...that’s not even close...there’s no word for it. “I miss her too, so much, so, so, so, so fucking much it’s eating me alive.”

“I just...wish we knew that she was okay.”

“She is...they wouldn’t do anything drastic...Vikram isn’t there to call the shots...Y/N a smart girl, she can outdo them.”

Bucky nodded, feeling a little better but not letting Steve go. Tony is making them wait until at least sunrise before they can head to the location that Natasha got. Which they hated more than anything, but where would fighting with Tony get them? Absolutely fucking nowhere.

Steve convinced Bucky to at least lay down while he made them something to eat. Steve knew that this was effecting Bucky in a different way than himself. Bucky was sad, frustrated, scared. And don’t get him wrong, Steve as well...but if anything Steve was beyond concerned, which is obvious, but it was a concern that Bucky didn’t have. Or at least, Steve doesn’t think that Bucky is concerned about this. 

What if Y/N forgets them...what if they have to start all over. All of this work over these months, they made it so far. So fucking far. And if they have to backtrack, it will break Steve’s heart. He can’t watch her go through that again...and he can’t even begin to imagine what she was going through herself. He couldn’t allow himself to think about it, or he will let his emotions just swallow him whole. 

Worst-case scenarios played on repeat in Bucky’s head, they always did. That she was beaten and tortured, that they were forcing her to kill people, that they were starving her. All of the horrible things they did to him...the feeling of electricity in his bloodstream. 

“Buck, I made your favorite,” Steve said gently as he put the plate of food down on the nightstand with their water bottle. 

Bucky smiled as he started to scarf the food down, “Are you gonna eat?”

“My dinner is heating up right now...tired at all?”

“Not really.”

“Me neither.” 

They fell quiet for a long while. 

“Are you...thinking about her?” Bucky asked quietly like he was afraid to ask. 

Steve nodded, sniffling as tears stung his eyes, “All I can do is think about her.”

“Me too...worst case seniors just keep...running around in my head, chasing each other like cat and mouse.” 

Steve nodded, knowing all too well what Bucky had meant. The two ate their dinners and lied in bed silently the entire night. It was a night where neither of them really rested, but it felt like they slept because there would be a large gap in time that they don’t remember. But exhaustion was prevalent and overwhelming...but they couldn’t let themselves sleep, not even for a second. A soon as the sun began to rise, both men jumped up. More than ready to get their girl back.


	31. Chapter 31

Halfway through her daily sparring session, she had to turn away to throw up her small breakfast. After she vomited, her eyes trained on Iosif, who was smiling. “We’re done for the day. Y/N isn’t feeling well.” His voice, his eyes, him. She felt a rage in her chest that she had never felt before. Not even towards her father.

Y/N wanted to believe a lot of things...a lot of things. She wanted to believe that Iosif was an evil liar, that her father didn’t want this for her. But she somehow...just somehow knew that he wasn’t lying to her, because why would he? He doesn’t need to lie to her, because he knows she’s too smart to fight back. Knowing that he could kill her with easy, knowing that he can do whatever he wanted to her with ease. So for her safety, she will comply. 

Sitting on the examination table, she let herself cry in front of Kudr, who was ignoring her for the most part, starting to set it up to take a blood test. “You know how much I hate it when you cry.” 

“I’m sorry...I’m just sad.”

“I know you miss your papa, darling girl. We all miss our leader.”

She tried not to let that affect her in the way it did. That isn’t why she’s upset. Not even close. They are doing a blood test to see if she’s pregnant...that is horrifying. It disturbed her that there is even a slight chance that she would be having that monster’s baby. 

A baby...here. In this place. He would be so cold...he would be hers to care for. How? Just how? The girl can barely care for herself, let alone the life of the helpless child…

The feeling of a needle invading her body caused her face to twitch into upsetment and her entire body tense up. She gets nothing that she had. 

Steve and Bucky didn’t touch her if she didn’t want to be touched, they gave her space if she wanted space. She was allowed to hide her body, to be sad, to stay quiet, she was allowed to do what she wanted...she was allowed basic human decency. 

When Kudr left the room, Iosif entered. “You’re sad?” 

She didn’t answer him, to her mistake. Flinching back, he grabbed her throat in his hand, holding her there. Her hands instinctively grabbed his wrist. 

“Answer me, whore.”

“N-No.”

“Don’t lie!”

“Yes! I’m sad!” He dropped his hand and she put her own hand over the mark, her skin felt like it was on fire and her eyes stung with more tears. 

“Do you not want this?”

“I don’t know.”

He didn’t admit it, but he was impressed with the simple answer. I don’t know...that was the truth. She doesn’t know how to feel about this, about the chances of their baby. He said nothing as he sat in a chair, looking at her bare legs. 

“You’re cold?”

“I’m always cold.” 

There was a weird uncomfortable comfort between them. She knew what he was capable of, and that made her more inclined to trust him, to tell him the truth. It was her survival tactic. She’s good at being a prisoner. 

“Sir! There’s an issue…”

“What?”

“Shield has come for her.” 

Iosif threw her into her room, not saying anything, or even looking at her. The sound of the door closing made her never want to see a closed door again. 

Had Steve and Bucky actually come for her? Please, oh God, please. 

Her mind was racing so fast she couldn’t reach out to grab a single one of her thoughts, even if she tried. But she knew one thing. They would never find her locked up in this room. So she has to get out of here. 

Letting out a breath, she prepared for how much this might hurt. Underestimating herself is something Y/N has always been good at...which is funny. She is aware that she has the same strength and Steve and Bucky, but she didn’t want to show it...often times she would forget about her true power. About the fact that she is an incredibly powerful and skilled fighter. 

“Here we go…” Her hand, for some reason, rested on her stomach, before she ran full speed at the door. Busting it open. “Whoa,” She whispered to herself, looking at the door that was swinging back to close again. She let out another breath, feeling a wave of adrenaline come over her. 

As the rest of the team dealt with the goons, Steve and Bucky frantically searched everywhere they could to find her. If they would find her. As Steve, Bucky, and their team continued on, they were met with a man who looked wicked. 

“If you’ve come for the girl, she’s not here.”

Bucky trained his gun on the man, ready to shoot. “Something about that statement tells me she’s here.” Steve inquired, not putting up with bullshit today. “Just tell her where she is, and no one will get hurt,”

The man rolled his eyes and licked his lips wildly, like a hungry trapped animal. “Oh, how I wish that were true.” The fight between Iosif, his goons, Steve, Bucky, and their team ended in Iosif’s goons on the ground and Iosif in handcuffs. 

Natasha instructed the team to search the bunker for her. While Steve and Bucky pulled Iosif into a private space. 

Y/N’s bare feet hit the cold, concrete floor hard. All senses were on high alert. Causing her to follow any sound that could possibly be Bucky or Steve, while also trying to avoid Iosif’s men. She knew that Natasha was nearby, she just knew...she just needs to find her. 

The man before them is arrogant, believing something that can’t possibly be true. “Where is she!” Bucky’s voice scared even him, but the man before them did not know his fear. “Where are you hiding her?” His voice wavered a bit. 

“I’m hiding her six feet in the ground, trader.” Steve felt a tingle of anger rush through him, but it disbanded when Bucky just sighed and took a step back. “You think we would keep her alive, after what you two did to her. You violated her, changed her, turned her into something we couldn’t use any longer, and because of that, she lost her life. You killed her.” It wasn’t that he was convincing them, because he wasn’t, or at least that what Steve and Bucky are telling themselves...nor did Iosif seem afraid of the two men in front of him...he was saying this for a reason neither Bucky or Steve could put their fingers on. 

Steve felt tears of fear well up in his eyes anyway. 

Bucky just felt anger, turning to the wall, punching it, hard. The metal of his hand hitting the gray concrete made a sound that vibrated the air. So much anger rushed through Bucky that he physically couldn’t take it, his jaw shook violently, and all thought left him. 

Steve felt panic and an overwhelming sense of unknowingness. If...if she is gone, what do they have now? Why are they here? Why are they fighting? 

Both men were too taken away from the man before them to notice that he was trying to tug out of his bounds. Iosif knew that he needed to target them in a special way, and the emotional way...he had originally planned to use Winter’s help but was unable to find the red book. He doesn’t need that though, he can do this on his own. Without the help of Vikram or that psychotic doctor. 

Something tugged Steve and Bucky back to reality though, a sound, a very specific sound. Of metal hitting a skull. They looked up to see her. Iosif was leaned over in the chair, blood dripping down the side of his face already. 

Y/N hadn’t planned on doing that...she just heard his voice from the other side of the door and...now she’s here. At first, she’s afraid to admit it, but she didn’t notice the other two men in the room, not until she knew that Iosif was at least out of it...it not dead. 

Steve blinked, tears falling down his cheeks, he wasn’t sure what emotion he was feeling though, while Bucky became very cautious. They don’t know who this girl is before them. 

Her hand let go of the pipe, the sound of it hitting the ground is what pulled her back into reality, looking up at the other two men in the room. Everything felt foggy, and she wasn’t sure what the two were going to do to her as a result of this, but when she noticed the shield with a star on it...she felt awake for the first time in her entire life. 

The feeling of her body crashing into his took the air out of Steve’s lungs. Buck let his shoulders relax, watching her hug Steve with such relief told them that she was...herself. 

All three of them wanted to say something, anything, but rather they spoke with their bodies. She waved her hand for Bucky to join the hug and he didn’t hesitate. They stayed that way for a long time, they weren’t sure how long. 

“Y/N?” Natasha shouted, pulling her out of their hug forcefully and hugging the other girl herself. “Thank fucking God!” 

Y/N laughed, it was uncontrollable, her laugh. She felt pure joy and had no other way of expressing it. “Natasha…” Her hand landed on the other girl’s cheek, “Is this real?”

Natasha laughed, her nose scrunching up adorably, “Of course it is, silly. We came to get you.” 

Y/N blinked before she looked at Steve and Bucky, who were watching the two girls with smiles, “I um…” She blinked, “What do we do now?”

“We go home.”

“J-Just like that?”

“Just like that.”

Natasha sighed, “You three can go on ahead, Fury wants intel.”

Y/N felt a spark of joy, “We can do that.”

“Doll,” Bucky just took in her appearance, noticing her lack of clothing, the bruises, how she was already skin and bones. “Look at yourself, we need to get you to a medic.”

“I want to help.”

“You can help another time,” Steve said softly, not wanting to upset her. 

“Can I at least show you where to get intel?” 

Bucky and Steve exchanged glances at each other, both happy and surprised with her bubbliness. “Fine,” Steve said, despite Bucky’s eyes begging him not to. “Quick.” 

Y/N smiled, reaching up to kiss both of their cheeks.


	32. Chapter 32

Natasha and Y/N stood alone in the room with Iosif’s either dead or unconscious body. Natasha stared at him with Y/N changed into warmer, more comfortable clothing. 

“Never actually thought they’d let that freak run this place.” Natasha spoke, talking about Iosif, “At least your father had his head on straight.” 

Y/N wanted to interject that point...but couldn’t even compel herself to speak. Zipping up the black jean jacket and noticing how lose it was on her. She had lost weight...she bought this jacket at the mall with Bucky and Steve. 

“Are you ready?” Natasha asked hesitantly, not liking how silent Y/N had fallen. 

Y/N nodded and they exited back into the hall, leaving Iosif there. Still unsure of his actual state. When all eyes fell on her, she felt awkward for a second. “Um...what will happen with…” She didn’t move for a beat, before gesturing to the room. 

Steve flexed his jaw, “If he is conscious, he will be arrested.” 

She didn’t want to ask what they would do if he was dead. “Follow me.” She mutter, knowing that she had agreed to bring them to somewhere with intel. They followed closely as she walked down a labyrinth of hallways before she brought them to a room that gave Bucky chills. 

Insects, mostly butterflies tacked in glass cases. A record player with multiple records stacked neatly around it. Countless medical supplies of various decades and ages. She approached an old computer that was booted up. 

“There’s a lot of files on this computer...and there’s a lot of information in those cabinets over there,” She pointed at them, watching at Natasha started to snoop around the computer. While Steve and Bucky started pointing men in other directions. 

The quick feeling of an arm coming around her caused her to gasp, everyone in the room reacted as she was pinned against someone’s chest with the cold metal of a gun to her head. “Darling girl.” He sighed, disappointed. 

Every gun in the room was pointed at him, but he was shielding himself with her. Steve and Bucky’s blood ran cold with fear and anger, while Natasha was able to force herself to stay completely calm. 

“Let her go and we won’t tear you limb from limb,” Natasha spoke softly like she was talking to a child. “And I promise, those two want to tear you limb from limb right about now.” 

“You don’t know that Natalie...for all you know, Winter will protect me.”

“Kudr!” Y/N snarled, “Don’t drag them into this, it’s me and you.” Her hand wrapped around his hand that was holding the gun, “What do you want?”

“You, you stupid girl.” 

“I know, I know!” She closed her eyes in frustration, “What do you want from me?” 

“Loyalty.” With that, she saw his plan flash before her own eyes, ducking down as her arm holding his hand extending out, the sound of a gun caused her bone to rattle. But it wasn’t him who had fired the gun, he wasn’t given the chance. Rather, he fell onto the ground, holding his leg and groaning in pain. 

Bucky was the one who fired, to just about everyone’s surprise. 

“Fucker!” Kudr stared at Bucky. 

“Arrest him.”

Y/N hesitated, but leaned down over Kudr, “Tell me.”

“Tell you what?” He whispered back. 

“Am I…”

Kudr laughed loudly, “We both know what we know.” 

A flash of cold and dizziness overcame her, right as arms came to hug her. The feeling of Steve’s arms around her officially broke her down. Right at that moment, she came to terms with what happened to her. All of it came flooding back, crashing around her.

He didn’t have to say yes, he didn’t have to say the words, ‘you’re pregnant’ for her to just...know. All the signs are there. 

Bucky and Steve watched her start to just sob, and they knew that she was realizing the gravity of everything going on around. That she should have just left in the first place. They don’t know what she knows, and she wishes she could keep it that way. 

“Are you ready to go home?” 

She wanted to say no, she wanted...she doesn’t know. Reluctantly she just nodded and let Steve lift her up as she hid her eyes away from the world. Fear was crimpling her to the point she didn’t even want to move or think...or live. 

Steve sat her down in the quinjet, he got down to her level, face to face with her. “Are you…”

“I want to go to sleep.”

“Then come here.”

“No,” She put her hand out, placing it on her chest for a brief second, before pulling it back. Fear came tumbling over her again, “Wait, I’m sorry…”

Steve started at her confused for a moment, “Y/N...it’s okay if you want to be alone, I just...I’m sorry I shouldn’t have assumed.”

“I-” Should have said yes, is what she wanted to say, “I want to be alone.” She choked out, “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be...you don’t need to apologize for doing nothing wrong. Just rest, baby girl. I’m gonna be right on the other side of that door...you’re safe now.” 

That wasn’t the problem. She wanted to tell him, so badly...but then he’ll ask how. And she can’t have that.


	33. Chapter 33

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Vote on the Name: https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSc15g4EzwxqwmGc6300QfuRLfojb4RnrM8FOaUmL7GhyHzl2Q/viewform?usp=sf_link

Beep...Beep...Beep...Beep...Beep...

Beep...Beep...Beep...Beep...

Make it quiet.

Beep...Beep...Beep…

Jesus Christ shut it up!

Beep...Beep…

Shut! It! Up!

Beep…

Y/N tried to open her eyes but failed to as her own eyelids felt as heavy as lead, she thought she groaned, trying to get the assistance of any kind, but clearly, she made no sound. Her throat felt like it was on fire.

Something on her pointer finger, left hand, was too tight...heart monitor. Her hand aches, IV. She finds herself in a hospital bed, again.

She forced her eyes to open, blinking about ten times before being able to keep them open, her head began to pound to the rhythm of her heart.

Fuck. This. Bullshit.

She willed her other hand to move, and she unclipped the heart monitor from her finger, this caused the machine to beep wildly, she quickly reached over and pressed the button to make it stop.

With a grunt, she sat up on the bed, leaning forward and trying to catch her breath. She breathed hard enough for it to make a sound in her throat, her chest heaved up and down, her arms shook just from sitting herself up. 

“You must have been tired,” She flinched, looking at the door. Cho stood with a smile, “Take a guess as to how long you’ve been asleep for?” 

“Um...a long time?”

“Twenty-two hours.” 

“Jesus…” She looked beside her to find a cup of water, reaching for it with her aching bones and dowing the whole thing, “Where are Steve and Bucky?” 

“It’s the middle of the night, honey. They’re hopefully asleep.” Cho sighed, “Can I ask you a private question about you and them?”

Hesitantly, Y/N nodded. 

“Have you had intercourse with either of them?” 

Again, Y/N nodded hesitantly. 

“Honey, you’re five weeks pregnant.” 

But it was only two weeks ago when...Iosif did what he did. Then how...oh. 

“Oh,” She whispered. She got pregnant after she and the boys...it’s one of theirs. “Oh my god.” Her hand landed on her mouth. 

Cho nodded with a smile, “Are you...happy?”

“I-I don’t know.” 

Cho nodded and chuckled, “How about I go get you something to eat?”

“I would like that.” Y/N watched Cho leave the room as she felt relief...Steve and Bucky don’t have to know about Iosif. That was a good feeling, this would all work out. She would just...have a baby. She suddenly saw the problem again. 

A baby? A fucking baby! Whose baby is it though? Steves or Bucky? Does that matter? Of course, of fucking course, the first time in her life she chooses to have sex, she gets fucking pregnant! 

Cho entered the room to find Y/N staring ahead of her, looking like she was deep in thought, “What’re you thinking about, honey?”

Y/N looked up, letting herself blink. “Nothing really...well a lot of things, so I can’t be specific.” She smiled, trying not to let her worry show. 

Cho nodded and placed the tray of food on the table, “It’s a lot to think about, in the morning...we can give the news to Steve and Bucky. They’ll be so happy.”

Y/N nodded, “They will be, won’t they?”

“Of course...don’t doubt that.” 

“Health-wise...is that’s all that’s going on?” 

“You’re malnourished and dehydrated. Otherwise, you’re surprisingly healthy.” 

Y/N nodded as she started to pick at the fruit in a little bowl, “I um...Cho?”

“Yes?”

“I’m gonna be okay, right?”

Cho narrowed her eyes at Y/N, wondering what she meant, “I would tell you if there was anything serious going on.” 

Y/N didn’t want anyone to know about Iosif...because it doesn’t matter. She won’t let it matter. “I know, I know...I just…”

“It’s okay, honey. You’re okay, and you went through something that is...terrifying. You’re doing surprisingly well, and we’re all proud of you.” 

Y/N smiled weakly.

Bucky and Steve crashed into the room, finding Y/N standing up and Cho standing with her. Y/N ready to step onto a scale. “Baby…” Steve breathed, smiling. 

“You’re awake!” Bucky approaching quickly and hugged her. She giggled and watched as Steve waited for his turn to hug her. 

Cho eyed her, watching as she stayed quiet and stood there awkwardly. 

“Are-are you okay?” Steve asked. 

“Oh, only a little malnourished and dehydrated…” Shew as avoiding their eyes. 

Cho sighed, “Sit down honey, I’ll give you three a minute.” Y/N sat on the bed, feeling their eyes burn her skin. Looking at the floor, she thought about how she would say it. ‘I’m pregnant’ seemed too simple, but straight to the point.

How does she tell them without them asking too many questions? She knew that if they started asking the right and wrong mixture of question...it would slip out. 

“Doll?”

She said nothing, leaning back and taking in a deep breath, “I’m five weeks pregnant.” Her hand clapped over her mouth as quickly as she had said it. 

Tears started to spill out her eyes as she watched their emotionless faces...they were shocked. Not angry, or sad, or afraid. They were just as surprised as she was to find out the three of them were having a baby. Of course, they don’t know about Iosif, but it’s the same feeling. Right?

“With...with one of ours…” Steve hesitantly gestured between himself and Bucky. 

Y/N stayed still, ‘what kind of question is that? Whose else?’ She wanted to ask that, yell it in fact. Feeling like she was being questioned about something completely different. “Y-Yeah?” 

Bucky stared at the floor, his face said nothing of his emotions, but his mental hand clenched into a fist told her everything she needed to know...he was pissed. 

Y/N wanted to spill everything right then and there, tell them the truth, tell them about her fears. Tell them about the thing she couldn’t stop thinking about...no matter how hard she tried to think about something else, anything else. 

“I can’t believe it.” Steve finally whispered. 

Y/N let a nervous chuckle escape her, “Tell me about it.” 

“And you want this?” Bucky finally asked, his eyes staring into hers with an emotion she couldn’t quite place. 

“Of course.” Steve smiled, “This is...we’re getting a family.”

Bucky blinked at Steve, “Under different circumstances, I would be happy but...the last thing she needs right now is...a baby.” 

“Are you suggesting…”

“No...well...no!”

Y/N let out an uncomfortable laugh as she started to cry again. The sobs caused the boys to turn their attention to her, “Y/N…” Bucky seemed apologetic. 

“It’s up to you, what happens.”

She knew what they were talking about. She’s not stupid. The question is...what does she want? “I’m scared.” 

How selfish of them. They had made this about them, not on purpose, of course. This is her baby, above all else. She decides what happens, even if it’s something they might not want. 

“I don’t know.” She finally said, “I am scared and angry. I won’t say I don’t want this, because that’s not it. Because in a way...I do.” She let out another nervous chuckle, smiling anxiously and feeling the fabric of her blanket in her fingers. “But I don’t trust myself.” 

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t trust that I’ll be a good mother...I can’t-” She broke into sobs again, “I refuse to put a child through anything close to what I went through. I refuse it.” 

Oh.

That’s all the boys could think. 

“You’ll be a great mother.” A voice they didn’t expect came from the door. Natasha fucking Romanoff. “That fear alone, that’s what would make you a good mom.”

“How long have you been standing there?” Y/N demanded, starting to stand up, despite the fact that Steve jumped to keep her sitting down. 

“Long enough you’re pregnant, and that your life is basically a soap opera.” 

“Nat…”

Natasha smiled as she approached Y/N, “You want this?”

“Surprisingly.” 

“Then that’s all you need.” 

Steve tried not to laugh, but failed, “If only it were that easy.”

“It is that easy if you make it that way.” 

Y/N sighed, “I feel better now...kinda.”

Ten week check in. Y/N stared at Steve as she sat on the examination table. The boys sat in the provided chairs as they waited for Cho and the pregnancy doctor she would be introducing to them today. 

Cho and a woman with dark skin and hair entered the room, “Hello Y/N, my name is Dr. Green.” 

Y/N smiled shyly, “Hi.”

Cho gestured to Green, “Green here is aware of our special situation, and was hand-selected by myself and my team.” 

Y/N nodded as Green began to speak, “This is an ultrasound, we are basically going to look into whats going on in there.” 

“So we’re gonna see the baby?”

Green chuckled as she lifted up Y/N shirt and lied her down, exposing her practically flat stomach. “Not much of a ‘baby’ at this point, meaning it’s not going to look like one, this stage is still the red zone, and we’re just gonna look to see how well it’s going in there for the little one.” 

“Oh, okay.”

Green chuckled and nodded, “Yup, due to your health and...trauma your body has recently gone through, I will warn you that your likelihood of a miscarriage is higher than normal. But if we keep on top of things and you are careful with your health and physicality, everything should go smoothly.” 

Y/N nodded as she watched Green do her thing to set up for the ultrasound. As this happened, Steve and Bucky stared at Y/N with protectiveness and love. While Y/N was watching the screen, that suddenly was showing black and white blobs.

“There we are, to you there probably isn’t much here.” Green smiled, “But you see here…” Green started to point at something before falling silent, “Um...hold on one second.” Green began to do her own thing, moving the thing on Y/N’s stomach around and watching the screen with an intense stare.

“Is everything okay?” The word miscarriage made Steve nervous in the first place and now this?

“Everything is fine, really. No problems at all, I just, I’m a little worried...that I’m not seeing this correctly.”

“Seeing what?”

“The embryo, I was looking for one...but I see two.”

The room fell completely silent with shock. Green’s eyes flickered from Bucky to Steve, to Y/N. Cho watched Y/N, as she turned to look at Steve and Bucky, who was looking back at each other. 

“Are you saying that I’m pregnant with two?” Y/N suddenly demanded as she looked back at Green. 

Green smiled and nodded, “I am, you’re having twins. From what I can see here. It’s fraternal twins, meaning that they have different DNA, rather than identical. I’m actually really shocked that I caught this so early on. Normally we don’t discover this until much later.” 

“I’m having fucking twins.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Vote on the Name: https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSc15g4EzwxqwmGc6300QfuRLfojb4RnrM8FOaUmL7GhyHzl2Q/viewform?usp=sf_link

**Author's Note:**

> thank you all for the support and love that you have all shown me! i appreciate it all more than any of you could ever know! you have all invested so much love, support, and enjoyment into this story that I cannot believe it, and I am so incredibly thankful!


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